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Uggh, I really have been debating writing this post about my Bipolar Disorder, but it’s important for me to do this for a few reasons; 1) May is “Mental Health Awareness Month” and 2) I love need to remember a well-known 12 step quote “You’re only as sick as your secrets” and if I don’t share my struggles either here with you and/or with my therapist, I stay stuck in a rut which leads to greater depression and frustration. The worst side-effect that I feel is a side-effect of my illness is; shame.
First, let me talk a little about what I’ve learned about shame. I’m not ashamed about my illness, but I do feel shame about what I do when I’m caught up and can’t seem to get out of the old unhealthy and destructive ways that are symptoms of my Bipolar Disorder. Every person who has a mental illness, experiences it differently with symptoms, moods, physical problems, etc..so, what I’m writing about may not apply at all to another person with Bipolar Disorder.
I found a great book that addresses shame called; “I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power” by Brené Brown. (Fantastic book for really anyone, who doesn’t understand how crippling shame is.) Brown says;
“People often want to believe that shame is reserved for the unfortunate few who have survived terrible traumas, but this is not true. Shame is something we all experience. And, while it feels like shame hides in our darkest corners, it actually tends to lurk in all of the familiar places, including appearance and body image, motherhood, family, parenting, money and work, mental and physical health, addiction, sex, aging and religion.”
Brown talks about the often misunderstood definitions between shame and guilt. We feel guilty when we perform actions that we judge to be wrong according to our own ethics/morals. Shame is when we feel that WE are imperfect, flawed, unlovable, etc…
When we genuinely hurt another person, sometimes we need to check in with ourselves and either make amends to the person we hurt or take some similar action that addresses our guilt. In fact, guilt can sometimes be a healthy thing to feel and experience while shame never is. I don’t feel guilt as much as I do shame, because I have always had this ingrained belief that I’m so fucked up as a person and that I’ll continue to be so for the rest of my life.
Shame IS a common factor for everyone as Brown illustrates, but it’s really magnified when a person has a mood disorder. I won’t go into how I started feeling I was a horrible person because of x..y…and z, which then lead into me being plagued by shame as that could be an entire book.
I want to share with you instead my latest personal encounter with shame. A symptom of Bipolar Disorder (the manic aspect) may include out of control spending and money problems and that’s probably my biggest Achilles’ Heel. I come from a pretty well of family and when I was growing up I was never taught how to work with money on a practical level, much less the spiritual aspect of it. (Again, I could write millions of posts about my relationship with money, but let’s just say, that I haven’t learned yet how to work with money in a way that’s positive or healthy.)
I don’t have credit card debt like many people do, I’ve never had to declare bankruptcy (knock on wood) and I do try to balance the money I am blessed to have (left as an inheritance by my deceased mother) with charitable donations, generosity to my friends and always, always maintaining a deep attitude of gratitude for what I do have.
Before I was diagnosed with my Bipolar Disorder, I would just go off on spending binges that most of you wouldn’t even begin to comprehend and probably be shocked and appalled by which is understandable. I feel the same way about my past. And I’d really like to tell you how conscious and healthy I became when I started to take medications for my illness and really started addressing the mental, physical and spiritual side-effects of my B.P. disorder in therapy but I’d be lying.
“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging. (“I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power” by Brené Brown)
I slowly started to decrease my out of control sprees but I was and still far off from where I want to be when it comes to money. I bounced a lot of checks, I would often buy clothes, make up, and other unnecessary things before I would pay bills, I never balanced my checkbook and just a lot of other insidious mess ups with money. I always made sure though that my son was well fed and taken care of and I’ve always been responsible financially when it’s come to my pets.
I realize as I write this now, how ashamed I feel about how my relationship with money because I’m trying to add the positives with the negatives. That’s part of my faulty and messed up thinking. My therapist always tells me that I’m way too hard on myself and that lasting progress happens in tiny baby steps rather than drastic giant leaps of action. Still, though, it doesn’t erase my horrible shame.
“….shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive behaviors than it is to be the solution. It is human nature to want to feel affirmed and valued. When we experience shame we feel disconnected and desperate for belonging and recognition. It’s when we are more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors, to attack or humiliate others or to stay quiet when see someone who needs our help.” (“I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power” by Brené Brown)
I receive two checks from my trust fund, left by my mother every month. And while I do have to give myself credit that even though I’m still not as responsible as I’d like to be, I am slowly starting to become healthier and more conscious about how I use money. However, last night, I knew that I had a ton of bills I had to pay today. You know, utilities, etc…and I felt this real resentment that I needed to do the right thing and pay my bills first before I got to “play” with some of my money.
If you’re an addict, you’ll understand my thinking. Any addiction has to be so carefully monitored and often an addict believes that they have perfect control over their addiction.
