PrintIntegrity means to me, that I act in harmony with myself in a way that’s respectful to myself and to others. Walking my talk is another way to say it. I took down my last post about forgiving someone else, because I felt in-congruent with what I posted and how I’ve been really feeling. I don’t think that I was honest with my letting go of my feelings of anger with J. and that I wasn’t thinking of the hurt I can cause further, if she happens to have read that post. I do know she reads my blog and since there’s already enough confusion and hurt between us, I felt I might have inflamed the issue more by writing about a topic that probably is better left private.
So, many of you left amazing comments of support, empathy and wisdom, that I do really appreciate and value. I hope you’ll understand why I took this post down and know that my intention was not to lie, cause any harm or dishonor anyone. I’ve said it before and I want to say it again, receiving comments is like a gift, always appreciated and enjoyed (even when they’re less than flattering) but never expected.
I’m feeling really insecure with a lot of people in my life right now, as if I might be stepping on toes unconsciously, not facilitating open and honest communication and making myself difficult to talk to. I felt like a sham in a way for writing my last “truth” because I’m not as evolved, or confident or spiritual as some of you may think. I have a long way to go with my communication skills and interpersonal relationships. When my stomach is rolling over (best way to explain what I’m experiencing), and my heart feels heavy, something is off and I need to take some kind of action that may correct the situation even if I don’t succeed.
So, that’s my truth for today. As much as I believe in honesty and “truth”, I don’t think that honesty can be abused when possibly harm someone else. I also am not saying that I don’t believe in honesty and that lying is a better way to act. I just think there’s a fine line in how one uses honesty and that there’s no black or white way of coming out of the truth. I’ve learned to ask myself “What is my true intention?” as much as I can, especially in the blogging world where I interact with people in such a powerful and intimate way.
Part of my spiritual path is to act with kindness, humility and awareness. Again, I apologize to J. if you read my last post and I hurt you or lead you to believe that I was exploiting our situation. And I apologize to all of you for not being honest in a way that served the highest good.
Namaste.
© 2010, Wendy S.. All rights reserved.
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Wendy, sweet, caring, honest Wendy. I understand, I have been there myself, sometimes one can be ‘truthful’ & ‘honest’ and it can still be a bad thing, especially when dealing with a public forum. You are very brave and in my opinion VERY HONEST, because you posted this post! It takes a lot to be completely honest with yourself and even more so to admit it on a public forum! I need you to know that you are a WONDERFUL, HONEST, CARING person, there is no way you would feel so bad about a fairly benign post if you were not. For my part you can sit back and relax, I am so similar to you I think, because the feelings you described and the way you wrote this post I understood exactly, it is just how I have felt in the past. I will not leave nor will I hold your perceived mistakes against you. Even the Gods/Goddesses have trouble with perfection. You are bold and brave and truly honest!
Blessings!
Faerie Sage recently posted..Truth 14
Faerie Sage, I could just feel your warmth all day long as I slept with my kitties. I read your comment earlier and it just felt so good and loving. If we are alike, then I consider myself very blessed because you have one of the largest and most beautiful hearts out there. Thank you for always unconditionally accepting me. I send you the love and light right back to you.
I understand, and I hope I am not one of the people who you are feeling ill-at-ease with.
I have come to looking so forward to reading your posts, and getting your feedback on mine.
Hugs,
Sue
Susan G recently posted..some prizes Ive been honored to win
NO, Sue, you are not one of the people I was talking about. I probably could have done a clearer job by saying that I was wrapped in my own fear and insecurities and that no one had done anything to make me feel uncomfortable. See? You think I’m composed and confident all the time? HA! ; ) I told you I’m pretty neurotic and needy a lot. Hugs to you too!
I missed the last post somehow, but I do know that forgiveness is tricky. I think we want to forgive before we really truly do. You shouldn’t feel alone in this. We often want to put things in the past and forgive those who have hurt us, but it’s really not possible until we feel it. Maybe it takes time to be far enough away from the situation to do so – I don’t know. In my life I have forgiven more than I have been forgiven, but I will admit that there are still some people I do not forgive yet, and I don’t feel bad about it because it’s not something you can force. Most of the time we have difficulties with this it’s because the hurt we have suffered involves core issues, such as abandonment, betrayal, etc. I don’t know if I have helped at all, having not read the post but sometimes we don’t live up to our own standards and that doesn’t make us bad, just human.
Aine recently posted..Altared States of Consciousness
You’re so incredibly wise, Aine. I came to that same realization that I can’t force myself to forgive even when my head says I need too. And because I have my own measure of how and when I need to forgive it backfires on me and makes me feel resentful and guilty. Thank you for the incredible insight and how beautifully you put it.
