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I am SO sick of medications for all my crazy, messed up mood disorders and yet I know if don’t take any, I’ll be either suicidal or crazy (wait aren’t they the same thing?), sigh…Yesterday, I went to see my psychiatrist about yet another adjustment for my meds. I’m pretty stable with my anxiety, bipolar disorder, and insomina medications, BUT, for my ADHD, it’s a constant balancing act. I’ve been on over 40 different medications in the last six months, I kid you not. As of today, I’m taking five different medications, which is a lot better than when I was taking eight at the same time a few months ago.
A lot of people, don’t believe that there’s a real “Attention Deficit Disorder” and think it’s either made up by a person or the society or that it’s just a matter of organization to make it go away. I wish!!! One of the main reasons, I get so depressed, is because my mind is going 100 miles per minute, I’m all over the place just trying to stay balanced on a tight wire, and I’m constantly forgetting how to just slow down and breathe. Help!
Everyone to some point has “Attention Deficit Disorder” symptoms, but that’s a lot different than actually having the clinical diagnosis of ADHD. I’m on two different medications for my ADHD, which I have to alternate every ten days because I quickly build up a tolerance for them. Let me tell you how much fun that is!
The week that I’m transitioning, I swear I feel like I’m turning into a werewolf. My whole body hurts and is clenching with pain, my mind is so fogged out and unclear that I can just lie there and wait for brief moments of clarity, and forget doing any regular routines that require attention or thoroughness, getting up to take a shower and brush my teeth is an accomplishment for me on those days. The only thing that helps me to keep stable during the transitions are my cats. I never forget to feed them, snuggle with them, play with them, etc…They are what keeps me grounded.
As I was saying, (see how all over the place I am?) I went to see my psychiatrist to talk about the horrible transitions for my ADHD medications and what I could do about it. He always comes up with amazing suggestions and never makes me feel inept or resistant. He suggested I try taking a medication called, “Strattera“, which he said works well for 65% of people who have ADHD. If Strattera worked for me, than I wouldn’t have to go back and forth between the two other medications I’m taking for ADHD (Vyvanse and Adderall).
There’s a starter pack for “Strattera” and you have to build up slowly over a month’s time. Whenever I take a new med. or am altering a dosage, I have absolutely miserable transitions. It’s not like I need to worry about just one medication side-effect, I have to deal with how all my medications interact with each other. Every day is a different struggle. Some days I’m at a functioning level of 8 on a scale of 1 to 10 with one being the lowest of low and ten, therefore feeling high functioning and fantastic, but lately I’ve been having about “4-5″ type of days.
I took the first “Strattera” pill yesterday and I don’t know how I got through the day, except for the grace of the gods. Emotionally, I was knocked out. Physically though, I felt worse. One of the common side-effects of some of the medications I take is dry eyes. And I’m not talking about where just one of two drops of an eye ointment will ease the problem. I use over five bottles of eye drops over a week.
I have to use a homeopathic remedy because my eyes are extremely sensitive and chemicals make my eyes burn like there’s sandpaper being rubbed over them. My Dr. warned me that Strattera is known for “dry mouth” which should have clued me in, but I didn’t think about dry eyes. I had to take my sleeping medications really early in the night (I have insomnia if I don’t take meds.) just to get some relief for my eyes and exhaustion.
I hate sounding like I’m whining or complaining, just sometimes I need to vent. I debated back and forth if I wanted to post about my meds. and mood disorders here, because I don’t want the main feeling of this blog to be all about that area. I’m STILL caught in the details of setting up my Mood Disorder blog which is where I want to focus on all the “darker stuff.” It’s all to much sometimes, you know what I mean? I have to wait until Monday to talk to my Dr. about “Strattera” and I’m definitely not taking it again. Back to the proverbial drawing board.
I know I owe a lot of you emails, replying to comments, visiting your blogs and I wish I was more on top of my game here to do that. I don’t feel obligated to do any of the above, I love visiting all of you and connecting with you. So, please forgive me if you don’t see or hear for me for a few days, until I feel more balanced.