I still want to believe that I can be in control of what I spend and what I save. So, this morning, I did pay off the majority of my bills but I knew, I just knew that there was this strong demanding part of myself that said, “Fuck it, I’m going to spend a ridiculous amount of money and damn the consequences”
And I did exactly that which leaves me where I am now, feeling horrible and ashamed. I didn’t spend all of my money as I need money for food and my medications, but I spend an amount in such a short time on stuff that I really don’t need, which leaves me hating myself even more.
If any of you have an eating disorder, you might understand where I’m coming from. You know when you buy food that’s really a trigger point for you to binge and then purge etc…and you tell yourself that you’re only going to allow yourself, to eat just the smallest amount so that you feel satisfied and than you’ll be save the rest for another day? Most of the time it doesnt’ work like that.
You binge and then you feel sick to your stomach both physically and metaphorically which leads to this deep burning shame about how “weak and useless” you feel. It’s the same destructive cycle for how I use money.
I used to have an eating disorder which is pretty much for the most part in balance. I don’t drink alcohol at all, I don’t smoke or take any type of recreational drugs, but I crave that same physiological and emotional high that addicts experience with their choice of addictions.
I haven’t learned how to control myself yet and the shame cycle continues and gets worse each time when I overspend, because I keep telling myself, “I should know better…, I’m acting spoiled and selfish for spending the money like I do, I’m weak and stupid and I’ll never change, etc..” I think you get the point.
I know I’m not going to return what I bought, because that’s not really the issue. It’s the actions that I’ve committed that damns me in my mind. It’s the fear that I won’t be able to stop spending the money I do have left and worse, there’s the feeling and thoughts of “well, I deserve this because fill in the blank.”
So, there you have it. A personal experience of the mania that I have that’s partly rooted in my B.P. disorder. I don’t want to sound like I’m excusing myself for my behaviors and it’s all because I have a mood disorder, but I know that having Bipolar Disorder exacerbates my dysfunctional relationship with money.
I just wanted to share with you my struggles and the deep despair I feel to vent safely and possibly reach out to some of you who may have the same or similar issue. You’re not alone…
If you or someone you know does have a mental illness, there are tons of resources out there to help and support you. At the end of this post I’ll leave you with some links to websites I find to be helpful.
And if you want to talk to me privately about what you just read or you have concern for yourself or others, I’m here to talk. You can leave your contact info. and a message if you want on my blogs contact form or email me. I might not get back to you right away, but I will most definitely get back to you. (No one besides myself has access to any info. left on my contact form and I will keep anything you tell me completely confidential.)
Thank you all for being my friends and readers of this blog.
“One reason shame is so powerful is its ability to make us feel alone. Like we are the only one or somehow we’re different from everyone else. When we hear stories that mirror our own shame experiences, it helps us know we aren’t alone.” (“I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power” by Brené Brown)
RESOURCES:
National Alliance on Mental Illness
© 2011, Wendy S.. All rights reserved.
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Wendy, something I know from seeing your chart is that you, personally, are prone to shame: it’s just something you came here to learn to deal with. I hope that comforts you, because you are walking that thin line between “I did something I wish I had not, and I regret doing that” and “I did something I wish I had not, and I will never, ever be a whole person who doesn’t do stuff like that.”
Need I add that the first may be true, but the second isn’t? From what you say in the blog, dear one, take heart. You are taking the small necessary steps to get yourself where you need to be.
You cared for your son, you care for your cats, and you care for yourself. There is nothing to be shamed of there; most people will do the first. Many do not do the second, even more the third.
No, it’s not fun to be responsible: at least the addicted brain doesn’t see it that way. One thing that I myself have learned about money is that when you spend compulsively, the pleasure once available diminishes with each impulsive, compulsive, unnecessary purchase.
Hang in there: the pleasure diminishes, and the freedom of behaving responsibly becomes an ever-sweeter reward. You’ll get there. Me too, someday; I’ve still got my thumb out, hitching my way toward responsibility.
Vivienne,
You really light me up in the best way : ) Really interesting to learn about the astro. influences and my personality, esp. the “shame shadow” aspect. Karma, karma, karma, eh? It’s very interesting to me to that my quest for balance and notice I said quest really comes out from my chart. Being a Libra, having Bipolar Disorder, etc…I’d love to learn more, not just about my astro. influences but also how others face their own demons and angels astrologically as well. I’m just going to pick your brain for wisdom and magic, if you don’t mind ; ) Thank you though for really making me feel that much more accepted and supported.
I too have Bipolar Disorder and have trouble with spending binges. The shame that comes with this only exacerbates the disorder and I’m working to get this area of my life under control.
