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JUST in case you were wondering….why I haven’t been blogging as much lately, well, life has sucked for these last few weeks. My psychiatrist and Endocrinologist decided it would be best for me (and I agreed, I’m not saying I’m a victim here) that I need to get off ALL my medications that I’m currently on, except for two which are for mood stability (for my Bipolar Disorder) and one for my anxiety.
Phewww, yeah…it’s been a helluva bumpy ride. Three weeks ago, I was taking two different meds. for my ADD, two different meds. for my Bipolar Disorder, two for my “possible” thyroid disorder, and two different meds. for insomnia and now I’m only taking the meds. for my bipolar disorder, nothing for my ADD, and one new med. for my insomnia. I’m not out of the woods yet, as I’ll be switching all my meds. next week with the hopes, I’ll be somewhat stabilized and functioning. I hate taking any new medications because it takes at least three weeks to become used to them and for them to start working, (hopefully) and the in-between time is the worst!
I’ve posted before about my possible thyroid disorder which actually may not be one, according to my Endo. and so for six weeks I’m not to take any type of thyroid med. and then when it’s cleared out of my system, I have to do more thorough testing, sigh…He acknowledges that something serious is definitely going on, we just can’t say for sure one way or another what my illness might be. I’m not saying “poor little me,” well, I guess I kind of am, because nothing in my life is running smoothly or giving me any kind of pleasure.
My drive and desire for blogging is so strong and present, but the words and energy to do it just aren’t there…my ability to visit other blogs that I love is such a huge effort because I can’t concentrate and I get like one hour in the morning where I have maybe a boost of energy and then I go back to bed for the rest of the day exhausted. Reading, yes, reading and my cats of course are keeping me sane, if that’s what you want to call it.
I hate to keep apologizing to my very patient friends who I haven’t returned emails to which are long overdo, it’s not because I don’t want too, or that I don’t care, because I DO, it’s just I’m in survival mode and everything I do takes such a Herculean tasks of strength that I just don’t have. So, there you have it. I miss blogging, I really do and the ideas I have and the topics that I want to post about are simmering in the cauldron, just waiting to be written eventually.
Some blogger’s have this wonderful ability to write short, breezy posts every day, but I’m not one of those types of bloggers. When I write, I like to dig deep into my soul, mind and heart that requires a lot of thoughtfulness, concentration and authenticity. If I write anything less than what I really aim for, I feel like crap and I’m taking the weak way out. In NO way am I putting down those bloggers who can write from their top of their heads and just post whatever stirs their fancy at the time. I’m the same way about my friendships. I’ve never been one to have many superficial friends or acquaintances and always socialize with them as many I know do.
I have a few friends who know me inside and out and I devote my energy to nurturing the friendships. And I haven’t been doing so well with that part of my life either. I feel horrible that I haven’t picked up the slack and told them, how much I miss them and how much their friendships mean to me and so I’ve lost a few dear friends in the process.
One friend in particular I’m talking about is a blogger I met last year, who I consider a “soul mate sister” and while we’re both extremely busy, (she’s a mom, a wife, a blogger and a practicing witch) we would always write to each other and she would reassure me that she understood my health issues and couldn’t get back to her as much as I used to. I haven’t written back to her for at least a month now and I don’t blamer her that she’s backed off away from me and doesn’t even visit my blog anymore. I feel horribly sad about the whole situation.
My therapist asked me if I “didn’t want to take responsibility” for my friendship with my “witch sister” and that’s why I don’t correspond more often with her, even if it’s just a sentence or two. I don’t think that not wanting “responsibility” is the reason. It’s just that I feel I have nothing to offer because of my inconsistency and endless medication and mood disorder issues I’m always challenged by.
I beat myself up over and over again with excuses that I fabricate for various reasons for not emailing her and yet, I do nothing. I keep saying to myself, “Just DO it, Wendy…write a short email that tells her how much you miss talking to her and that you’re sorry you’ve been such a lousy friend.” And still, I haven’t been able to bring myself to write that email, to just reach out to her. I’m afraid that I’ll keep disappointing her over and over again, which will cause us both more grief and that’s a hurdle I haven’t been able to come to terms with yet.
I wish she knew “magickally” how much I do care about her and when I visit her blog, I feel such a longing to re-connect. But, I also know that telepathic communication is based on hopes and expectations that aren’t based on reality, most of the time. She doesn’t visit my blog anymore, well, she doesn’t leave any comments like she used to and so one of my old “friends” known as abandonment fear comes to life and I feel even more lonely, which I know makes no sense probably. And I also know that she’s probably feeling like I’ve abandoned her too, sigh…. I know, “communication, communication, communication…” and yet I seem to be choking on knowing how to communicate.
