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“Envy consists in seeing things never for themselves, but only in their relations. If you desire glory, you may envy Napoleon, but Napoleon envied Caesar, Caesar envied Alexander, I daresay, envied Hercules, who never existed. ~ Bertrand Russell~
I’d like to introduce all of you to one of my oldest and intimate friends. Many of you probably already know her and might have her following you around like a shadow. I’ve known her all my life and sometimes she is quiet, but lately she has demanded so much attention from me, it’s exhausting. I guess she urges me to take a better look at myself, but it’s always painful when I do. Her name is “Envy” and I’d like to tell you more about our relationship.
My mother was one of the most intelligent, creative,
My mother was an incredible writer and had many of her poems published in all these noted literary magazines. I loved creative writing and started writing my own stories and poems when I was about eight years old. At first she would compliment me and say how much she loved my writing. But I will never forget the day when I wrote a story about an
I can’t tell you how crushed my heart and spirit became. I pleaded with her that I was the one who wrote it first and that I would never copy a story from someone else. I was telling the truth. After that, I closed the door on my muse and only let her shyly reappear in my early thirties when my mother had died. I couldn’t risk hearing her voice inside of me accusing me of being a fake. So, envy really was introduced to me at a very early age.
It’s ironic that the first movie my mother took me to see in a theater was “Snow White”. I immediately loved Snow White because unconsciously at that age, I could understand her story. I was too young to piece things together at the time, but it has still remained my favorite fairy tale. After seeing it, I kept thinking to myself, “Well, if Snow White had a mother who loved her and then died, then my real mother must have existed and no one told me about her.” Occasionally, this
“Envy (also called invidiousness) is best defined as an emotion that “occurs when a person lacks another’s (perceived) superior quality, achievement, or possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it.” (Envy. (2010) Retrieved October 06, 2010, from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Envy)
I’ve blogged about my experience after the ”Practical Magic” blog party and how incomplete I felt. And since then, Envy has been my constant companion, always whispering in my ear, “I’m not a
From studying Buddhism I have been given some great gifts. One of these is “compassion” for oneself and for others. Instead of condemning that part of myself that I’m ashamed of, I can choose to give myself compassionate understanding and love. I’ve also learned about being mindful. Mindfullness for me, is about witnessing what emotions and thoughts arise and not pushing them away or becoming engulfed by them, but rather to just acknowledge them and let them go like a balloon flying up into the sky. I’m not saying that I can completely do that and when I visit other bloggers whom I envy, I’m completely at peace. But, I don’t think that is what gaining consciousness is all about. If I try to hate that part of myself that is obviously needy and wounded, then I’m reliving the pain my mother inflicted on me.
There are three blog parties coming up that I will be “attending” and you know that Envy will be loud and demanding as I blog hop and read others blog posts. Hey, if Sophia Loren was envious of Jayne Mansfield then Envy keeps good company. Personally, I think Sophia was much more of a Goddess than Jayne ever could have been, but Envy doesn’t discriminate who she chooses as her companion.
I’m dedicating one of my favorite poems to my ”friend” Envy and all of my other house guests.
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
– Jelaluddin Rumi,
translation by Coleman Barks
So, are any of you familiar with Envy? And in what way has he/she influenced you? What or whom do you feel envious of and do you acknowledge it?
© 2010, Wendy S.. All rights reserved.
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I have certainly had flashes of envy over the years and it is NEVER a pleasant experience. Envy can gnaw you right to the bone. So I just try to apply the Phuckem Philosophy of Life and re-focus on myself, not others. (The PPL gets me through a lot of crap!) I read a very profound quotation about envy once. Can’t remember who wrote it, but they said “Envy is when you count other people’s blessings instead of your own.” That’s very true, I think.
Debra She Who Seeks recently posted..Riverdale Labyrinth
I’ve never really thought about envy being part of my life these days but I guess it is. It never occured to me that my constant feeling of not being good enough could be envy in disguise.
It was more apparent when I was a teenager and I would see the girls who had it all – pretty, intelligent and everyone loved them. Nobody ever told me I was those things (apart from the clever bit but that just made me a geek!). I longed to be someone else most the time.
I really love your honesty, Wendy. Your blog and your posts are written from your own experiences and you don’t sugar coat them. That, in my opinion, is what people look for in a blog. You’re authentic and unique so whatever you write about is meaningful and special. You shine through!
Oh, and that photo of Sophia and Jayne? It’s just a boob thing
Lyn recently posted..Grab Your Broomsticks…We’re Off!
