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“You see me here, you gods, a poor old man, As full of grief as age; wretched in both!” – William Shakespeare, King Lear, 2.4.274
There’s no way to go around it, but my father’s ashamed of me. He’s ashamed his daughter has a mental health issue and out of that comes she’s not working, she needs him for financial help and she’s “wasting her talents on not writing.” I just got back from lunch with my family (my son, my stepmom, one of my brothers and my nephew) and I wish I hadn’t gone, but it’s almost like I wanted to prove to myself, how mature I was to not care what he thought of me. I knew that going to this lunch would be difficult because I haven’t learned how to cast off the cloak of shame yet that I feel whenever I’m around him. And lately his indifference for me has grown more and more.
“The weight of this sad time we must obey; Speak what we feel, not what we ought to say. The oldest hath borne most: we that are young Shall never see so much, nor live so long.” – William Shakespeare, King Lear, 5.3.325
It wasn’t always like this. When I was younger he would tell the therapists I would go to that I was his favorite and I wore his favoritism like a crown. He saw the world through my eyes and now he looks away and tries to find politically correct conversations to have with me. He’s in no way a bad man and I know he loves me, but the distance between us is just SO painful. We can’t talk about our money issues and how ashamed I feel in needing to ask him for help and his anger and disappointment in me that I’m not leading a successful life.
“Pray you now, forget and forgive.” – William Shakespeare, King Lear, 4.7.99
My son is my father’s and stepmother’s golden child, really he should have been their child and not mine. He’s a straight “A” student who’s getting his masters degree in psychology after being sober now for five years from a heroin addiction and he walks the walk and talks the talk. Why am I still so attached to my father’s approval of me? When will I ever learn that I’ll never be who he dreamed I’d be and what I represent to him and be o.k. with that?
“Love is not love When it is mingled with regards that stand Aloof from the entire point.” – William Shakespeare, King Lear, 1.1.241
Why can’t I just accept things as they are and know that I just don’t fit into my family no matter how hard I try. I try continually to separate myself emotionally and physically from them and each time I see them, I feel a set back in my emotional and spiritual health. I take an anti-anxiety medication after I see them to dull my senses. If I abused recreational drugs, you can bet, I’d be using them now.
I know I probably sound pretty pitiful and like I feel sorry for myself, but I knew if I didn’t blog I’d take all this poison inside of myself and get sicker. I AM responsible for my own well-being, I know that, I just can’t let go of how painful it is that I’m a disappointment to my father and probably always will be.
“Close pent-up guilts, Rive your concealing continents, and cry These dreadful summoners grace. I am a man More sinned against than sinning.” – William Shakespeare, King Lear, 3.2.57
© 2012, Wendy S.. All rights reserved.
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I am so sorry you have this problem. I have a similar problem only the other parent. Feel free to scroll down my blog to the untitled post and you will see what I mean. I am here if you want to talk.
I am so sorry to hear that you must endure this very “unsupportive” behavior from your own family member. My father is, and always has been, my biggest supporter no matter what ~ whether he agreed with my sometimes rather “unconventional” choices or not and I can’t even imagine how hurt you must feel. When I told my family that I was Wiccan, my Christian mother was so upset with me that she threatened to not make an appreance at my wedding (Handfasting) because it wasn’t going to be set in a “church.” My father is the one who managed to talk some sense into her by telling her that if she didn’t go, she would regret it for the rest of her life and it would be too late to change what she had done later on. Ergo, she went.
If you would like to talk, I am here for you ~
Blessings,
Kim
It’s easy to come to terms with people and our relationships with them when we are not up close and personal with them – but a whole different thing when we inevitably have to be around them. That’s the acid test, I’m afraid – and most of us fail – at least at first. I think this takes time.
I know that a lot of people seem to really need acceptance from the people who deserve it the least. You are not alone. My daughter also seems to need acceptance from her father, simply because he won’t give it to her, yet she doesn’t really give me much notice – I’m not challenge, you see. I have always accepted her as she is.
I think we all need to be comfortable and happy with ourselves, and as long as that comfort is reliant on other’s opinions, we never will be. It’s easy for me to make that statement but it is really hard to accept, I know. . But – well, that’s the incredible truth. I truly hope you find peace with this soon.
Hugs to you today, Wendy.
So sorry you are going through this painful time.I do know how you feel.I have had similar situations with my family.Hold your head up.You are loved. Hugs! OOO
I think we all, in some way or another, want our parents to be proud of and accept us for who we are. It seems to be a sort of reflex that occurs even when we know the parent(s) don’t deserve so much of our time and precious emotional energy. I wish I had some solid advice to help ease your heart and mind, but alas, the best I can do is offer you some love from across the country. May you find peace, dear. *hug*
Wendy-
First and foremost, issues of acceptance, disappointment, family relationships, and money are as old as time and you are not alone in what you are going through. I am just very relieved that you have the strength and courage to communicate about it in such an open way. Your blog is a tremendous vehicle for you and you have an enormous base of love, support, and compassion surrounding you from those of us that follow you.
No one on this earth is free of problems and I would rather someone have the honesty to admit it, than pretend all is well. That is not healthy and when you are in an emotionally fragile state, that can only makes things worse. I have always found with you, that you possess both a great strength and vulnerability at the same time. I find myself thinking of you at random points of the day and just want you to know you are important and you are connected.
Believe it or not, my Dad up and walked out on my brother and I about 12 years ago. He just checked out of life and decided that we were not worth the effort and he vanished without a trace. We honestly do not know if he is dead or alive. While I could carry an enormous amount of hurt and bitterness over this, I have chosen to move on with my life and it truly is his loss. We did nothing to warrant this behavior and that he chose this path is not something I can control. I just find it sad…
We can only wake up each day and try to be the best person we can be. Your dad cannot be the yardstick of the success or failures in your life and I truly hope you will not let this completely define who you are.
*hug*
I applaud your putting voice to your situation, but you know that. Let it out and let it go is healthy technique. “let it move through you not dwell within you” is how I have to give and take with the universe these days.
I do know how it feels to have a parent who acts and voices a negative attitude. My Mom was like that and yet just a few days before she died, she told everyone who would listen, except me, that I was her joy. ?????????????? What a bloody waste of time. She never told me. Errrrrrr.
Yesterday at my chiropractor who is fabulous and when you get here, I would like to introduce you to his practice. They are so wonderful with massage and other therapies. He and his wife are going to a seminar on Compasionate Depossession. For me, I am looking forward to being involved in this. Could be a way for me to not feel so broken. Great option, and maybe for you as well. All my good thoughts and wishes dear one. Oma Linda
I’m late in getting to this, but you know I understand completely. My mom lets me know every time I see her that neither I nor my husband or my children live up to her expectations. We are all huge disappointments. If only everyone were as perfect as her.
All I can say is that even though it hurts (and probably always will…a parent is supposed to LOVE you for crying out loud) we will survive. We’re stronger than they think we are.