Whenever I’m feeling a lack of confidence, self-esteem or joy, I immediately slide into the painful feeling of envy another for another person. Not jealousy which is the fear of losing someone important to another person, but envy: the experience of wanting something another person has that you don’t feel you can have. And Envy has been chewing my ass intensely now for at least a month for another woman who volunteers at the same place I do.
She’s not particularly beautiful, wealthy, etc…but she’s uber-intelligent and everyone there loves her, esp. the shift supervisors who are always complimenting her and inviting her to their homes, ouch! She’s the type of person, who was always the teacher’s pet and excelled at everything she put her mind to. I want to be like that. I know I’m intelligent, but I don’t have the dynamism she has nor the energy to be constantly “up.” I feel pretty useless at the place I volunteer when it comes to coming up with new ideas and making friends with the people I want to.
I sound pretty much like a loser, don’t I? She’s nice to me and never has anything bad to say about anyone else so pretty much everyone loves her. I act as “if,” meaning genuinely being happy for her that she’s so popular and brings so much to the center, but that doesn’t work for me after a while. I just feel so completely worthless and horrible whenever I’m around her. I’m not sure how to shift out of my envy even though I’m really trying through therapy, Buddhist meditations and realizations about my own childhood where envy of my older brother happened because he was the golden child and I wasn’t.
I genuinely don’t know what to do and I don’t want to quit the place I volunteer at because I love working with the birds. She volunteers every day so there’s no way to avoid her. If any of you can relate, or make suggestions or help me out with this feeling of envy I would really appreciate it. Thanks for listening to my ranting.
© 2012, Wendy S.. All rights reserved.