And the hits just keep on coming…

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So, Monday I’m leaving for the Land of Enchantment (New Mexico) to scout out the city, Albuquerque I’ll be living at within the year. I’ve been really excited since the Fall of last year where I told my family that if I’m going to have to move, than to New Mexico it is. I’ll be bringing my computer with me, so I can keep in by visiting your blogs and yes, I’m sure writing a blog post will be really therapeutic for me as well.

Naturally my father was furious with me, because, well, he’s just angry that he has to help me out financially for a while and loves to show his bitterness and resentment. I’m not trying to sound like “poor little me” because I know how incredibly fortunate I am that I’m getting financial help from him, but it comes at a terrible cost.

I keep thanking he and Linda (my stepmom) for all they’re doing and how they’re helping me, but for some reason that only seems to make him, (not Linda) angrier.

You can read some of my past posts to know how tortured my relationship with my father is and until I get my feet a little more solidly in N.M. I’m going to be needing his help. He wants me out of my house as soon as possible because both my house and myself are a money drain, and that was a direct quote to both my psychiatrist and my therapist where he proceeded also to use “but she has so much going for her, why this, why that and she’s such a disappointment and she let all of her intelligence go to waste because she’s not using her Masters Degree and on and on…”

Even my therapist told me after the session she had with him, ‘he gives with one hand and takes with TWO hands’, and she’s not into self-pity or feeling sorry for me, but she said I’m in a very tenuous and between a rock and a hard spot with him and is doing everything she can to just keep me stable.

It’s been tearing me up each time I have any contact from him and fortunately my stepmother who is a lot more calm and patient has been the mediator between us. She’s really my ally but can’t tell my father directly what a miserable cur he’s being. So, she’s tactful and supportive of me as much as she can be and I thank the gods for her.

The latest blow came last night when my father announced that since I’ll be needing his help for a while when I move to N.M. that I’m going to have to sell my car and use public transportation because car insurance is just too expensive and everything is costing him too much as it is. Let me tell you, while my father is NOT a millionaire he’s not suffering financially in any sense of the word! I went into full panic mode and still am reeling with anxiety.

I don’t have a problem riding buses, but in a new city with my cats? Huh? And he said it with such anger and bitterness, that I’m still reeling from his latest announcement. See, this is the kind of shit I’m dealing with.

I’ve been in such a funk and depressed cycle that’s really doing a number with my Bipolar Disorder cycles and now I dread going to N.M. because I don’t know what to expect next from my father.

Dealing with a passive aggressive person is like playing in land mines because just when you think you’ve safely averted them, one blows up in your face and the damage is lasting. I don’t mean to sound or make less of real landmines and their victims in real life, it’s just a metaphor that comes to my mind about my father and dealing with him.

My therapist met with my parents and I don’t know the full conversation but I absolutely trust her and know that what she had to say was nothing but beneficial to me. Apparently though, my father just wanted to use the stage to say once more how disappointed he was with me and how angry he is.

I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t which of course makes me want to be as independent I can be from my parents, I’m trying, I’m really trying to be in every sense of the word. I‘ve been so sick these last few years with mood swings, no stability, and a lack of medications that was consistently beneficial. Now, I’m on the right meds. I feel and the rest of the work is up to me.

I know this is a LONG post but I just am ready to explode with anxiety and anger and thought maybe some of you might be dealing or have dealt with passive aggressive anger from others and how you dealt with it, so any advice or just a word of kindness will be appreciated.

I really am hoping my mood will cheer up because I’ve been so excited to visit Albuquerque and now I dread it because when I get back, everything is going to go so quickly and my father will show no mercy.

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Let’s get physical!?

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Untitled Picture 1 original Lets get physical!? I was one of those girls who hated exercising with a passion. In high school, I’d be the girl looking like Wednesday Addams in a P.E. uniform waking around our high school track cursing the whole way especially at shiny happy people who actually smiled as they ran on by looking perfect. You couldn’t get me to run with a passion. And forget team sports, I was the proverbial one who was picked last for a sports team and I still get anxious whenever any type of people selecting is going on.