My friend, Christine from “Hope Despite Depression” writes so eloquently and clearly about the whole medication battle which plagues some of us. So, whether you’re taking meds. for mood disorders or other physical problems, my heart is with you. Know that you’re not alone.
And to learn more about “Fukitol” here’s Robin Williams talking about it. My son send this to me and when life really sucks I love to watch it so I can laugh about the craziness of it all. 
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSJ8tvdM-FM&playnext=1&list=PL3C365B9722AECFA4&index=36[/youtube]
© 2011, Wendy S.. All rights reserved.
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I went through all of this with my son since age 3, when they first started him om ritalin 5mg once a day, and it kept increasing. The professionals were all so “impressed” with his level of hyperactivity and distractability and impulsivity that they say the books could have been written about him. Over the years he was also DXed with …first conduct disorder (which is the childhood term for a sociopath) then they changed that to Bi-polar, then it was NO, he never hits the lows, so he is always manic…therefore is a “mood disorder” and then after seeing a few other professionals and based mostly on his behavior when it came to following rules especially at school…of ODD.
so he was on and off so many meds in middle school especially it drove me crazy and broke my heart. They finally had a good working combo of Depakote, Stratterra and something else, can’t remember what…anyway after months of him cheeking them or tonguing them, and then hiding them in the couch or inside books etc. we all agreed to stop…he was mid-way through 10th grade. He adamantly did not want to be on any meds, and we decided ok, since we were just wasting our $$ anyway. Amanda was on concerta, which worked great for her, but half-way through 11th grade, she said she didn’t want to take anything either.
They tried concerta on me, but it raised my BP. (BTW the strattera made Tom sick for the first 2 weeks…he didn’t always eat breakfast)
I am on an anti-anxiety (generic Klonopin) and an anti-depressant (generic for celexa)…she actually wanted to give me one of the newer meds but I asked for a generic. But she won’t give me anything for the ADHD, as she says I am on a lot of meds already. (I am–nerve pain meds, pain meds, anti-inflammatory, blood presure, a med for my IBS, a med for my reflux, iron, b12, calcium, vit D, mucinex and OTC (behind the counter) sudafed and OTC Bentdryl, singulair, and then there are the inhalers–nasal and lung)
She says since I am not going to college, or working I can deal with the ADHD, especially since I functioned most of my life on nothing for it.
I totally relate, and I love the sign at the beginning of your post! I’ll be back to watch the video, but I think I remember it. Robin williams…is the grown up version of my son. (The peditricians used to tell us, Tom would grow up to be him, or end up in jail…nice huh?)
Many gentle hugs for you my friend, hang in there!
Sue
Susan G recently posted..bunch of cards for Bugaboos first Birthday III
I remember when Alex was little before I was dx. with anything, him having to go through a barrage of meds. too, like Tom. I think as a parent, it’s so scary to see our children trying this and that etc…And then having them being dx. with all these scary “labels” is even worse. That’s really all they are is labels because the only reason Dr.’s use terms like “sociopath” etc..are for insurance. They forget to “treat the person” instead. You and I have talked a lot about our own battles with meds. sigh…I do know that there are meds. that can be used for depression AND ADHD. I think that’s b.s. being told about not needing anything for ADHD esp. as it’s been proven that a lot of depression comes from having ADHD and the inability to focus etc…But if you trust your Dr. than it might be something to bring up to see if you can find a med. that is used for both depression and ADHD. I’m so sorry that you also have to deal with not only emotional med.’s but also a lot of physical one’s too. Big hugs back to you.