I didn’t mean to make this blog post a confessional or offer any of you more excuses for my lack of posting or visiting your blogs. I value every one of you who’s not given up on me or my blog or for not getting upset with me (at least to my knowledge) if I haven’t visited your blog as often as I used to and leave a comment.
The best metaphor I can think of to explain my situation is the “Spoon Theory.” Christine Miserandino from the blog “But You Don’t Look Sick” wrote the spoon metaphor story as a way to explain to a friend of hers how much effort it takes just to get by day to day when you have a chronic illness. Christine has Lupus, but says anyone who has a chronic sickness or disability may be able to connect to the “Spoon Theory” and share it with the people in their lives so that they have a better understanding of one’s situation.
Perhaps some of you might nod your head with acknowledgment and gratitude that someone finally gets it and is able to explain in such an amazing way, what it’s like to have to constantly deal with a chronic illness or a disability like I did when I first read it. And then maybe some of you might have a door opened with a new insight to someone you know who is battling to hang just on and then gain more compassion for them. And then some of you, might dismiss it and say it’s hogwash and “why don’t you just get on with it and stop complaining so much?” Do with it what you may, I’m sharing “The Spoon Theory” with the hopes you’ll all know that I’m doing the best I can…really I am.
If you’d like to read “The Spoon Theory” than just click this link.
Wishing all of you blessings of health.
© 2011, Wendy S.. All rights reserved.
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I don’t have a cure, or even any transferable spoons, but I do have this: send me your date, place, and time of birth, and it’s possible I can make as guess as to when the circus will end … or maybe just when the carousel will lose a bit of speed.
Dear Wendy, I am so sorry for the many health issues you are having to deal with right now. BIG hugs to you!!! I shall not be going anywhere. Please know this. You will visit when you can – I know this to be a fact. You are kind and giving and loyal – all traits that are admirable in friendship. Know that I am thinking of you during this time – just as you have been thinking of me. Much love dear friend…Theresa
Thank you Theresa, for always being there for me and I’m so glad that I can support you as well along this crazy journey, along with enjoying the magick of the faes. And it means a lot to me knowing you’re my friend and all those beautiful compliments about me. Sending YOU lots of blessings.
I feel so bad for you. I am so sorry about all of the health issues you are experiencing. I went through the thyroid thing a little over a year ago and now I am in remission. I hope they can get to the bottom of what is wrong and help you.
I am pleased to assume that Theresa in the above comment is the friend you were referencing. True friends don’t leave when their friends are experiencing hardship and the need to back away for a bit. Obviously by her comment she is a true friend and you are both blessed.
I WAS blogging every day and it was getting to be waaay too much so I have cut back down to trying to only blog 3 days a week (for my cat blog)…fool that I am, I just started a new blog (actually my Sheltie is writing it)…have no idea how I will have the time for it but I hope to make that one more insipid lol…more photos…shorter posts…people seem to respond MORE when I write LESS….go figure! The world has short attention spans!
Hoping for rosier days for you soon!
Caren Gittleman recently posted..Pet Charity Give-Away Winners!!!
Hi Caren,
I’m so glad you’re in remission for your thyroid disorder. Did you have to go on a lot of meds. to heal you and/or try any alternative therapies? I have to do more blood work before they can fully diagnosis me one way or another, but I’m not going anywhere ; ) I totally hear you about limiting the blogging, but I do believe in quality vs. quantity and everything you blog about has so much care put into it and you reply to your comments, I’m blown away, lol..
I just found your Sheltie, Dakota’s blog and love it…I left a comment that my parents are “Sheltie-holics” and I’ve fallen in love with the breed. They are so sweet and loyal. And beautiful too.
Your first responsibility is to yourself. When you’ve got major health issues flaring up, just focus on getting yourself through them. That’s your only job. You’ll reconnect with everyone later! People understand these things and if they don’t, then to hell with them.
Debra She Who Seeks recently posted..Canadian National Vimy Memorial
Thank you Debra for the support and just plain good old fashioned common sense. I’ll never forget your post about the expectations of being a “Wonder Woman” that had so much humour and truth to it. I’ve been really blessed to have made friends with people like yourself who cut me some slack about not being on top of things as much as I think I “should.” Thank you again, my friend and of course to HRH!
Ah Wendy…it sucks that you’re going through all this and I hope that one day (soon!) the doctors will figure it all out so you can get back to feeling like yourself.
I’m afraid I haven’t been much of a friend lately, either. It’s been a busy time and I went through a bit of a blue time of my own. I did notice you weren’t around and I missed you and thought of you often. Prayed for you, too.
I promise I will try to do better. Hugs to you and I’m still saying prayers.
