PrintWhenever I feel overwhelmed, like I am right now, I shut down…I can’t find interest in the external world and my inner world, offers no comfort. I’m completely in my head right now and everything I say (or blog) doesn’t come from the heart and so this post, will probably be a bit rambling and disconnected.
I’m going through a painful breakup and even for me to think about it, leaves me in the dark. I’m not breaking up with a lover, but I’m breaking up with my sanctuary, my refuge, my house. It started last week when my father announced to me in a very punitive and caustic manner, that I had one year to find another place to live and sell my house.
He’s not an ogre at all and I feel incredibly grateful to him for helping me out financially when so many people have no resources and moving out of their house offers nothing but despair and fear. I know he loves me, worries about me and does the best he can even if he doesn’t know that what I need the most right now is understanding and compassion.
Even sharing my financial conditions with you is hard, because I feel so ashamed about my not being out there in the world, making money and being self-sufficient. I judge and condemn myself constantly for that. I have no compassion for myself and if I told you that the last ten years have been filled with horrible crisis’ and medication issues which have left me reeling, I feel like that would be an excuse. Money…what a loaded topic.
I’m stuck here in what to say. I could go into the reasons on why I have to move but it’s too complex and I’m still stuck in this phase of grieving which has left me kind of numb. I love my house, it has held me when no one else has, I take delight in my garden, I feel safe and loved like no other place has given me and my spirit and soul are nourished every moment while I live here.
I wont be “abandoned” I know as my father and step-mother have re-itereated and I even know that where I move to next will bring on a whole new chapter in my life that fills me with both excitement and nervous fear as well. I don’t do well with huge changes like some people do with recklessness and a true joy. At least I’m not there yet…I’ll share more about my future dreams with you later when I feel ready.
I don’t even have the fear of survival, thank the goddess (or rather Ganesh) as he’s been the one I’ve been praying to and asking for blessings this whole last year. He IS the remover of obstacles and new beginnings so obviously he’s heard me. Over on the blog “Bewitching Names“, Isadora just “happened” to write about Ganesh. You can read her post here. Coincidence? I don’t think so, more like synchronicity.
Tears of sadness have just washed through me these last few days and haven’t caused depression, but the sadness that colors me I know is necessary for my healing and moving on in my life. So many goodbyes I have to face as the process of getting ready to leave both my house and California (I’m moving to another state, which my dad is arguing with me about due to HIS fear which again is too complex to discuss and analyze right now.)
Many of you might be familiar with the five stages of grief which Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified. Kubler-Ross wrote this for those who are grieving for the death of someone they knew, but I think that grieving happens across the board no matter the circumstances. Here is her model of grieving:
Here is a modified version of Kubler-Ross’s grieving model that I actually can relate to more:
Here is the grief model called “The 7 Stages of Grief” from the website: “Recover from Grief”
1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.
2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.
3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.
You may rail against fate, questioning “Why me?” You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair.
4. “DEPRESSION”, REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be “talked out of it” by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on the loss, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.
5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life with a new perspective, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your “depression” begins to lift slightly.
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.
You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.
I know, believe me I know that losing someone to death is one of the most painful experiences there can be, but I feel that applying the stages of grief for myself actually helps me out because it validates all my feelings and thoughts with saying goodbye to my house and moving on…eventually.
The process is not linear and the different stages happen to us in no logical and neat and tidy manner. I’m in the first stage mostly right now. I’m feeling pretty numb and my situation hasn’t fully hit me because if I felt my sorrow all at once, it would be too much for me. I feel vulnerable and raw enough as it is.
This blog is going to be one of my constants though even though I may not respond to all of your comments, and visit your blogs, please know that your support and blessings give me strength, comfort and a light in a storm.
That’s all for now and I’m going to keep you updated with this whole process when I’m able to. My natural propensity is for isolating and cutting myself off from everyone, but one of the wisest women I know taught me that the only way to end pain is walking through it and to stay as conscious and compassionate to myself as possible. I know that pain is part of my healing process and that it won’t stick around forever as I get ready for the move.
It’s so hard though knowing that each day here is limited…I won’t get to decorate my house for Halloween/Samhain, retreat from the craziness of the winter holidays next year and celebrate all the small nuances and gifts that life has to offer.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, rationally I know that my journey will bring me to a new home that I love but to honor my house and my spirit is to just accept where I am and be in the moment. Even if it causes my heart to beat with heaviness and my mind to wander and disassociate.