HI Lynette, shame is a real killer psychologically isn’t it? That’s why it’s SO important in my opinion that people who have mood disorders and struggle with any type of addictive behaviors find support where ever they can, like on blogs. Thank you so much for commenting and sharing your own challenge. Sending you blessings.
It’s hard to resist when you’re in the grip of a desire to binge, I know. We all have our little dark shame corners. Good for you for being so open and honest about your struggles.
I found that in my life when I was truly happy I didn’t feel I needed to buy anything, so I understand how a mood disorder can prompt the spending sprees. Even though I don’t have a mood disorder, I do know that when I have been unhappy in my life I have purchased much more stuff.
There was a period of time when I was very poor – had barely enough money to survive. I worried all the time that some unexpected thing was going to come up and I was going to be done for. During this time I wanted more money – obviously- but I realized that it wasn’t because I wanted money to spend. It was that I just didn’t want to have to “think about it” anymore. I didn’t want to put a price tag on everything I saw so that I could make my bills. I just wanted to be comfortable.
I’m glad that medications help you with your disorder. Maybe too you could try to find ways to lift your spirits that do not require a lot of money – this might be a way to wean you off the spending high, experiencing more subtle, but just as satisfying pleasure.
I completely agree with you Aine that money or another addiction more often than not substitutes for something spiritually lacking, in my case at least. And usually, if I’m balanced with med.’s and life (ha-ha!) I get deep into my creativity so that spending money is not an obsession like it is. And how right you are that whether we’re either lacking money or have an abundance of it, we still worry about losing it, having more, or how to spend it.
I do not have bipolar, or any other ‘classified’ mental health issue, but I sure as hell can relate to spending money in an unhealthy way. I’ve always had an issue with money, and I don’t know why. I don’t blame anyone for it… my sister and I were bought up in the same way, on an individual level, and she is great with money, and I am not. My mum is a hoarder of money, my dad is a spender. I never have been ‘good’ with money, and probably never will be, because it takes control and effort, and it is boring.
In my book, on a very basic level,you are either a spender or a hoarder, but neither types of people seem particularly happy.
I think the issue of money is as high on the media agender as weight..
If the bills are paid, the kids and animals fed, then for goodness sake stop beating yourself up over spending sprees… if you need the money, and not the things,then take em back. If you don’t need the money, then quit over analysing over something you know you do.
I’m not sure if the above comes across as a bit matter-of-fact, or harsh… it’s not intended to, I just think some things are over-rated and we feel the need to blame something that just doesn’t need energy spent on it… unless of course you are up to your neck in debt, and need to learn to budget… now that is another story….
I’ve been reading a lot about our relationship with money and what we’ve learned from our parents. And I laughed so hard reading your comment about having control and being boring. I read somewhere that we can civilly talk about politics, religion and sex, but when it comes to money it’s a majorly hot taboo subject. And no you didn’t come off across as “harsh” at all. I always value your down-to-earth English views on life, Abi as well as just adoring you. And thankfully, I’m not in debt like so many people are which is a lot to do with our economy. It’s a time for great challenges but also great blessings too. Being a Libra, I”m trying to find the balance.
The fact that you know that you have something to work on and that fact that your open enough to share it is a huge step. We’re all human…we all have demons that we battle…and to be honest I don’t know that we can ever completely win…because after all…if we’re human we can’t be perfect, right?
And I know you said that returning the stuff is not the issue, so you probably won’t…but just speaking from my own experience…even if it’s not the point…sometimes taking an action to balance out a previous action can help one feel better.
~~HUGS~~
Melissa, Milo, & Piper
Thank you Melissa for your support and wonderfully supportive words as usual. I absolutely know what you’re talking about with the whole balancing act, which is why I think that I pay the bills, get the cats food and other necessary stuff. I struggle with the intensity and speed with how much I spend which is really scary when it’s triggered by or comes before the chemical mania in my body/mind. But, karma….not the punishing kind, but I really like your way of defining karma as balancing. Thank you : )
I used to think that being honest about myself to anyone was a mistake. I was afraid people would use the information against me. So until I was grown, I refused to be an honest human about anything to do with me. The freedom I feel just letting whatever I am feeling out is exhilerating now as an olde broad.
But I do so understand about the shame issue.
You are wonderful to share this…who knows where the ripples you put into this pond will reach.
You’re a goodie.
Thank you Oma (I always feel your hugs) when you leave a comment. It’s funny that I’m very, very guarded about being myself and vulnerable with my family for exactly the reasons you stated about being afraid that people will take advantage over you. I don’t know that I can really ever feel safe enough to be completely honest with them and really it’s not their fault. Some people are just oblivious and insensitive to others right? But, I feel really, really blessed to have friends I’ve met through the blogosphere who encourage, support and validate me like you do.