True I loved reading books, but I wasn’t a slouch when it came to body surfing in the ocean. I just pretended I was a mermaid and this was wayyyyyy before Disney decided to neuter Hans Christian Andersen’sThe Little Mermaid” fairy tale, so Ariel (of Disney fame) was not my role model. I just loved nature more than I did sweating running around a track or lifting weights. So, what’s changed? Not a lot.

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I love Yoga although you could never tell with the way I’ve been in a lazy slump for the past year or so. But today, I’m going to start working out with a legit personal trainer as a “gift” from my parents. Really, I am grateful and extremely happy that I get to be trained by someone who will motivate me when I want nothing more than to go back to a good book and forget “getting physical.”

For those of you who lived through the Jane Fonda craze of exercising and all the ballyhoo that went with it, than perhaps you’ll empathize. I hated exercising then and nothing has changed. So, why am I really starting this reign of terror? Because I want to be strong enough to start rock climbing again and get out of this slump where I’ve been ignoring my body’s needs for so long that I’m starting to turn into a big fat marshmallow.

Cruel words, I know but that’s how I feel. I’m not even dreading this new way of working out, which will consist of you get it, walking and then eventually running around a local parks track and lifting weights. It’s more that I feel I’ve betrayed my body because living in the internal world is so much easier for me.

I’m not saying I’ll be running any marathons soon or getting back up in high places to rock climb. I know that the only way of real change is taking baby steps and going slow. But this IS part of my 2012 New Year’s resolution…not the typical, “I want to lose weight” “I want to get fit” which are excellent resolutions by the way, they’re just not one’s that I relate to because they’re too much of a slippery ambiguous slope for me to take seriously.

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Instead my resolution was to fully inhabit my body and love it. And the Universe hears our prayers or petitions and will answer it, we just have to show up and do the work if we are ready and willing for lasting change to occur.

So today’s my first day at the park with Uber-Goddess, Dani who will be making my body sweat and challenge all those old voices inside of me that resists exercising to make a lasting difference in the way I live and walk this path.

Dani and I definitely would not have hung out in my high school together much less know have even known of each others existence, but that’s part of my maturation process as well. To seek out individuals who weren’t part of my punk rock raggle taggle tribe way back when (I know when dinosaurs existed) and learn new ways of being, new ways of moving though the world.

Artemis,  the wild goddess of the hunt and women is calling to me to just suit up and show up. to get out and move and reclaim my body and who can turn away from Artemis’s calling? And that’s who does speak to me when I think of being an athlete of ANY type, the goddess Artemis, the ultimate gym class teacher.

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So please wish me the courage to get out there and to push past all my resistance in reclaiming my body as the sacred vessel it is. I know very melodramatic sounding. But aren’t we all sacred?

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Happiness comes in all shapes and ways…

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Bella and Sele 1 original 500x254 Happiness comes in all shapes and ways...

Life is so hard for us!

 

Hi everyone,

It’s Miss Bella and Sele here and we haven’t shared one of our favorite video’s that mom finds for us in a long time. Today, we saw one that we were really impressed by (Miss Bella: speak for yourself, Sele) o.k. well one of us was really impressed by.

Oskar is a little kitty who was born blind from birth proves that no matter how hard life can be that you should never give up on searching for fun. In the video he’s playing with his big brother Klaus who loved him right away. He was born wid out any eyes, but that doesn’t stop him from being the purrfect kitten that he is.

We hope you like this video as much as we did:

 

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“B” is for Brigit/Brighid ~ Pagan Blog Project Week 3

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“B” is for the Goddess Brigit and for Saint Brighid.