~this is your space…your life…and your friends reading here…never fear or worry about sharing…i have learned when we open such door it is only amazing support and unconditional love that comes back…as it should be…when you allow us in we are able to get yet another glimpse of you and your life making you more real…
though i do not personally take medications for what you are going through…my mother and sister do…it is close at hand and heart and the constant struggle of finding the one that will work and hopefully remain is and can be so trying and then as you said to add the horrific side effects that one must endure when taking this medications to simply feel and function better is just a terrible swap…i am so sorry you have to go through such and send forth many wishes that there will be one that helps you attain the balance and peace you need and deserve…
always our door is open…our hearts ready…to share in your days…be well my friend…much love light and blessings~
Thank you Faerwillow, you’re like a faery of love and light sprinkling me with sweetness and goodness. And I am getting more stablized, it’s still just trying to find the balance.
If you can’t vent on your blog, where can you?? I don’t take any medications myself, unless you count the herbal concoctions I make to keep the menopause crazy at bay, but I do have friends and family members who do. My observations – seems like one med leads to another and the side effects are often as debilitating as the disease. Sometimes that makes me wonder (I am from back in the day when we we didn’t trust “the man.”)
All that aside, I truly hope that you find something soon that helps make your life easier. You deserve to be happy. Sending you many blessings and keeping you in my thoughts.
Aine recently posted..Totally Ready for Imbolc
I often think too, that the “cure is worse than the illness” too Aine and do worry about the long term effects as well. I’d be in denial if I was to think any differently. I also take holistic/natural supplements which I do think help esp. a fish oil one. And I’m pre-menopausal so I’m already experiencing the hot flashes, etc…and I’ve found borage helps a lot. Thanks for your blessings.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Just hang i n there and this will pass. I was telling our mutual friend, Christine how I hate what these meds to do us- in order to keep us alive they have to take away so much from actual living. Right now I am being weened off Amitriptyline so my p. doc can increase my other antidepressant- it is absolute hell!…..my poor family.
My sister is ADHD and not on any medication. I don’t know how she does it. Everytime she comes home I see how she battles and it’s not pretty. My heart goes out to you.
I did send you an e-mail giving you my number, don’t worry about replying or reading my blog. Just rest and get better.
Much love to you my friend, I will be keeping you close to heart this week. x
I haven’t received your email with your # yet Stephi, but maybe it’s under there with all the others ; ) I know you deal with a lot of physical maladies and also struggle along with me and Christine. I know under all this craziness there are “strengths” in having mood disorders and ADHD, like creativity, etc…It’s just a battle in remembering that. You’ve shown such incredible strength yourself. Thank you for sharing your struggles with such courage and honesty, it makes me feel, well, hopeful : )
Ugh, sounds awful. My Mom had dry eyes/dry mouth side effects from some medication and it was a real pain. But yours sounds much more extreme. I hope you find relief and the right balance of medications soon!
Debra She Who Seeks recently posted..Im so far behind!
Thank you as always Debra for your blessings. How did your mother deal with the dry eyes and mouth? Was she constantly taking eye drops? I heard there’s some eye drops out there only by prescription for chronic dry eye, but it’s like “another px. to be on. really?” At least I smile when I visit other blogs, like I do when I visit yours.
Of all the medications I’ve ever been on Fukitol is by far my favorite.
I’ve been recently diagnosed with Cyclothymia and added Lamictal to my Klonopin. It’s better, and I’ve come to accept that nothing will ever make me 100% comfortable.
I’m so happy to have found your blog, thanks for listing me on your Bewtiching Blogs Page.
Ahhh, another “fukitol” follower, lol…Cyclothymia I’ve heard is almost harder to treat than bipolar disorder but not impossible. How have you been handling the emotional and intellectual fact that you’ve been dx. with it? Has it brought any relief or does it make you anxious or both. I know when I was first dx. with all my mood disorders it was a mixed bag. I take Lamictal as well for mood stabilization and it’s one of the only one’s that doesn’t make me sick to the point of even more craziness ; ) And I know that Klonopin helps a lot of people with anxiety etc…I think I used to take that. I don’t know if it’s because I’m getting older and not remembering as well what I’ve been on or what, but maybe it’s just as well.
