PrintWhenever I’m feeling a lack of confidence, self-esteem or joy, I immediately slide into the painful feeling of envy another for another person. Not jealousy which is the fear of losing someone important to another person, but envy: the experience of wanting something another person has that you don’t feel you can have. And Envy has been chewing my ass intensely now for at least a month for another woman who volunteers at the same place I do.
She’s not particularly beautiful, wealthy, etc…but she’s uber-intelligent and everyone there loves her, esp. the shift supervisors who are always complimenting her and inviting her to their homes, ouch! She’s the type of person, who was always the teacher’s pet and excelled at everything she put her mind to. I want to be like that. I know I’m intelligent, but I don’t have the dynamism she has nor the energy to be constantly “up.” I feel pretty useless at the place I volunteer when it comes to coming up with new ideas and making friends with the people I want to.
I sound pretty much like a loser, don’t I? She’s nice to me and never has anything bad to say about anyone else so pretty much everyone loves her. I act as “if,” meaning genuinely being happy for her that she’s so popular and brings so much to the center, but that doesn’t work for me after a while. I just feel so completely worthless and horrible whenever I’m around her. I’m not sure how to shift out of my envy even though I’m really trying through therapy, Buddhist meditations and realizations about my own childhood where envy of my older brother happened because he was the golden child and I wasn’t.
I genuinely don’t know what to do and I don’t want to quit the place I volunteer at because I love working with the birds. She volunteers every day so there’s no way to avoid her. If any of you can relate, or make suggestions or help me out with this feeling of envy I would really appreciate it. Thanks for listening to my ranting.
© 2012, Wendy S.. All rights reserved.
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Wendy, first of all I think it is important for you to know that people tend to put on airs, you know, acting as if their life in perfect and such when the reality is the farthest thing from the truth. Sometimes we see people with rose-colored glasses so to speak. If it is one thing I jave definately learned at my age, is that just because people pout on a show or do not talk about their problems, DOES NOT mean that they do not have them!
F
For example, I was extremely envious of one of my deaerest friends. She seemed to have it, everything I didn’t! A great, good paying professional career, a family, a handsome loving husband and a huge house. Until one night at 2 o’clock in the morning, I received a call from her in tears as she explained to me how her “handsome and loving” husband up and left her and their kids after 25 years of marriage, and how he treated her so badly over the years (although she never told anyone)! I was furious at him and myself for being so niave. TRUST ME, YOU REALLY NEVER KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON BEHIND THE SCENES, MY FRIEND!
P.S . – Please excuse my typing errors ~ I really do know how to spell! LOL!
Hugs, Kim
I agree with Kim. People are always as they seem. Some seem over the top happy because they are overcompensating for something not-so-happy. But even if she is popular, happy, confident realize that if that is what you want to be, that you can be too. Many of my best friends were way more outgoing than I, but I found that just being around them helped me become more confident. Stick it out for a while – it’s always hard getting used to a new situation, especially when you’re not the most confident person in the world (I know something about this) but you should give some more time to this and see what happens.
ohboy. I mean people AREN’T always as they seem. sorry
Wendy – you are not alone in your feelings. Many people feel as you do, they just don’t like to admit it. I find that I am often envious of many of my “cat friends” who seem to land all sorts of writing deals that I can’t. I am working so hard in the limited time I have to get my name out there, yet sometimes I feel like crying because nothing seems to be happening. My book is barely selling and that is eating me up too. The worst part, these people really are my friends and I really do like them! It is just such a conflict of emotion…
Everyone else is right; you just can’t judge who you are or who you want to be based on other people. We ALL have our own baggage and trials and tribulations that we have to deal with. That is what life is. All you can do is use this volunteer as a positive in your life. You don’t want to be a clone of her, but you can appreciate her personality strengths and slowly try them out bit by bit on your own. I did not blossom with my own inner strength, confidence, and personality that I was comfortable with until my forties!! xoxox
I can so relate. I feel that way quite often. I don’t wish the other person didn’t have what I want or dislike them for it. I often do wish however that they would be more appreciative of what they have and realize that others (me for instance) would be so grateful to have what they have. I do also acknowledge that just because it seems like they have everything wonderful I know that they have their share of issues and things aren’t always as the seem. For instance the people I work for have a big lovely house and nice cars and 2 beautiful kids which all sounds lovely but, they have to work a lot of hours at jobs they really don’t like to get all that material stuff and give up time with their kids. The trade off isn’t worth it for me. Just try to adopt the qualities in her that you admire and over time you will see those qualities in yourself.
You are so honest here and that is wonderful. We have all been where you are at this moment….I love the green eye by the way, perfect.
As the others have said, people are not always what they seem. We all have “issues”, some have learned to wrap them in prettier packages than others.
