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Someone once asked me how does having Bipolar Disorder effect my being a witch and pagan? So, I decided to share with you my ongoing struggles and wisdom that faces a pagan witch with a Bipolar Disorder on days like today.
I miss those days before I started to take medication for my Bipolar Disorder because the damn mania was just so much fun and I felt everything that much more intensely and on a level of bliss that just doesn’t happen for me anymore. Take for example, the Pagan “Wheel of the Year” and all the ritual, madness and mayhem that I threw my whole being into. I was never to do anything half-way and so when the sabbats would happen,
I would plan for weeks how I was going to celebrate, I would set up the most “perfect” altars with correspondences, images, etc…I would get together with a local group of pagans I knew who knew how to throw the best parties and rituals. I don’t celebrate to the extreme like I used too and it’s a mixed blessing now. Litha has always been one of my favorite sabbats along with Samhain.
Being on medication for my mood disorders have saved my life no doubt and I can’t even begin to imagine myself not being on it, but it’s also demanded a price of not being so spontaneous, passionate and carefree. The same chemical high that addicts experience and crave with their substance of choice is the same high that I indulged in hedonistically when I was manic. Dionysus would call to me on Sabbats and I willingly followed. I never lost myself and became a maenad, but I sought out the most perfect and ecstatic experience that bordered on being dangerous.
I once read somewhere that to be ecstatic meant “to be outside of oneself,” which is perfect for understanding Dionysus the quintessential god of wine, women and ecstatic revelry and would bring his followers into an unconscious dark trance.
I consciously made the decision to start taking medications for my Bipolar Disorder and Attention Deficit Disorder because the horrible, debilitating and scary crashes that inevitably followed my manic highs started to demand too costly a price for both myself and my son. Being on medications keeps me from being sucked into a vortex of a Dionysun ecstasy that I once had but without them, I would be crashing and burning eventually ending up in either an inescapable madness or perhaps even death.
I know many people argue about how Western Medicine is not to be trusted and that more people need to be on holistic/herbal/natural supplements, herbs and vitamins instead. Believe me, I went that route and learned as much as I could about the alternatives to medications and nothing worked. I hate being on meds, I hate knowing that I’ll have to take medications for my disorders for the rest of my life, I hate the side-effects, but most of all, I hate not having the highs I experienced before I started to take medications.
I used to get angry at people who I know came from a good place, but tried to convince me that I didn’t need to be on any psychotropic medications and if only I did this…or did that, I could “cure” myself.
Now, I just thank them for their advice and not try to argue or reason with them that people with a serious chemical imbalance can’t just “do” alternative/holistic med.’s as some can and remember to stay proud for taking good care of myself in the best way I know how to. Choosing to take the meds.’s I do and still remain a pagan witch is not an easy or balanced path. But, isn’t it interesting that one of the trials of having Bipolar Disorder is finding the balance.
Every day is a challenge for me in remembering why I’ve chosen to take med.’s and show up and do the hard work required to stay healthy and relatively sane ; )
Some days I crash into bed with such a high intensity of deep despair and physical pain and on other days I’m able to feel the magick sweep through me and I love life. I’m getting better at becoming an acrobat in my own life, but it’s never easy. Unfortunately, there’s no snapping of fingers, incantations, potions or magickal thinking that takes away the fact that I have Bipolar Disorder and will for the rest of my life.
It’s funny that most of the population who’ve tried to convince me that I can “heal” from having Bipolar Disorder or ADD if I just used this herb or this supplement have been witch’s and/or pagans. I’ve never figured out why it’s that way, any ideas you can think of?
I still set up altars, listen to pagan music of the seasons, read blogs from fellow witch’s and pagans and other misc. actions that I enjoy. But the depths of feeling aren’t as strong, or rather the desperation to feel the seasonal highs don’t beckon to me as strongly. Dionysus has turned his back on me and I miss him, but not enough to stop taking my medications.
I wouldn’t wish having a mood disorder on my worst enemy, esp. one like Bipolar Disorder. My spirituality has been tempered now with a different kind of fire, even though Loki (as I’ve posted before) still demands his just I’m not burned up in ecstatic manner that leaves me in a stupor. The fae are alive for me though and sparkle through my house and garden. I may not dance the night away and soak up the heavy bliss of the longest day of the year, but instead I put out a small offering to the fae in their sanctuary I’ve set up in my backyard and I ask for their blessings. And I still love setting up a special Fae altar that stays up long past Litha.
My Fae Altar
Aine from “The Deepest Well” has written a wonderful post today on practical and small rituals. I’m mulling over what she’s written and leaving it open to my psyche and body on how I want to celebrate Litha that will still feel magickal and joyful.
Any suggestions? And if you’re a witch/pagan who has a mood disorder/mental health issue, how has it effected YOUR spiritual life?
(Image Credits: “Mysterious Heaven” by Mariano7724
“Summer Solstice” by *Kancano
“The Maenad” by ~elvenelysium
“I’m More than Diagnosis” stamp by Lonelynightmares
“Dionysus by Kyngdok”
“Litha” graphic found on “Magickal Graphics”
© 2011, Wendy S.. All rights reserved.
