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I had this horrible sinking feeling last night as I thought about this post. There are so many things I have done that I hate myself or feel guilty for. I read this morning that there is a difference between “guilt” and ”shame.” There are two types of guilt, healthy and toxic. The first type of guilt is when you have committed an act that has genuinely hurt someone and making amends in some fashion is healthy. The second type of guilt is when you have committed an act, that really wasn’t your fault, except in your own mind you blame yourself. And then there’s shame. If guilt is an external act you feel bad about, then shame is the act of feeling like YOU’RE the mistake and there’s something wrong with you.
Why it’s important for me to differentiate between guilt and shame is that I am ashamed of myself. This
I’ve blogged before about my mother, our relationship and the painful process of her dying. I remember her telling me about how she had just been diagnosed with terminal cancer. It was right around my birthday and her illness ravaged her mind, body and soul immediately. She was in a lot of pain and had to put in a hospital right away for treatment. My world became horribly surreal. I became dissociated with everything around me. It was as if I was watching a movie with a character who looked like me, acted like me and was experiencing the same circumstances as me, but I couldn’t feel anything that connected me to that person. I wasn’t on any medications for depression or bipolar disorder yet, so my chemistry was going haywire. I started having extreme panic attacks which I tried to fend off the best I could, because everything was just too painful to accept. I was seeing a therapist, but I don’t think she could have fully helped me because of her own lack of training in the dying process and I was just too inarticulate to tell her what was going on with me.
I had no “safe container” as my current therapist has explained to me. If one is panicking and frozen with fear and doesn’t have a strong enough support system or they are unable to provide one for themselves, then that person often perceives the word like the pits of hell with terror and pain. That was my world at the time. Dante’s inferno had nothing on me.
I had always been afraid of my mother for the physical and emotional abuse I suffered from her. My mother looked like the good Viking Stock she came from. Tall, imposing,
She lived in a town that’s about an hour and a half away from me, so I would drive up the coast up to see her, dreading each time I did because I was so scared of everything that was happening. I wanted my mommy alive (notice I used the word “mommy” because I had transformed back into the scared little girl I identified with). I would go into the hospital treading lightly as if every step would reveal this weak and pathetic person I had become. I was afraid they would see beneath the sham I tried so hard to keep up around them. I would talk to the nurses without really hearing them, I would meet the Dr.’s and put on a cheery face as if my mom would miraclously heal and that life would go on like a Disney Movie.
The worst part though, was when I had to face my mother. She spoke in a whisper instead of the loud, booming voice she normally had and I would sit there mute. Or there would be days, many of them, when I arrived at the hospital only to be told by the staff that she was just in too much pain to see me. Here’s where the shame started to grow inside of me. I would feel relieved that I didn’t have to see her wasting away and unable to save her. My
I was a coward. I remember the last day I saw her alive. Her doctors knew she would die soon and so let her go back to her home heavily dosed up on medication but at least she would be surrounded by her family. It was Christmas Day and my two brothers (and of course my sister in law) gathered around her in this macabre ritual acting like it was just another ordinary Christmas. My mother grew tired soon and wanted everyone to leave. She told everyone that she wanted me to walk her to her bed. She told everyone, “I want my daughter to put me to bed.” I felt I didn’t deserve to be called a daughter. I was something hateful and weak. I put her to bed and we both knew it would be our last goodbye.
Those memories are wracking my body now and I cry as I’m writing this post. I’m not sure how to forgive myself for not being stronger and able to act more like my sister in law did. I felt she deserved the title of being my mother’s daughter more than I did. I let my mother down over and over again when she most needed me. I failed and still feel like a failure and there’s nothing I can do to make that up to her and tell her how deeply sorry I am and how much I loved her. I condemn myself over and over each day. Especially now that it’s coming up to the anniversary of her death on January 6th, the shame I carry grows stronger.
I know I need to forgive myself because I wasn’t the daughter that I felt I should have been to my mother. I even know that my mother forgives me as a spirit who visits me often. So, why can’t I let that angel of forgiveness wash me clean? This post wasn’t about “how to forgive oneself,” it was “something I have to forgive myself for.” That’s the best I can do. I acknowledge that I do need to exorcise the ”Ghost of Christmas Past” that wails and moans and shakes it’s long chains of shame stopping me from
© 2010, Wendy S.. All rights reserved.
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I think it’s our own standards and expectations as children of who we should be for our parents that leaves a lot of guilt. I think as we mature we reach a place where we can see that our parents did the best they knew how at the time but we don’t see ourselves, as children, in the same eyes.
It’s such a moving post Wendy and I wish there weren’t a little pond between us so I could give my sister a hug. You did the best that you could in a difficult situation and your mum loved you regardless of how you felt you coped towards her. It was you, and not your sister in law, she wanted to say her last goodbye too.