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Stacy, how dare you put yourself down in thinking you’re not a “good friend” according to some crazy standards, like I do! lol…I know you’re always there and we connect when we connect. It seems like we’re all going through Spring blues in some form or another. Please don’t worry about when we talk and how much. You’re a dear friend to me and it works both ways with our understanding of each other. Sending you lots of blessings too. I loved reading about your family in your post and all the fun photos. May you have lots more laughter and love with them all, even the “princess” ; )
Wendy,
I understand. While I don’t have the same health issues as you do, I have my own. The Spoon Theory is exactly the way I live my life – and have for many years. The last year has been so full of (mostly) external challenges that I am dozens of spoons short. I do only what I absolutely must each day and look forward to a time when I will have a spoon to spare. That is what keeps me going. Blessings and healing energy to you.
Hi Laura,
What I like about the “Spoon theory” is that it goes across so many health issues and we who are struggling through the day to day crap that happens can support each other and say “yep, I understand…” I think it’s a challenge, well for everyone, how many spoons we need to hang onto. It’s all a learning curve isn’t it? Compassion for oneself is a major theme for me and I know we all need more of that. Thanks for leaving a comment : )
I understand the guilt and beating yourself up, I’ve been in a similar place myself lately. I found myself nodding as I read how you feel unfocused when you visit blogs, as I’ve been much the same. The thing to remember however, is that your health is of paramount importance. If that means taking weeks or months to get your medications squared away and your head back on straight, then take that time and don’t feel bad. Those who love you will still be there at the end of it and if there are explanations or words you wish to share, they will be all the clearer for your improved health.
I’ll keep you in my thoughts and will light a candle to help light your way along the road tback to yourself. *hugs*
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Awww, thanks Danni. I know how incredibly busy you’ve been with the new house, which I love and am so excited to hear more about it. Really, I don’t know how everyone manages to keep up with all the blogs they subscribe too. As you so generously pointed out, those who are true friends, understand we touch base when we can and taking care of ourselves is the best way we can give back to others. Sending you lots of blessings too, dearest Danni : )
I am a firm believer that when at all possible, friends/lovers should try to take turns being the strong supportive one. When you are feeling unable to be strong the other person should step in. Now, occasionally life doesn’t cooperate with this plan, and both people go through difficulties at the same time and cannot possibly take on anything else, nor do they feel they can be a help at all. Maybe that’s what is happening here. So, keep the faith and mark the days off on the calendar and stay hopeful – this could be the turning point in your health issues!
aine recently posted..A Personal Creed
Thank you Aine for reminding me that we can’t always be the strong one. I am learning a lot of valuable lessons actually in my illness and there’s a book I think you’ll love that I’ll be posting about, bits and pieces, esp. that March itself is a “waiting” period and no matter what we do, we can’t push something that isn’t ready to bloom yet…
Wendy, You concentrate on you and those Kitties. And I hope you get answers to your health dilemmas soon. It’s no fun feeling crappy. And do not fret about us. We understand and shall be here for you. ♥
And thank you for sharing the spoon theory with us. A marvelous explanation!
Jeanne Gripp recently posted..New Fascinators in my Etsy Shop
Thank you Jeanne, yes my “girls” are definitely a blessing and as you know kitties are great snugglers and show us how to relax, even when we don’t want to
; ) I love reading Gomez’s posts, he’s quite the author! Glad you like the “spoon theory” as it really applies to all of us, health issues or otherwise…
Dear Wendy,
I am so very sorry for all the health issues you are having to deal with. Sending you hugs and prayers. Don’t worry about blogging or not blogging just do what you can. I’m just so happy to have found your blog and feel blessed just for knowing you.
I know Sele and Miss Bella will take good care of you ~
*Blessings*
Laurie
Thank you Ms. Rosy Laurie, you remind me of one of your beautiful roses. Do you know Angel from avalonsgardenandgreenhouse.blogspot.com/? I think you’d like her blog, you remind me so much of each other with your soft loveliness and love of all things beautiful. Sending you blessings : )
Wendy: You need to fret only about yourself. Guilt about anything or anyone else is just self destructive. I know because I sabotage myself alot as well. Concentrate your energies to getting you to a good spot, then you’ll be able to handle the rest of life. In the meantime know that you are not alone in this circle….repeat, undo, redo, etc. The Olde Bagg, Linda
When you get a chance, go hit up my shop. Medical Expressions has the bipolar shirts ::wry grin:: Shirts?? Because I’m bipolar too as well as both of my kids and we thought it would be funny to a) wear a layer of them to a party and take one off at a time or b) change them at different times at a party and whenever someone said, “Wait! That wasn’t the one you were wearing earlier!” We’d go, “Huh? No, this is the one I’ve had on all night.” with an innocent smile on our face. ChairCat has the invisible disability one. ::wink::
Don’t worry about the spoon issue. I’ve also fibro & chronic myofasical pain (& my husband & both kids have ADD). I hang out on three communities for folx on LJ for people with disabilities, two for venting/snarking & one for fibro. I think everyone on the entire planet is flaring this year. Serious. The galaxy is in retrograde. ::grin:: Must be the weather. Save your energy for what you can do. My family & I count my health by how many cats are on the bed. I’m rarely without one. ::sigh::
I’ve had to drop a lot on the internet in addition to RL as well. It bites. Feel free to one-line me anytime. PS Audrey just jumped onto the keyboard to say hi.