That’s where I am now…breathing, acknowledging my sorrow and appreciating all the love my house has given to me, as I prepare myself to leave here and face the unknown.
As always my music “angels” comfort me by whispering a song in my head when I most need it…This song (“Time to say Goodbye” sung by Sara Brightman and Andrea Bocelli, is one of the most beautiful and touching songs I know of that resides in my heart right now…(Because the song is sung partly in Italian, here is where you can see the translation if you’re interested.)
© 2011, Wendy S.. All rights reserved.
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Hi,
I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through such a sad time. Please know that I am thinking of you and I hope you will have a wonderful home to look forward to.
Hang in there !!
Thank you Moncha, I know very deep in my heart that my next residence will actually be one that I love and cherish. It won’t be better or worse (hopefully) than the one I live in now, but different.
Girl, regardless if its a relationship or death.. you will grieve.. I broke up w/my bf last year … tho some stages of grief did not apply to this relationship…. definitely anger, sadness to the ending, moving on was hard.. in a stage of anger it took me awhile to get rid of his shi*… it felt cathartic… i still hold onto his mother’s things… she is an innocent to this… she has been dead since 1987….. a week ago, i bagged up his clothes… its a process and some may laugh because i was the one who put up w/his shi*… i believed his promises of him going to AA… in the end the distance is what did it for HIM, not me… I fully got it that he had to stay in HI. to work… guess I was the bigger person in understanding??? btw, he wanted me to take pity on him during 2009 and forward money to him since he could not get work in his business and refused to try to find anything… he has known that i only help those who help themselves… and i guess he assumed i would forgo that idea because of him… sorry, but no way…
anyhow, don’t feel u have to tell us your finances… I have learned not to disclose finances on the net… There are weirdoes out there who peruse blogs and since u r at a vulnerable pt. in your life, you may just believe whoever may say something too kind.. Beware of the too nice people who may offer something…
Stay strong W., its hard to end a relationship… believe me… but you will be better off in the end.
This will go in stages….
Chris you are an amazing survivor and inspire me with all your strength. Your ex. sounds like my ex. hubby who I went through hell with and he also had an addiction problem. How you handled the situation is a true example of grace. And you’re right about talking about finances over the blogosphere which is why I don’t show photos of myself or reveal my last name although I’m sure there are jerks who will search out if they really want to. I have to laugh in a way because I don’t have anything financially that people can scam for me ; ) And slowly but surely I move through the stages and regain my “strength” as we have to do over and over again in any relationship.
Hugs to you — embrace the grieving process! When you’ve come out the other side, hopefully you will be excited about new possibilities in your life — a new home in a new city and state!
Thank you Debra for always showing up at my party and giving me encouragement and hugs. If it weren’t for true friends and our kitties, life just wouldn’t be worth living, would it. And yes, the possibilities of my new life await me and I know that despite the struggles I’m going through, there are good things that wait for me.
Wendy- You have a beautiful house- from what I have seen from the pictures on your blog. I can’t imagine how heartbroken you must be to now have to leave it all behind. This may sound weird but I do envy you for having had an actual home- My family moved around so much when I was growing up- we were even homeless once- so I have never had a little peice of earth that I can call home. Like Debra said…embrace the grieving process and when you are ready start dreaming about your new little place on earth. x
It’s not weird at all what you said, Stephi. This is the first home that really feels like a “home” to me and I know that’s part of the reason I feel so sad about leaving but it’s also taught me that if we’re determined enough and with the grace of God or whomever we believe in, that we all find a place to feel safe and loved in. I know that someday you will find the perfect home for you. A day at a time right? And as someone commented here as long as I have my kitties with me, than I’ll always be home.
My first reaction is to want to protect you. How dare your dad tell you to get out of your house? It’s your house, how can he do that? But then when I calm down I realize I don’t know the whole story and I am just sad that you have to be uprooted (whatever the reason) just when you need your home the most. I don’t know that I have any words of wisdom or comfort. I just hope the future holds brighter things for you. I’m reading a novel right now called “Joy for Beginners.” Your story kind of reminds me of it and you might enjoy it. Love and wishes for many blessings for you.
