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It takes a lot of courage and fortitude to be different from your family despite the loneliness and pain that can come from that. Every time I talk to a family member it never fails to remind me that they’ll never understand me, they’ll never really “see” me and they’ll never appreciate the gifts I do have, rather than what measures up to them. Some days, I writhe in intense pain and sorrow knowing that I’ll never fit in with them and then there are other days like today where I may not be able to quench my longing to be close to them, but I don’t shrink from who I am and what I can give.
I’ve mentioned in a past post”The Mistaken Zygote” theory written by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés excerpted from her book,”Women Who Run With the Wolves“, but I wanted to share the full story here. The book “Women who run with the Wolves” has become a sacred “bible” to me and I believe everybody, man or woman can benefit in some way from reading it. I re-read it once a year and every time I read it, I gain new knowledge, new insights and am just “wowed” with all of the beauty and wisdom to be found in it.
“The Mistaken Zygote Syndrome”
by C.P. Estés
I tell my patients this story I made up, with both levity and gravity, to try to explain one of the great mysteries of this Earth: why some parents and offspring sometimes look at one another and ask themselves, “Who the heck are you? and what planet did you really come from??”
Here’s what I have to say on the matter in my consulting room:
We are born the way we are, and into the odd families we came through:
1) Just because… (almost no one will believe this).
2) The Self has a plan, and our pea-brains are too tiny to parse it (many find this a hopeful idea) or
3) Because of the Mistaken Zygote Syndrome
(well…yes, maybe…but what is that?).
Your family thinks you’re an alien.
You have feathers,
they have scales.
Your idea of a good time is the forest,
the wilds,
the inner life,
the outer majesty.
Their idea of a good time is folding towels.
If this is so for you in your family,
then you are a victim of The Mistaken Zygote Syndrome.
Your family moves slowly through time,
you move like the wind;
they are loud,
you are soft,
or they are silent and you sing.
You know because you just know.
They want proof and a three-hundred-page dissertation.
Sure enough, it’s The Mistaken Zygote Syndrome.
You’ve never heard of that?
Well see, the Zygote Fairy was flying over your hometown one night,
and all of the little zygotes in her basket were hopping and jumping with excitement.
You were indeed destined for parents who would have understood you,
but the Zygote Fairy hit turbulence and,
oops, you fell out of the basket over the wrong house.
You fell head over heels,
head over heels,
right into a family that was not meant for you.
Your “real” family was three miles farther on.
That is why you fell in love with a family that wasn’t yours,
And who lived three miles over.
You always wished Mr. and Mrs. So-and-So were your real parents.
Chances are they were meant to be.
This is why you tap-dance down the hallways even though you come from
a family of television spores.
This is why your parents are alarmed every time you come home or call.
They worry, “What will s/he do next?
S/he embarrassed us last time,
God only knows what s/he will do now.
Ay!
They cover their eyes when they see you coming
and it is not because your light dazzles them.
All you want is love.
All they want is peace.
Sure enough, it’s The Mistaken Zygote Syndrome.
______________
CODA: One solution I think works well and mercifully as well: Find those you truly belong to. Blood is not thicker than resonance. One can lend respect and regard to blood, and yet also give love where it is returned. Thriving requires it. As I quoted Charles Simic the poet, later in this piece: He who cannot howl, will not find his pack.
(“The Mistaken Zygote Syndrome” excerpted here from “Women Who Run With the Wolves“, Ballantine/Random House/Bertelsmann, © Copyright 1992, 1996. C.P. Estés, All Rights Reserved.)
Ahhh, this explains it all! See, I’m running WITH the wolves and they’re running AWAY from them.
And the song “If you want to sing out, sing out” by Cat Stevens always makes me smile and yes, sing out, so let’s sing or rather howl together…
(Image Credits:
“The Wolf” by Trulsespedal
“Wolf Woman Stamp” by Golden Wolf)
© 2011, Wendy S.. All rights reserved.
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Oh Thanks for putting cat Stevens on – I LOVE him!
GREAT start to my day!
Haven’t read that book will look out for it.
Love Leanne
Hi,
I love the piece from the book. I have tried to read the book in Dutch, but didn’t get far. I just couldn’t get into the book. Is that just me. I’ve talked to other Dutch women, who also couldn’t get into the book. What are we doing wrong ? When I read this peace I totally understand.
That is a bit of a problem, I would love to read the book, but can’t get further than the 1st chapter.
Can you offer some advice ??
Have a magical day.
Hi Moncha,
Did you see the comment left by Debra? She said that she couldn’t get into the book either, so please know that whether you’re Dutch, American or from Venus some people just don’t resonate with the book by READING it. I liked though that Debra said that after she listened to it on Audio it made a difference. Some of use learn or sense the world by visual like reading books and then some of us are more attuned to audio. I think with Dr. Este’s book, it would be easier on Audio because she’s a story teller and the book can be wordy. When she speaks it though you might be able to enjoy it more.
Every so often, in my travels around the web, I find a great tag line. Your “Blood is not thicker than resonance” definitely qualifies.
Oh I like that quote…Esp. for those of us who don’t feel connected to our blood clan.
It takes a lot of courage to not conform to what others think we should be. We are who we are. And that’s that. My family has finally learned to accept me for who I am – they still don’t necessarily like it but at least they accept it.
Revel in the One-ness of you! ♥
I is, who I is, I think Popeye said, right? ; ) You’re absolutely right that we can’t make our family like or appreciate us, which is hard to let go of, but acceptance is important. I think we have to learn to accept ourselves first as you seem to have done and then whether our family likes us or appreciates us becomes less important.
I tried to read WWRWTW twice and couldn’t get through it. Then I got the audio book and just loved it! I guess I needed to HEAR her stories, not just READ them.
You’re a lovely little zygote and if they can’t understand you, then it’s their loss.
Why, thank you Ms. Debra, I”m blushing from your compliment about my zygote ; ) Good idea about listening to the audio. which might help out Moncha who left a comment. Dr. Estes is first and foremost a story teller and some people communicate better with their speaking as opposed to their writing. I haven’t heard the audio version of it, but I have a long car trip coming up and that would be the perfect tape to listen to. Thanks for the idea…
That would be me as well. My family members were the plodding ones and I, quicksilver. Always different. Though my parents, who I loved dearly, are long gone, my sister lives on the other coast, and I’ve long accepted that we will never be close. I made my family from friends.
We sound so much alike Laura! And there’s so many of us who have been misplaced that finding our clan wherever we can I think is the way to truly heal and grow. And really as long as our fur-babies love us, who cares what others think, right? ; )
Hi Wendy,
Thanks for leaving such a sweet comment on my blog today. The timing was perfect, too — today is my birthday.
I hope to see you posting for Beverly’s Pink Saturday one of these days.
Hugs,
Birgit aka your Rapunzel friend
OH Happy happy birthday dear Rapunzel…I was planning on participating this weekend but I had such major P.M.S. that every color was unappealing for me, even pink which I love : )
Thank you for posting this!!! I NEED to buy this book!!!! Very insightful in so many ways. I truly DO think we were separated at birth. I ADORE that Cat Stevens song!!!! I even included it in my CD mix that I brought to work…it has such great meaning.
I think you would love this book, Theresa, you’re definitely a wolf woman too and I would love to exchange c.d. mixes because we probably be listening, no I KNOW we’d be listening to the same songs. This morning is misty and cool which I love, so I’m listening to Clannad right now, whom I’m sure you love like me : )