Among my myriad other stuff going on, I also have bipolar disorder. Shopping sprees are one of my manic pitfalls as well. I found a couple of things that helped. First was making sure that all of my bills were put on automatic withdrawal from my checking account. That makes sure that they get paid!
But the other part… I’m getting better. It helps that I have a kickin’ consignment/thrift store nearby. I can go buy clothes there (I have to wear silk, linen or very soft clothing due to fibro) and I have found that I can pick up some great stuff. I just have to watch how much I spend there. But I can spend less than at other stores and get more which makes me feel better. You understand. 
You and I would get in SO much trouble together if we lived close by to each other, Kat ; ) I like your idea of having the automatic withdrawal because that would also help out my completely scattered ADHD brain…And I wish we had a good second hand store close by, I love digging through old treasures. And it’s so much more fun when friends can do it together. I’d love to hear what treasures you’ve found.
Dear Wendy, thank you for such an open and honest post. It was very moving and so beautifully written. Thank you for sharing your heart and your feelings. I have heard much about Brene Brown and how her books have helped many. She has a website, too, which I’m sure you’re probably aware. Ah money, money, money. I think we have all been there – in many different ways. This I know from personal experience – one can feel shameful for a variety of reasons. But it’s important to know self-worth, be practical and to have fun, too. Stay strong and know that you have friends who love you for who you are. Theresa
What an excellent, thoughtful post! I wish you well in your continued journey with bi-polar. It has helped me to think of money as just another form of energy: important, but not, dominant. Just another energy source to store and let flow as needed.
Thank you for your well wishes, I soak them all up like manna. And money is another energy, absolutely, it’s completely alchemical. In fact, I just learned about the Goddess aspect of money which is fascinating and I’ll post about it.
My great aunt had bipolar disorder and during her manic periods she would shop like crazy. She was, fortunately, able to afford it but when she would come out of it she would be so disgusted with herself and the “crap” she bought. She’d give away everything she’d just bought.
I’m not bipolar, but I do go on spending sprees now and then and spend gobs of money on stuff we could live without and then I hate myself afterward. And we have declared bankruptcy in the past. I console myself that at least we filed Chapter 13 and paid back all our debt.
I think we ALL struggle with money and spending, Stacy. Those of us who have mood disorders just seem to do it with a bit too much gusto ; ) It’s a good thing you and I don’t live close to each other on one hand, because I know we’d get in so much trouble together. I really admire and respect that you and your family have come back from bankruptcy and paid back your debt. That says a lot about who you are and your integrity with God. And you and I both have talked about how loving and supportive God is no matter how we know him/her. Good for you…Remember “progress not perfection” something I need to keep reminding myself.
I hope this doesn’t offend you but my half sister was very recently diagnosed with Bipolar and one of the biggest impressions I got when I saw her a few weeks ago is how much the experience had humbled her. I wonder then if humility is the result of a person experiencing shame (whether it is justified or not), because if it is you can almost call it a “hidden blessing”. One of the best things about you is your humility and compassion towards other people.
I’m nearly 30 and I have battled an eating disorder since I was 7. I also have a massive problem with money. We never had any when I was growing up, so when I finally got money of my own I just had no control. I now have credit card debt in THREE, yes THREE countries. Talk about shoot-yourself-type of shame. But I am happy to say that I am paying it off. I guess this is the curse of the mood disorder. I think the best thing I can do for myself in the future is hand my money over to someone who can handle it better than me.
I wish I could offer you advice but all I can really do is offer you my own experiences to say that you are not alone. As it is you already have 100 times the wisdom I do. You will find the answer, just have patience and keep on trying.
Stephi,
with your loving heart, you could never, ever offend me! You turned something I try to hide and fight into something beautiful in it’s own twisted way by saying that “humility and compassion” is the light in the shadow. Also, you sharing your soul so bravely with me and others is just inspiring and a true gift, Stephi. Empathy and compassion are always more valuable than advice, esp. with those of us who have mood disorders. Thank you for your gift to me.
Thanks for sharing this it has given me a new view of shame, I never thought about it enough to define it and knowing it is a judgement of self not ones actions is an important distinction. I have shame about having bipolar and having awareness of the root cause of that is important.
I always think about cause and effect though and wonder if the bi-polar causes the shame or if a more fundamental belief that I am not good enough causes me to search out a concrete cause such as bipolar, n a way that t s a self-fulfilling prophecy because there will always be something I can find to be ashamed about.
Anyway thanks for sharing, I will check out the book and wanted to suggest a book to you “Women Food and God” I have not read it but have heard good things about it and it seems to talk to the experiences you relate here.