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You know Megan has ADD and the more you talk about being bipolar, the more I wonder. She’s had diagnosed bouts of depression. The doctors say she isn’t bipolar, but none of them have ever seen one of her “spells” as I call them, but there are days when I can’t describe her as anything but manic. They are few, but they are the reason she hates her ADD meds and no longer takes them now that she’s 18. She says she is “fun” without them and “boring” on them. As for a spiritual life, she is about as unspiritual as a person could be…she has no patience, ability or desire to concentrate on anything like that and finds it incredibly boring.
Interesting that you point out that most of the people who try to convince you to go strictly herbal/supplemental are those of a pagan persuasion. I think that it is probably because western medicine and judeo/xtian religion are very tightly entwined. I have a diploma in holistic health practice and I do go first to diet, nutrition and herbal for treatment of my own ailments. However, I am not opposed to allopathic (western) medicine. Sometimes that is what it takes to get on the right health track.
I don’t really have any mood disorder with the possible exception to being a double Gemini, so I can’t comment with any first hand knowledge. I do know that I have heard many friends that are on meds for mental issues comment how being on meds makes them feel less but not being on meds makes them be in more peril too. Always a decision to be made for finding a right balance.
You know, it’s been clear to me for a long time that we are all required to be the best selves we possibly can. If it takes allopathy to get us there, then let’s consider ourselves lucky to live in a time when that science is advanced enough to actually help.
I am profoundly lucky to be helped by herbs, but that’s just it: plain blind luck.
You’ve made a wise decision to choose health. Solstice blessings to you always, Wendy!
I agree with Vivienne. Things were so much worse back in the day. My maternal Grandmother (dead long before my birth) was locked up in a Sanitarium for whatever they called it, but it was later figured out by relatives that it was simply perimenopause, and hormone imbalances. I do not like being on meds for anxiety and depression, but I’ll tell you what, I like it a lot better than NOT being on them. All of us have to walk in our own shoes, and live in our own skin. No one else knows what it is to be US,not even our doctors, or caregivers etc. They can equate, they can make educated guesses, they can listen to us, and draw conclusions, but when it comes down to it, unless they are in our skin, and walking in our shoes, they just don’t know…not anyone, our friends, our parents our lovers, our doctors, not any of them.
I do not have an alter yet, and I am not sure what should be on it for any of the sabbats other than the 4 elements,The God and Goddess candles and a pentacle. Tomorrow is my birthday as well (or today rather, LOL) as I was born after midnight, I think of myself as a “Longest night baby”.
I walked my streetline property tonight again pouring salt and burning a smudge talking and chanting to the Goddess and god, to keep away negativity from all that live within this boundary.
the people on one side of me (new only for about 5 years, before that it was woods) are very nice, the guy on the other side of me, his property actually used to be part of this property long before we bought the place, but he is not living there right now, he is living down town with his parents as they are elderly and his dad is sick with cancer. we back into the woods. so I think protecting the front border is enough for now, but that is also something that no one could give me a definitive yes that is good enough or no it isn’t, as they would just be making guesses. Nothing in this life is guaranteed or even set in stone.
I will say this much, Wendy.I am surprised you invite the fae into your life. they can be dangerous, and are untrustworthy. I say this out of concern for you as a friend. I think they possibly could be the ones making-”finding the balance” harder. If you are inviting them, I would perhaps think about inviting your spirit animal to keep watch over the fae in your stead. Of course I am very NEW to all of this, I am just going by what I have read, and what other pagans and wiccans have told me about the fae.
However just like medication or herbal advice, I do NOT live in your skin or walk in your shoes. So, YOU do what YOU feel is the best for YOU!
love n hugs,
Sue
If we are wise, we do what we have to, in order to be. I don’t think it matters where by drug or herb. Balance is a hard thing to achieve and maintain. I applaude you for your seeking and finding. I admire you because you know what you’ve put aside for the better of you…..that is wisdom and courage.
XOXO Oma Linda
Solstice Blessings to you! ♥
And I love your Fae altar!!! :0)
Hope you had a wonderful and blessed Solstice. It sounds like you are finding the balance that is right for you and finding your own path to it. Sometimes people get so wrapped up in trying to help that they risk imposing their paths on others rather than simply listening and helping a person to find their own path.
You’re doing what’s right for you, Wendy, and it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. If meds help you then that’s all that matters.
I think your fairy altar is beautiful. If it were mine I’d keep it up longer too.
x
Thank you for a beautiful and honest post, dear Wendy. Your fae altar is astounding lovely – and I am sure the spirits appreciate it greatly. You need to live what is best for you – and that means healthfully. Although you may not dive into your activities with the zeal you once had, you can still revel and rejoice in a clearer and more conscious (yet still joyous) way!
Wendy, you are so courageous and honest, that’s why your blog is one of my favorite’s. I can only relate this to when I used to overindulge in drinking. I loved the lack of inhibition and “good times”. However, it had an ugly flip side. Yes, I miss the wild abandon and good feelings that came from being in that altered state, but I am thankful that the accompanying hangover, injuries, and embarrassment are gone. I am happy you’ve chosen what’s right for you and your peace of mind. No one else can make the choice that’s right for you.
Your fae altar is so sweet and pretty! Happy Solstice!