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Hi Kat, I had to rush over to your shop and buy myself two “B.P.” cats, they’re hilarious! You really are an amazing woman to have all the painful health issues, and maintain your sanity ; ) I don’t know how you manage to blog, create your art, be a wife/mommy and are making your way as gracefully as possible through this crazy Merc. Retro period…Must be the kitties, yes?
Gee, tryring to get meds sorted out can take a long time. We purr that it works for you soon.
Hug your lovely kitties.It will not fix things, but it will make you smile
Purrs Tillie and Georgia
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Just focus on yourself for now Wendy…medical issues have to take a priority…you won’t be any good to anyone or yourself, or your lovely kitties…until you’ve gotten to a stable place in that respect. True friends will understand if you need a time out to take care of yourself. They’ll be there to support you or there to welcome you back when you are ready. No one is perfect and there’s no such thing as a perfect friend. accepting and supporting each other as is is what friendship is all about.
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First…I dub thee guilt-free! do not worry about those who have left, they obviously weren’t truly your friend.
True friends, are there for all kinds of weather!
Additionally I KNOW exactly how you feel about blogging right now (for some of the same reasons and some different)
I know the spoon theory, as it has been sent to me from a friend with RFD (? I think that is what it is)one from a friend with FM…which they think I have also, and another friend with lupus.
It is a wonderful analogy.
PLEASE come to me anytime to vent or chat or whatever…my email is always open to you dear Wendy!
I got an email to a post today about your son and his cat, but now it seems to be missing. I didn’t get to read the whole thing, but first A very Happy birthday to Alex, and second…Mowgli could possibly live another 3 years or so with the diabetes. However, that doesn’t mean you have to be the one he lives with, especially if he doesn’t get along with your cats. I know from watching Animal planet that there are people that foster or adopt sick or “at-risk” domestic animals. I think this is an avenue you and your son should peruse. That is the advise I can give, as I KNOW it is breaking your heart to say no to Alex about Mowgli. I KNOW it goes against your grain, as you are a cat person and animal friendly. However your own life is topsy-turvy right now, and you do not need the extra stress of trying to get these cats to get along, let alone, chase down and hold a cat while giving it an insulin injection or pills.
Be hugs my friend!
love,
Sue
Definitely the kitties!! I spend a lot of time in bed and my family helps tons. I don’t think of myself as amazing at all! I do find that humor helps. One of the biggest things that helped me was picking up some Kindness Coins from Oriental Trading. I was having trouble letting people help me. I’ve had trouble with my knees since I was a teenager. My last painfree day was when I was 26. I’ll be 50 this summer and it still bugs me that I feel like I should be able to do things for myself.
So I got a bag of Kindness Coins (I ran across then when picking up a bag of coins for kids saying “I was caught being good”) that basically thank people for being kind. I used them for about a year and a half, giving them to people who helped me. I would reach into my pocket and some people would start to refuse, thinking I was trying to give them money. I had one or two negative responses but I had so many positive responses. I would tell people to pass it on. And the funny thing was, the more I used them, the easier it was to accept help. I realized that letting others help was not just helping me, it was helping them.
I mean, I feel good when I help other people. It only makes sense. I was blessing them as much as they were blessing me. Okay, must be time to stop now, Audrey just brought me a hair band to play with!
Hi! Me again! I was only on meds for about a year or so…just one pill…I wish I could remember the name. Yes, the blood work will enable your doctor to know how to proceed.
I am hoping for the best for you!
Thanks for your kind words about both of my blogs! Ohhhhh trust me, there are MANY times I just SLAP something up there!!! lol. Cats are a passion of mine…I love dogs as well but I am completely passionate about cats…thank you!!
I try to respond to all of my comments, I think that is important but most people don’t have the time to. I am unemployed (I am a freelance writer) and I don’t even have the time!
Caren Gittleman recently posted..An Interview With Judy Johnson From Bay Colony Designs- The Creator Of Custom Sculptured Cats
I’m really sorry to learn you’re having such a tough time, Wendy. You need to focus on your health and leave the guilt behind. Sometimes friendships go through a silent period but that doesn’t mean it’s any less important. Perhaps your friend is just patiently waiting to hear from you and doesn’t want to bombard you with emails?
Sometimes life gets in the way of blogging. I know I just haven’t had much time to go blog reading and I barely can find the inspiration to write my own blog. Don’t be hard on yourself, Wendy. Perhaps there are genuine reasons for the lack of comments and just because she might not be leaving them often doesn’t mean your friend isn’t stopping by. I’m sure it will all come right in the end.
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