Ah Wendy….I’m not going to go on and on because you already know what I’ve had to deal with lately. It sounds like we are on amazingly similar paths right now. We’ll find our way and we’ll be the better for it.
Love you, woman! Love my pretty new blog, too! THANK YOU.
Stacy Lynn recently posted..Hello and Welcome!
Stacy! : ) It is very funny how “fate” brings people together at the right times or in some cases the wrong times to help each other heal, learn and then gain greater wisdom. You have been so much fun and a really wonderful support system in my life. I am so happy you like your blog look, really I didn’t do any of the major work. Your writing is the magick that makes your blog shine. Thank you so much for allowing me to help you with such a personal expression of yourself.
I soooo TOTALLY believe in FATE…thus the name of my blog…I know I really need a better banner/header than what I have…
it doesn’t really invoke thoughts of FATE, LOL! 
Sue
Susan G recently posted..some newer art
Don’t worry, we’ll re-design your blog. Did I tell you I loved your blog name? It reminds me of a Pirate matey ; )
I did not get to ready the post before it came down but one thing I think you should know is that even with that event you have grown in some way. All things happen for a reason and I am sure you are better off having had this experience. Don’t be to hard on yourself and remember you are always learning and growing.
Ponderosa Pagan recently posted..Samhain and the turning Wheel
Christian, you’re really kind and you’re absolutely right. When a friend of mine is struggling and upset with themselves, I always tell them, “Progress not perfection.” If only we were more like our pets, yes? ; ) Not so hung up on self-condemnation and existential crisis galore. Kiss your fur-baby for me, I miss my daschie.
Wendy,
Your writing only reinforces the truth we all know: You are a kind, beautiful person who is clearly very caring or you wouldn’t have written today’s post. I think you are being too hard on yourself as Ponderosa Pagan already mentioned. Writing these 30 Posts of Truth are not easy. If we are truly being honest in what we say, they make us feel raw and exposed and have us questioning many things. You are very brave indeed. I had to take a few days break from writing them.
Please know that we are here, supporting you, and look forward to anything you wish to talk about.
Big hugs!
Pamela
I am so glad we met through these “truths…” Pamela. As I told you when I first visited your blog, I just felt such peace and warmth and let go of a heavy sigh. This is a challenge and it has left me feeling raw as I sluff of the dead skin over my soul that’s necessary for growth. I’m like you, because these posts are demanding I also have to pace myself. I’m glad that my next truth isn’t as painful and challenging. Thank you Pamela for extending your hand in friendship and I appreciate so much all your love and support.
I am trying to get around to reading everyone’s on the list myself, even if it is only “one or 2 days” at a time.
Sue
Susan G recently posted..some newer art
Integrity is hard, it’s nice to see someone struggling with some of the same issues that I have. I used to have a co-worker who “told the truth” she liked to call it “Keeping it real”. and on the one hand you always knew where you stood with her.
she told the truth without any thought to the repercussions.
truth without thought is like muffins without frosting, they still taste good and may even be better for you but wouldn’t you rather have frosting?
Flora Goodson recently posted..Blues today
Hi Flora, thanks for commenting. I’m really glad you told me about your co-worker and the way she used truth as a weapon as opposed to using it with grace and humility. Integrity, is one of my fave. “virtues.” And I have to keep re-defining what it is for me on a personal level over and over again. I think the ’70′s really tried to push everyone into “always telling the truth” which actually did more harm than good because as you said there were no thoughts of the repercussions. Good choice of words. I love…”truth without thought is like muffins”!! One of my new. fave quotes : ) And yes, frosting like true kindness makes life a little more bearable somehow.
Dear Wendy,
This post in itself was brave. In hindsight, perhaps it was a good idea to remove the post so that bad feelings or misunderstandings would not be increased. It was an honest and open post, as was this one. I do not feel you were being dishonest. You must do what you feel is best. And we will support you 100%! Theresa
Theresa recently posted..Getting Ready for the Holidays!
You always comment with such love and support, Theresa, thank you : ) I’m glad I took down the post and when I did I actually was able to let go of my anger and know true forgiveness. It means a lot to me when I’m not bashed for being wishy-washy for retracting a post. Honesty is like pepper to me, important for taste and seasoning, but needs to be used with discretion : )
never had a chance to read the post you speak of so it is somewhat hard to reflect on it. However I do hope that things work out for you and whoever you speak of… Sending blessings your way
Thank you Janie…I have worked out things with the person I needed to forgive. We’re all doing the best we can and sometimes I need a reminder to remember that. Blessings to YOU : )