“Joy for Beginners”, I love that title and now will have to check it out, thank you : ) You’re such a strong momma lion and you’ll hear more of my story and the whole process. Your support, protectiveness and humour are what I need from you most and even though we don’t live in close proximity I feel you beaming your love right to me, thank you my friend : )
I can totally appreciate how you are feeling right now. The one thing about this post that struck me is how hard you are on yourself. If I could give you (or anyone) one piece of advice it would be this: Be your own best friend. If your best friend was in this situation, how would you speak to her? Would you make her feel ashamed about her financial situation? Would you beat her up verbally? Or, would you have words of love and support? Would you do all you could to make her feel better about herself and her situation? If the answer is the latter, then do that for yourself. You have to live with you 24/7, Wendy.. you are the only person who knows you this well. If the rest of us who have never met you can see how great you are (and we do!) then see you that way too! Big hugs and lots of love. We’re here and we’ll be here through this new adventure too.
Kallan, I’ve learned how to beat myself up the way I do from my family but you’re absolutely right to fight for myself, be my own champion and not get bogged down in shame or lack of compassion for myself. You really made me think about how to nurture and care for myself and defy all the fear that runs so rampant with my upbringing. You have a truly kind and beautiful heart, Kallan, thank you!
I can totally relate to your grieve. Home is very very sacred to me – places, shelters, sanctuary has always been this way from the time I was little. I have moved several times, more than some, not more than other people, but each time it was hard to become adjusted to my new surroundings. This time, however it was not. So maybe this is the right place, and maybe this move is going to be right for you. As you said you have been struggling for the last few years with your health issues. Maybe it’s time to start again in a new place – and have a new place to start again. Clean slate, blank canvas – sometimes these are very good things!
I know Aine you and your Bard really risked a lot moving to a new home and place that called to you and how exhausting the journey was and continues to be. Yep, I feel moving on will nourish me ultimately, it’s the whole moving process and stress that has me kind of bugged. So, I HOPE you’ll blog about some good rituals, blessings and sage pieces of advice on your blog on how to move on and move out of one’s home on your blog, Aine!
Wendy, I am so sorry to hear this! Especially thinking you’ve been working all this time, as you posted a handful of months back about a woman at your job you were having issues with.
I am sure you’ll find a nice new place, and you’ll still be able to do your holidays…afterall you have a year! Try to look on the bright side!
keeping you in thought and prayer as always,
Susan
Thank you Susan for your words of encouragement. I love your attitude about looking forward to the future regardless of how long I stay in my house. I’m not going to be participating in the “Practical Magic” blog party this year because I just have too much stuff on my plate but Miss Scarlett said “tomorrow is another day….” ; )
Wendy, Letting go of something (or someone) that is very near and dear can be ever so hard. I don’t think any of us really like change. It’s just that some people are able to handle change better than others. And while this chapter of your Life may be coming to an end, a new and even better chapter is about to unfold!!
It’s okay to mourn and grieve – these are necessary parts of the ‘letting go’ process. Your home has been a good friend to you for many years and it can be ever so hard to get go. But your journey, and your growth, is now taking you beyond what your home can offer. Embrace the endless possibilities that this fresh start has to offer you. And remember we are here for you! {{Huge Hugs!}} :0) ♥
I know YOU know Jeanne that one of the best teachers for us woe-begotten pitiful humans ; ) are animals in teaching us about change. They’re not trapped in fear even though of course they feel it for their survival. And like a cat, even though it’s not literally true I will land on my feet and let go of one of the 9 lives attached to my home. Thank you Jeanne and all your furbabies esp, Mr. Gomez for your love and support. We are all teachers to one another and your moving out of your home has been a really eye-opening journey for me as well. May your new home love and bless all of you always, even in the transitions of life.