I must admit that every time I see that your blog has updated, I get excited! I love reading what you have to say, sometimes it rents my heart, and usually that is because I feel or have felt the extact same way. Be at ease, you will always have at least one follower, ME, because you have the courage to reflect in your blog what I feel in myself. I too have envy for a houseguest, she comes to me on a fairly regular basis, concerning my art, my blog my whole life if Im truthful! One of the faces of my envy comes in a very different way. I have an older sister, 4 years older whom I love so much and we are great friends, but envy of her sneaks into my heart all the time. I dont resent her for that I love her, so it is an interesting game I envy her for her talent her intelligence, her wonderful home and husband. I envy that she has all I wish to have, which I know logically isnt true, yet envy sneaks in anyhow! So I find myself with this odd opposition in my mind, envy is there but the dislike/hate/malice and other negative emotions that go along with envy are not present, instead envy is set against love and a wonderful sister relationship and deep friendship. So at times I allow myself to envy my beautiful, talented, accomplished sister, because with that envy comes great pride in and joy for my sister at having these things. Now dont get me wrong I dont feel this odd envy without negativity for everything, that is just how it manifests with my sister, and even that I try to keep to a minimum! Envy often hits me in a introverted way, by this I mean that instead of hating the person I envy I hate myself for not being good enough (this doesnt happen with my sis though) So when I see a blog an artist, a sucessful person I feel good for them, but I hate myself for not being good enough. To a certian extent I try to keep envy from being rampent in my home, but when necessary I do try to feel and accept that she is there and I try to see what she is teaching me even if it is simply humility and to love myself for who I am. I loved the poem you included it is so true so in return I wish to share with you a poem which has always resonated with me and allows me to welcome any house guest no matter thier effect. The Desiderata, http://marilee.us/desiderata.html
So I toast all our house guests may we handle them with grace and dignity and may you always know you are not alone!
Yea.. lyn is right the picture of sophia and jane.. its all about the boobs…
I think we all have moments where we think of having greener pastures like our neighbors. The issue with that is that although our neighbors look like their yard is wonderful we dont see all that may be going on in it. You are who you are and how you are for a purpose dear one. You are not like anyone else because that is not who you are suppose to be… You are Wendy in all her glory and whether you know it or not.. there are a few of us who think that is not too shabby….
Wendy,
I think everyone knows that chick!
I had my own experiences with my maternal grandfather. I learned a meditation that helped me heal from those childhood ‘traumas’.
Please pop by my blog, Journal of Evolution and I’ll outline it there for you.
Tammy recently posted..Im Still Here!!
WEEEELLLLL….this. blog. is. just…..fabulous!!!
Debra, love the quote and your Phuckem Philosphy, I’ll use that as a mantra when envy shows up!
Lyn, I would have been a teen-ager like you, wishing I was one of the popular ones. It’s weird though, I ran into one of “those” girls many years past high-school and she told me that she envied ME! Which I found hard to believe as I was into the punk scene, hung out with the “bad kids” and was ultra-dramatic, lol…And thank you as always for giving such a gift of your heart and making me feel cherished. : )
Faerie Sage, I get completely understand about having the mixed feelings of envy/pride/and then the painful torture of not loving oneself enough. I don’t have a physical sister, but I have many friends who have the qualities I desire to have. I really, really appreciate your honesty and bearing of the heart. And really, I don’t need a lot of followers, because it’s more important to me to have a faithful and genuine reader like yourself. So, thank you for always sharing so much of yourself and know that I value you and all the others who are suckers for punishment ; ) and read my blog..And it’s also funny that I have the Desiderata on a card someone gave me long ago and I completely forgot about it until you mentioned it. I read it every day now…
Mother Moon, you’re absolutely right about my projections on others and not necessarily seeing the whole picture and that reminds me of a Yiddish story that I’ll blog about one time about everyone having their own burdens to bear and if we knew what the others burden was, we wouldn’t trade ours, because our lessons and blessings are unique and therefore to be thankful for no matter what they are. And thank you for not considering me “shabby” ; )even when “shabby chic” is so popular these days (I have my own brand of “chic” I guess…And it means a lot coming from you to hear that as I so admire and respect you.
Tammy, your meditation was beautiful! I’m going to make a ritual for this meditation and I know that a gift will be given. Thank you so much for sharing that.
Melissa, welcome! And thank you for finding my blog “fabulous,” I have a big smile on my face now. : )
Wendy, I so wish that we lived closer! I know we would make so much trouble and joy in the kitchen! When we walked down the street people would whisper, something wicked this way comes! I am just happy I found such a wonderful true person out there on the blogosphere! Look forward to flying to the parties with you!
Faerie Sage recently posted..The Best month of the year just got Better! The Month of Blog Parties