I’ll give you something from another perspective if I might. I have friends who have told me that they have envied me for my laughter and joking all the time. I’ll let you in on a secret….it’s my way of coping. I learned early in life that if I didn’t act like something bothered me or made fun of it or myself, then I could survive it.
The object of your envy might very well need a real someone and being the people pleaser is her way of getting what she needs, just like my making someone laugh was my way of side stepping being in the limelight.
You are a good person who deserves to be blended into a good situation. Don’t give up something YOU enjoy because of someone else. Hang in there and be who you are. In the end you will feel the accomplishment of working with the birds and other people will be worth more than the running from a “past” issue.
Honest darling, you can do this. I know it is hard but I believe in you and your heart.
Oma Linda
Everyone wrestles with the green-eyed monster from time to time. I know I have. Counting the many blessings of your own life and practising gratitude for them can quell the beast, I find.
Take a chance, and when you have time, treat her out to tea or a beverage. She may reveal that you have a trait that she admires, or that she has
always wanted to approach you in friendship but wasn’t sure how to do it.
Please don’t leave a place that gives you joy because of one person. Trust me – I’ve felt as you have, too. But keep in mind your OWN gifts and be the person you are. People will respect you for that. And they will like you for it. I agree with the others who have already weighed in here. Revel in the joy and accomplishment that helping these birds who need YOU will bring to you personally. That is important…knowing that you are doing good for those who cannot speak.
Dear Clan Daughter,
It is easy to understand why you may temporarily forget your many gifts considering the struggles, both inner and outer, that you’ve been dealing with especially the past few years. And I think it is pretty typical to look at someone who seems to have it “all together,” wish it were you, and then feel all you have expressed. Your own gifts are perfect just as they are…but Depression and Bi-Polar disease are formidable and cunning opponents designed to blind you to your own beauty, power and rightful place in your own life. You are a diamond, my daughter, with so many wonderful facets that shine whether you are aware of them at the time or not. When you go to the Raptor faciity or anywhere, take your magic cloth with you (it’s a small piece of lovely cloth maybe near your alter…you’ll know it when you see it) then polish all those beautiful facets till they shine…that’s all you need, my clan daughter…you are the diamond.
Sending you love and hugs,
Clan Mother
I can so relate to what you’re saying here. I have had such strong, and awful eat your guts up, moments of envy. I would like to pin it on the fact I have mental health issues (bipolar and BPD) and probably those do have a lot to do with it. I have really struggled with it myself. I just try to remember that I too am loved and liked, that other people find me inspiring…and in my own way I’m good. Do the same dear one…you too have wonderful gifts and are an inspiration to others. You might not know it but you are! And like others have said…no one is perfect and we ALL have issues. Yes, therapy does help to uncover the hidden reasons for things, so keep at it. Don’t beat yourself up over the fact you feel envy. Being aware of it is half the battle won and actually it would be really disturbing if you didn’t feel envy, which after all is a normal human emotion.
Blessings
Deep~Glade
Dear friend,
I agree with everyone who has commented that this person undoubtedly has her own worries and insecurities that are just not visible to you now. And, even though it might be the opposite of what you’d like to do, I invite you, as did Ms. Lilypads, to reach out to her and spend some time together. You never know what blessings you both may receive from it!
Another idea. Start writing down each day a few gifts that have been given to you. For example, 1) your ability to communicate your thoughts and feelings so beautifully, and 2) your lovely caring nature. Keep adding to this list and reflect on it often.
Much love to you.
Hugs,
Pamela
You read my blog, so you know I struggle with, if not envy, at least feelings of inadequacy. A couple of things have been helping me. One is accepting and really hanging onto the fact that God made me and being God, he doesn’t make mistakes. He made me the way I am and he will use me the way I am (not a license to never try to improve). We all have different strengths for different jobs. What a mess the world would be (and boring!) if we each could only do the same things. And the second thing is purposely putting myself out there to women who intimidate me that I want to be friends with rather than running. It isn’t easy and I won’t say that I don’t get burnt or that I don’t still fight those feelings. I do, but I’m finding those women are surprising me more often than not and as I get to know them, I find out they have the same fears I do.
Wendy, I just wanted to let you know that I have just nomiated you for a “Very Inspiring Blogger” Award. It is my wish that you accept this award in the spirit in which it was intended. Should you wish to accept this award, here are the requirements: You must display the award logo on your blog, link back to the person who nominated you, list 7 things about yourself, nominate 15 other bloggers and link to them, and notify the bloggers of their nominations and award requirements.
Brightest Blessings!
Kim
Hi, I’ve nominated you for the Sunshine Award!
http://ayearandadaywicca.wordpress.com/2012/08/20/sunshine-award/
Wendy, it’s just me again! Today I was actually nominated by another Wiccan blog for the “Sunshine Blogger Award” and I wanted you to know that I have also nominated you for this award as well.
Please visit my other blog at http://witchcatsblog.blogspot.com to read more about it!
Brightest Blessings to you !
Kim