I really hope the angel of forgiveness will lift this from your heart. I’m going to light a candle for you in the hopes it will ease your sorrow.
Blessings
Lyn
Lyn recently posted..Bonfire Night – Woo Hoo!
What a powerful thought Lyn about how we can forgive our parents as best we can, but then turn on ourselves. I would never have thought of it that way. And I felt your hugs and love from “across the pond.” I also wish we didn’t live so far away, but you’re right here right beside me. And thank you for the candle of warmth and light, I can feel and see it’s glow.
A tough and honest post, Wendy. Hugs to you and may you find the path of self-forgiveness soon.
Debra She Who Seeks recently posted..Happy Diwali!
Thank you Debra. It’s so interesting how strongly I feel your presence when you comment. You have such a beautiful and strong soul. I actually feel in a much different place since I’ve posted that and this heavy darkness that was there seems to be dissipating. Hugs back to you and of course to “Her Royal Higness” ; )
Wonderfully written sad and beautiful story!
I can’t say anything smart, I just hope that my mother never dies…
It’s very hard and painful to watch pain. Don’t be ashamed that you have a huge, sensitive heart!
(Thank you for the sweet comment on my blog:) and kisses to your kitties!)
Mercedes
Mercedes recently posted..An early winter day with my cats
Hi Mercedes, I don’t think there is anything to say that needs to be “smart.” Unfortunately, everyone dies and it sounds like you’ll really struggle with it like we all do. If there’s anything I’ve learned from this post and the amazing comments is that when we love someone and they die, there’s no wrong or right way of dealing with it. I have to say, my kitties greatly helped and I know you’ll understand what I mean. Now, when they die, I’ll lose it. I hate to say this but probably harder in some way. I’ll post a story about one of my babies died and I literally went into a horrible depression. I loved seeing your babies on your blog and your art, incredible! I”ll be visiting soon and buying some goodies : )
Oh Wendy! Big hugs to you. I can sympathize with how you feel. You were scared – it was your mom and you didn’t know what to do. We never like to see our parents like this – when we’ve always known them to be our strong protectors. I can recall when my dad was in the hospital several years ago. I didn’t go to see him once – I couldn’t. I would call to find out how he was doing, but I refused to go to the hospital. And I still feel guilty about that. He’s my dad. My mom understood my reasonings. But I still couldn’t step foot into that hospital. I waited til he was home. And me and my hubby helped my parents out quite a bit…purchased groceries, did yard work. Sometimes the heart controls us – not our rationale. You are not alone – and you will heal. I think this post is a big step in that direction.
Theresa
Theresa, thank you for letting me know that I’m not the only one who struggles with a parent being sick. I love your comment about “how our heart controls us and not our rationale” really beautiful and thoughtful thought. I always smile when I read your comments and I always value them, Theresa.
First, let me apologize for my advice the other day, as for some reason I thought your mom was alive.
Sorry, I am soo sorry for the loss of your mom, imperfect as they all are. We all miss them dearly when they are gone. my mom is still with me, but she is not perfect. My dad is not still with us, he also was far from perfect, and I miss him terribly also.
NOW as far as your shame goes. we are ALL built differently. I am(or was) a very strong person, my family knows this, I have been referred to as the “rock” on more than one occasion, by more than one family member. However I was NOT the rock in every situation…why, because different situations affect people differently. Your SIL was ABLE to be strong as she was NOT her daughter, while she may have had a connection and even loved your mom, she is not you. The connection with you was deep, and had with it all the good and all the bad. There were unsettled issues with you and your mom, that is the TRUE shame you are feeling, not that you weren’t the rock your SIL was. YOU know what?? YOUR MOM knew who HER rock was, why do you think she requested you? In her quiet and last life maneuver, this small HONOR was her olive branch. She reached out for you, in the darkest moment, telling you everything is ok, telling you she loves you, she understands you, forgives you, and hopes you return all the same of her. She did not ask for ALL of her children, as in you and your brothers, she asked for her daughter, it was a great honor bestowed on you, it was meant to feel like a feathery crown, with the power to lighten your load. Yet you see it has a boulder burdening you. Step back and see the whole picture, pull away the curtain. There is no shame in not being the one who bought the wigs. There is honor in putting a dying parent to bed. Hold that honor dearly and feel the strength it holds, the love it carries and the significance of it all.
I worked for almost 11 years as a CNA, and have seen my share of deaths, in hospitals and nursing homes, and performed the last baths on many of them. Having the honor of making this person presentable for the family to say their goodbyes. I also in the nursing homes got to see the family interactions. NOT every family had a rock and NOT every family had someone the patient saw worthy of putting them to bed.
Your mother saw you as her most valued love! Come out of that inferno Wendy, and enjoy the breeze of the ocean!