This is my first post for the “Pagan Blog Project” and if you’d like to participate or read more about “The Pagan Blog Project” you can read up about it here or just click on the image below or on my sidebar.

pbp2012 2 1 1 original B is for Brigit/Brighid ~ Pagan Blog Project Week 3I’m going to be talking about how I met and devoloped my relationship with the Goddess Brigit (hard ‘g’) and the Saint Brighid. (I’ll refer from now on to the goddess form of Brigit with this spelling and the saint as Brighid) although there are many variations on her name and origins.) There are so many good books out there about her history and lore that I won’t go into much detail here with all of her similarities and differences and her connection to the pagan day of Imbolc (pronounced Imm-olig) and Candlemas.

My mother was a witch and I was fortunate enough to have her wisdom passed down to me, especially learning about multi-cultural pantheons. When I was twenty, I told my mother I wanted to get married and have a large family. She joked and said that I better marry a Catholic (who are sometimes known to have large families.) What’s even funnier is that no one in my family is Catholic. On my mother’s side, I have Norwegian/German ancestry (of the Lutheran religion) and on my father’s side are the Hungarian Jew’s

So, no sign of traditional Catholicism. My mother told me first about the goddess Brigid, who traditionally originated in Eire as well as the other Celtic Isles. One of the traits known to the goddess and saint was her being a patroness of unmarried women, hence the name “Bride” connected to her.

Goddess Brigit 1 original B is for Brigit/Brighid ~ Pagan Blog Project Week 3My mother said that the goddess Brigit was so popular to the Celts that when Christianity came along to over rule the pagan path, that the Catholics knew that unless they kept Brigit there would be a turning away from their religion as well as revolts from the peopel who worshiped the Goddess Brigit.

So Brigit slowly metamorphised into the Saint Brighid and everyone was happy, more or less. The pagans of the time kept worshipping the goddess and the Catholics had a new, errrrr…less pagan form of Brigid. Saint Brighid has many stories and lore about her and if you read enough about her, you can see the many connections she has to the Goddess Brigid.

Saint Brighid 1 original B is for Brigit/Brighid ~ Pagan Blog Project Week 3One day, my mother brought home a Catholic Statue of Saint Brighid (Unfortunately she’s packed away somewhere or else I would post a photo of her) and gave me a novena that I had to perform for fourteen days at the same time asking for her help to find the perfect husband for me.

I had never performed any type of spell before and so was intrigued to see if it would work. My mother always told me “be careful what you wish for, Wendy, because it might just become true, so be clear in your intentions.” Very simply and with great naivety, I asked the goddess and saint, for the perfect man for me to marry who came from a large family. I left out him needing to be Catholic, because I figured, I’d be lucky in just finding the right man.

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Every night at six o’clock p.m. I would be sure to come and pray to her while I repeated the novena and held the image in my mind of getting married to a man I loved. No male showed up in those fourteen days that I would even consider even as a boyfriend, much less a husband, until the very last day of my novena. I was at the local 7-11 store and I walked out and there he was in all his bad boy glory. A surfer in a rundown Volkswagen Beetle with his sun bleached hair and a smile that was as deadly as a sharks.

It was instant lust for both of us. Being to shy to do anything I just got in my car and left. I was looking out my rear view window and there he was following me in his car. So, I pulled over, rolled my window down and the sparks between us were fierce. He just very bluntly told me, that he wanted to go out with me and asked me for my phone number. I still wasn’t even thinking about the spell/prayer to Brigid until we went out for a few times and he told me he came from a family of six boys and you guessed it was a “reformed Catholic” which made me laugh.

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I won’t go into the details of our courtship as that’s a whole other topic, but basically this was my first spell and it worked.  After a year, we got married (way too young) and we discussed having many children. The marriage lasted less than five years, but the lesson was learned that when performing any type of magick, be VERY careful and specific in what you ask for.