And I’m so glad I found your blog as well, you crack me up when I most need it, in the good sense that is ; )
I was originally diagnosed about 5 or 6 years ago but basically gave the shrink the finger. Since then I’ve realized that my moods are destructive not only to myself but to the people I love. When I went to a different shrink…one who I TRUST 100%, and she gave me the diagnosis I actually felt relieved. I felt like it wasn’t a character flaw and I stopped beating myself up which has in turn helped me when I do cycle. The cycles are much shorter and less intense for now. I just take it day by day (sometimes hour by hour). My rage has decreased IMMENSELY and for that I am most greatful.
I hope you can find a good balance and peace amongst the chaos. I prayed to the Goddess for a Shrink that I could trust to help me. Perhaps you could do some magic?
Dark Mother recently posted..Me Stylish Surely You Jest!
I think it’s really difficult for those of us who have mood disorders, etc…to find out that we’re clinically depressed or whatever lucky stars we were born under to accept a life-long condition. I know that some people get depressed but they may not be clinically depressed and will be sensitive to depression for the rest of their lives. YOU know what I mean. And it makes all the difference in the world who tells us and is there for us when we find out our dx. Unfortunately, so many people have this stigma about mood disorders and it’s mainly from our families and the society at large. Slowly, but surely, I think we’re beginning to make a small dent about everything.
I’m so glad you didn’t give up on your pain and disorder and found a therapist who’s there for you, which is what I also have. And as I blogged, I also finally found a psychiatrist who knows what the hell he’s talking about after years bumbling around with quacks ; ) I think it’s always going to be a challenge to find a balance among the chaos, but it’s not hopeless. One day at a time, right? And I really like your idea of magick. On my blog that I’ll be opening soon, I think I’m going to address that very issue. Thank you for the great idea!
Darling girl. I just hate the rollercoaster you are on. Medication is so hard to balance and get the right dosage, med, combo whatthehellever. We go through this all the time with RyLeigh. We still don’t have a clinical diagnosis for him. He is only 6 but they have been messing with him and his meds for 3 years. It is suspected that he is ADHD, high functioning Asperger’s, manic. So he is on concerta, risperdone and adderol. He has to take pills 5 times a day. And last week he took his nighttimes instead of his morning pills…..he had a great day at school and the teacher sent home a note saying he was very cooperative…….yeah, he should have been asleep. I struggle with the meds for him because I hate, hate, hate what my meds do to me. And he really can’t tell us how he feels.
He had eye surgery this last fall and I know he must have been in pain but he couldn’t tell us in words, just actions.
So when I say that it pains me to read of your hurting……………I “first hand” mean it.
The Olde Bagg, Linda
Oh my heart goes out to you and Ryleigh, Linda. I know how painful it is to see a little one on meds. and not diagnosed properly. They can’t tell Dr.’s what goes on and how they suffer as much as adults. Taking 5 pills for being so young is very hard, but the upside is, that he has loving family members who are aware of his problems. Bless his little heart. He’s blessed to have someone like you who loves him so much. And there are good days and bad days for us all, and reading comments like yours and being friends with someone like you, definitely brightens up my day. Thank you, Linda for being such a good friend.
So sorry to hear that the meds are causing you a bit of unbalance. Don’t worry about visits or emails (although I do owe YOU one)…we will all be here waiting for you when you feel like yourself. Take care and know that we are thinking of you.
xoxo Theresa
Theresa recently posted..Dreaming of Spring
Theresa you are always so understanding and supportive, thank you. And no you don’t “owe” me anything. I hate to think of people “owing” another person an email etc..Life is a challenge enough, yes? We’ll talk when life settles down for both of us. I know how sick you’ve been and dealing with work, AND preparing for the “One World…” event. Thank you as always for your kindness and understanding. Hugs back to you.
