So, Monday I’m leaving for the Land of Enchantment (New Mexico) to scout out the city, Albuquerque I’ll be living at within the year. I’ve been really excited since the Fall of last year where I told my family that if I’m going to have to move, than to New Mexico it is. I’ll be bringing my computer with me, so I can keep in by visiting your blogs and yes, I’m sure writing a blog post will be really therapeutic for me as well.
Naturally my father was furious with me, because, well, he’s just angry that he has to help me out financially for a while and loves to show his bitterness and resentment. I’m not trying to sound like “poor little me” because I know how incredibly fortunate I am that I’m getting financial help from him, but it comes at a terrible cost.
I keep thanking he and Linda (my stepmom) for all they’re doing and how they’re helping me, but for some reason that only seems to make him, (not Linda) angrier.
You can read some of my past posts to know how tortured my relationship with my father is and until I get my feet a little more solidly in N.M. I’m going to be needing his help. He wants me out of my house as soon as possible because both my house and myself are a money drain, and that was a direct quote to both my psychiatrist and my therapist where he proceeded also to use “but she has so much going for her, why this, why that and she’s such a disappointment and she let all of her intelligence go to waste because she’s not using her Masters Degree and on and on…”
Even my therapist told me after the session she had with him, ‘he gives with one hand and takes with TWO hands’, and she’s not into self-pity or feeling sorry for me, but she said I’m in a very tenuous and between a rock and a hard spot with him and is doing everything she can to just keep me stable.
It’s been tearing me up each time I have any contact from him and fortunately my stepmother who is a lot more calm and patient has been the mediator between us. She’s really my ally but can’t tell my father directly what a miserable cur he’s being. So, she’s tactful and supportive of me as much as she can be and I thank the gods for her.
The latest blow came last night when my father announced that since I’ll be needing his help for a while when I move to N.M. that I’m going to have to sell my car and use public transportation because car insurance is just too expensive and everything is costing him too much as it is. Let me tell you, while my father is NOT a millionaire he’s not suffering financially in any sense of the word! I went into full panic mode and still am reeling with anxiety.
I don’t have a problem riding buses, but in a new city with my cats? Huh? And he said it with such anger and bitterness, that I’m still reeling from his latest announcement. See, this is the kind of shit I’m dealing with.
I’ve been in such a funk and depressed cycle that’s really doing a number with my Bipolar Disorder cycles and now I dread going to N.M. because I don’t know what to expect next from my father.
Dealing with a passive aggressive person is like playing in land mines because just when you think you’ve safely averted them, one blows up in your face and the damage is lasting. I don’t mean to sound or make less of real landmines and their victims in real life, it’s just a metaphor that comes to my mind about my father and dealing with him.
My therapist met with my parents and I don’t know the full conversation but I absolutely trust her and know that what she had to say was nothing but beneficial to me. Apparently though, my father just wanted to use the stage to say once more how disappointed he was with me and how angry he is.
I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t which of course makes me want to be as independent I can be from my parents, I’m trying, I’m really trying to be in every sense of the word. I‘ve been so sick these last few years with mood swings, no stability, and a lack of medications that was consistently beneficial. Now, I’m on the right meds. I feel and the rest of the work is up to me.
I know this is a LONG post but I just am ready to explode with anxiety and anger and thought maybe some of you might be dealing or have dealt with passive aggressive anger from others and how you dealt with it, so any advice or just a word of kindness will be appreciated.
I really am hoping my mood will cheer up because I’ve been so excited to visit Albuquerque and now I dread it because when I get back, everything is going to go so quickly and my father will show no mercy.
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