Oh Wendy I really feel for you I hope that you get through this and I send to you my thoughts and wishes xx
I totally understand what you’re feeling. Bricks and mortar have their own spirits and provide sanctuary – to leave somewhere you love is a big deal. Of course you must grieve as it’s a part of your life but you will get through this time and there will be blessings for you on your new adventure. We’re all here for you Wendy to support you, in whatever way we can. Sending you hugs x
I love how you said “bricks and mortar have their own spirits and sanctuary” Lyn! So many people just don’t have that connection to the land, where we live or how we life our life and our connection to a real home. I’m just re-reading John O’Donohue’s beautiful book, “Anam Cara…” and he talks about how we all need to feel like we belong somewhere esp. in our homes. I’ve been very, very blessed to live in a true home that I felt like a part of. And thank you as always for being so loving and generous with your heart.
ohhh myyy….I feel awful for you. This just tore me apart. Keeping you in my prayers ((((hugs)))))
Thank you Caren for your prayers and thoughts, somehow I feel things will turn out alright. Well, better than alright and my “girls” are definitely helping : )
One friend of my mom, when he was 12 years old came home from school ( In Paris ) , open the door, and what he saw ? his parents was been shot in the head and dead. Blood over the floor. He had to run away because they want to kill him too, he moved one place to another places even move to another country, just for survive till he was 24, some one help him to migrate to Australia. Now he is 50, Have a lovely wife and 2 kids. Works hard to earn, Be Good to every one, Help anyone who need help even himself still have to take a medication because the hunting in the past.
Sorry we can’t feel what was happened with you. It is the end. We believe you can get up and fight for your own life .
Oh Mr. Puddy, that is SO sad what happened to your mommy’s friend…What a brave person he is and it made our mommy smile and remember how blessed she is to have us and we’ll always try to be there for her. And we IS fighters and aren’t giving up!
Change, loss and the unknown are all sources of pain. You are very hard on yourself it is true, but you are such a source of information and know that you are grieving. That’s huge. You know it in your head and soon your heart will join the process and you will….in the end be fine and see the good that will come of this moving on….but right now, take time to be in the moment and be good to my friend Wendy, she’s a super spirit with a warm loving heart and needs to catch a break.
You’re in my heart and prayers….Oma Linda
Thank you Oma for your wisdom and compassion. It’s been a huge source of strength for me to “know” people like you who always share your spirit and heart. I just figure I may be in your neck of the woods, sooner rather than later…I’ll be knocking on your door one day ; )
Wendy, you have been on my mind as of late… fluttering in and out. I have wondered how you are and how you have been. Finally I get to checking updates on blogs and I see your situation. I know your heart is deep and your love for things special to you is even deeper. You have traveled so many paths and with each I have seen how you have grown from them and shared your experiences with us. I am confident that your release of yourself to us in the manner you so graciously give has been lifting and soothing to others. I know that at this time the situation is hard one… but as always you will endure and come out on the other side. We have been considering moving as well and I know the pain that leaving a special place feels like. Yet I tell myself that what lies ahead may be just as wonderful and and hold even more adventures and blessings for me. The same is for you… My thoughts and prayers are with you as you venture out on this new adventure… You will rise to this occasion also Wendy… and I am sure I am not the only one who looks forward to your transformation… blessings
Hi Mother Moon, you and I are a few of the people who are on one strange trip this year it seems. I know you’ve blogged about all the changes that you’re going through and feel like we’re connected as we keep moving on, even when it seems the waves of life knock us temporarily down. It’s a gift to know that you believe in me and are there for me, really it is…thank you : )
Oh dear Wendy! I am most sorry to hear of this. Please know that you are in my thoughts. You are strong and you will overcome this obstacle, as you have all others. As you have supported me, know that I support you. You will find a new place that speaks to you and that you can call home. It will be magical and full of promise and enchantment. A place where you and Miss Bella and Sele can be happy and create new and wonderful memories. I shall keep you in my thoughts, dear friend. xoxo
Thank you my lovely faery friend : ) I thought of you immediately when I got the news from my father and how courageously you danced through the whole issue with the possibility of having to move. Courage as they say really isn’t about the lack of fear, but it’s the presence of fear and moving forward and having the faith that all will be alright.
Blessings on you, Wendy. As long as the kitties are with you, you will always be home. Keep writing! It always helps me, at least.
Thank you Wizardess and you’re absolutely right kitties and writing are the things that will soothe my soul and give me strength!
Wendy! My heart aches for you. I would love to talk with you. Please email me. Hugs! Pamela
I’ll email you soon Pamela as soon as I catch up with life a little ; ) Again, wish we lived closer to sit and drink tea and be together for the moments of joy and sorrow. Blessings and hugs back to you : )