I know better to ask the Brigit/Brighid than to help me find a husband, so instead I ask her for blessings upon my writing (she was also known as a patron goddess for poets, smiths, and healers and of course brides) and I dedicate my hearth as she was also known to be a goddess connected to the element of fire. Brigit’s day is now known as”Candlemas” also known or “Candle Mass” and is the day when the pagan and  Catholic faith ask for the blessings of the candles to light them through the cold of Winter

Brigit and Brighid has never turned her back on me and continues to enlighten me and keep the well of inspiration burning within.

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Have any of you performed a spell/prayer to a goddess or god and have it work out, or maybe not work out? Do you believe in the saying “be careful of what you wish for?”

(A great book to read about Brigit/Brighid is “Candlemas: Feast of Flames (Holiday Series)” by Amber K & Azrael Aryynn K.

A fun link to read about the name and a little big about the Goddess is here: http://bewitchingnames.blogspot.com/2011/02/bridget.html

and check out this blog for some more info about Celtic deities: http://www.applewarrior.com/celticworld/celticdeities/

Image credits (http://pinterest.com/psolomon17/irish-ancestry-celtic-and-green/)
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Pain is inevitable…but suffering is optional

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I first want to thank everyone for your incredible support and kind words with the whole “family issue” from my last post. Clearly, I’m not alone with all the pain and confusion that some of us have to deal regarding our family members. I was emotionally suffering as you read, but I turned the corner. I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday and he said something that really stuck with me.

I was telling him about how I’ve learned from studying Buddhism that if we resist pain in any form it’ll just persist. And to move through the suffering, we need to acknowledge it without all the diversions that we like to do. For me, it’s unnecessary busy work, eating when I’m not hungry, surfing the web, reading…anything that I think I can lose myself in without being gently compassionate with myself and acknowledging my pain. If I don’t open my heart up to myself, that is when suffering occurs. The more I try to deny my pain, that is when suffering occurs and the healing stops.

I know, I know too much time on my hands. But back to what my Dr. said, he said that the Buddhist Shaolin Monks who have their own form of Kung Fu and are considered to be some of the most graceful and strongest martial art’s warriors ever and that no matter how skilled and practiced they may be, there will always be blows from an opponent. (You might have seen the fantastic movie, “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” which highlights Shaolin Monks and their form of Kung Fu. Granted the movie is still done “Hollywood Style” but the grace and spirit of the Shaolin Monks can be seen.)

I hate seeing my father as an opponent but sometimes our family and friends turn into adversaries and sometimes we’re our “own worst enemy.” To deflect with grace rather than hard opposition is part of the martial dance and philosophy of the Shaolin Monks. I won’t go into the history in this post or their philosophy  of the Shaolin Monks, as I’d be doing them and their way of line an injustice.)

I think part of why I’ve been suffering so much is that I’ve believed I was prepared for the sadness and loss I feel whenever I’m around my family. But the thing is, I’m human (last time I checked I was at least) and that the best we can all do is to acknowledge our hurts and let it go….softly and with dexterity.

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This doesn’t mean that I remain passive and keep opening my heart with vulnerability, but it’s how I respond rather than react that matters. Reacting is immediate and doesn’t always bring us the response and outcome that we want. I’m quick to react. Responding is the dance of grace, it’s reflecting and then deciding upon action (whether that’s externally or internally.)

It’s not safe for me emotionally to just confront my father because that would do both of us more harm than good. But I can learn how to protect myself more and with a kiss of compassion for myself  let the pain flow through me.  I can’t claim to be a full Buddhist practitioner but I’ve long been walking the path in learning how to bring about more peace and balance into my life and one of the most important tenets of Buddhism is “Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional” which reminds me that no matter how prepared I am to face pain, it’s going to happen, it’s how I choose to respond and resist or embrace my pain that makes a difference.

Crouching Tiger 1 original Pain is inevitable...but suffering is optional

So, how do you let go of your own type of suffering and acknowledge your own pain?

 

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