As far as your comment on my post, it took about 4 1/2 yrs. for that cloud of grief to rise…Special dates/holidays bring it back..No, no boohoo, just a sad spot…if u know what I mean.. Cuz my life would be different had he not been taken…and I would be enjoying my brother more so, since he planned to retire when he was 50… ( bro was killed 1 1/2 yr. after hubby. Bro was CHP)
chrissy recently posted..BE YOUR OWN
You’ve had so much loss, Chrissy, I’m really sorry. Losing a brother and a spouse is devastating I’m sure. They say, “time heals all,” but I don’t believe it. I think time lessens pain as you seem to be saying, but it’s not like those of us who have lost a loved one, to be completely over anything. What’s helped you most in this whole process? My mother has been the only one I’ve loved who’s dead and I’ll be fine one day, even on the days I think I’ll be sad, then I’ll smell a scent I associate with her, or hear a song, etc..Does that happen for you? I know it’s important we honor not only our loved ones, but our own grieving process as well and top find a support group who is there for us.
I will tell u that for the first month or so, my husband’s scent was in our bedroom.. and it was June, when I had the windows open everyday… Then after a month, it disappeared.. Others have told me it was his spirit hanging around to see if things were ok… Another incident was when I was going thru his sock drawer cuz I remember the night before he was killed he had put his wedding ring in there… Well, I couldn’;t find it… A month later, (the wedding ring was still gone) but he wore other rings and THEY WERE THERE!!… I did not see those rings prior and believe me I went thru that drawer…
A close friend thought she saw him in a similar car and it scared her and she had to stop by the side of the road… Another friend told me they could feel his spirit, he said the feeling made him feel uneasy like my husband was confused …
I do not think that my two friends or I were trying to hold onto lost hope, I truly believe they felt/saw what they did.. I know definitely my husband’s scent was in the room…
chrissy recently posted..WORDLESS WEDNESDAY
I agree with you Chrissy that your beloved was trying to connect with you. It’s confusing for a soul at first, if they don’t understand that they’ve passed over. But when they do, there’s a feeling of peace for everyone, alive and those who’ve passed. Your story reminds me of the movie “Ghost” with such powerful love and beauty. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. I’ve always been interested in those who feel their loved ones when they’ve passed and if people don’t mind, I ask them about their experiences. Who knows, maybe I’ll someday write a book about what I’ve heard.
Ah Wendy girl… you have so much stamina sometimes it truly amazes me…. Not sure that I could deal with such a frenzy. you share your world so well with all of us and help us to realize so much… For that I am thankful.. You truly have helped me to grow in more ways than I am sure you will ever know…
blessings dear…
mother moon recently posted..My New Houseguest
Thank you Mother Moon for your love and expressing how I’ve helped you to grow. I think we’ve learned and been blessed by each other in many ways. It’s funny I can always feel your beautiful light and warmth when I think of you like the Moon herself. Btw, I went to Starbucks the other day and had a yummy caramel latte thanks to you. Thank you so much for who you are and all the gifts you’ve shared with me, externally and internally.
Ah, hun. I’m not sure how you manage to persevere and manage to keep your chin up through so much muck but it inspires me. I’m on two medications for physical ailments for the long haul, possibly the rest of my life and from time to time I get bummed out about it from time to time. Thanks for being so open about your trials and tribulations, there’s certainly a lightening of the load in knowing I have friends who are right here on the crazy medical journey with me.
D.Suplicki recently posted..Nightmare – The Sketchbook Project
I remember reading about your eye condition when I first was getting to know you and how bravely you talked about it. I am so grateful that while I may suffer emotionally, I”m not in physical pain. I have so many friends who are on meds. for various reasons and either way you look at it, it sucks. And I’ve found how healing it is to talk and share with others, who can really get us and be there for us, whether that’s on the internet or our day to day lives. Thank YOU for being so open and loving with all that you give. Sending you many blessings for healing. Dark Mother suggested some way to heal with magick and I thought what a great idea. Any ideas? I’d love to hear your thoughts.