HUGE gentle hug, my friend,
Susan
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Nothing to apologize for, Sue for the comment about my mother. Actually, she feels more alive now than when she lived. Your comment made me cry and felt like this beautiful light just brushed me with Angel wings. I can feel the breeze warming my cold heart and it feels so good. You gave me such an incredible gift with your comment. Thank you so much, Susan. I’m so glad we’ve met and you’re one of my biggest supporters and show such beauty and love.
Thank YOU Wendy! I feel the same way
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Love to you and your kitties!
Sue
Wendy, I cannot tell you to just forget the shame and guilt and forgive youself, I know better it just does not happen this way, I know so. I can tell you from one friend to another that you do not need to feel ashamed. You were in a horrible place both emotionally and in the physical world, you did the best you could do and no one in the world or beyond the veil can blame you for that. I cannot imagine having to watch my mom pass slowly away before my very eyes, I think that you did an amazing job. Also I do not want to diss you sister in law, but keep in mind she is your sister IN LAW, this was not her mom dieing, not her mom who was sick not her mom who was in the hospital. It was your mom and no matter how much your sister in law loved and cared about your mom I doubt that she loved your mom the same way you did. You have the memories, you have the time, it is you who are her daughter. I am sure she loved your mom, but it was NOT her mom she was loosing, it was yours. My partner Mr. H. has a grandma who is 90 and quite sickly, he has a really hard time visiting her because he hates to see her so frail and old, he remembers her more vibrantly, I have a much easier time visiting her because while I do love her, she isnt my grandmother, she is a wonderful lady that I love and care about, so for me visiting is easy. For Mr. H visiting is hard and sometimes he doesnt want to go or is relieved when she is asleep and we just head home, because for him, it is hard and grief filled just to visit. So how you reacted is perfectly fine, and remember it is easy for me to go visit and I would guess that for your sister in law it was easy too. For you like Mr. H it was very very hard. Remember at the end it was not a son or your sister in law but you, who your mother asked for. She loved you and you deserve to feel her love and forgive yourself.
Blessed Be.
Faerie Sage recently posted..Truth 6
You know both you and Sue, commented and brought up the point about my SIL being able to be there for my mom in a way that I wanted because she had more of a detachment. I how much your loss with your friend effected you and how you also wished you had done more. And I would say to someone else that it’s so true that the people we love who die, (most of the time) know that we loved them however they left this world. Thank you so much for all your love you continuously show me and I know that when Mr. H’s grandmother goes, he’ll have an angel in you standing right beside him and loving him.
Wendy you have a wonderful gift with words.
Your sil was a nurse & knew what to do & that helped her cope in her way,
You coped the best you could that at the time you knew how to. I think with your mum asking you to tuck her was her way of reaching out to you in her way of love & support. to you.
you share “I even know that my mother forgives me as a spirit who visits me often” – embrace this
with love Leanne
Leanne NZ recently posted..Saturday 6th November
Thank you Leane for your as always really thoughtful comment and love. And it’s interesting that people who have commented have told me that my mother asking me to tuck her into her bed was a way of reaching out. I feel sadness now, that’s not so much of I couldn’t do enough for her, but more I just miss her. I think you’re going to find some interesting transformations when you start this “30 Posts…” I’m really proud of you that you’re doing this!
I commented on this last night but I lost it.
I’m so sorry – it’s very hard to face this, but I think anyone who has had someone close die knows this story. We all imagine how we will react in certain situations but we cannot predict. (that’s why I get so angry when people judge others) There is simply no right or wrong here. When someone dies it is often less about the dying and more about others around him/her – I know this theory sounds strange to some, but though death is an important transition for the dying person – it puts others in transition too.
It takes time to process this – a lot of time. I hope that during that time you can go easy on yourself. You did nothing wrong and nothing we all haven’t done.
*hugs*
Aine
Aine recently posted..The Solstice Tree
Thank you Aine, I agree completely that dying touches people in different ways. And unfortunately in our society and in most families, death isn’t really talked about. I never even saw a pet die when I was little which is strange if you think about it. They just “disappeared.” I already have gotten so much love and support from the comments, my heart does feel lighter and I don’t condemn myself as much. I can feel your warm hug and just sinking into it.
I’m humbled and honored to be able to share the good and the bad with you, Wendy. This post brought tears to my own eyes, for while I am blessed to have my parents here with me still, your honesty and raw emotions struck a chord. May the angel of forgiveness wrap you in her wings and help ease your journey to the end of this pain. *hugs*
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Thank you Danni…I’ve been getting so much support and comments like yours it’s as if the angel of forgiveness is working through each one of you. You know I love your blog, so I feel very humbled myself that you’re along on the journey with me.
YOur blog made my eyes all watery and stingy.
I’m sending you a big hug … Nobody is perfect. Your mom knows that. And She loves you and your faults! and the fact she wanted you to put her to bed proves that above al,l her love for you was(is) always there. Let your Guilt and shame go Wendy. She wouldn’t want you to feel bad or suffer from such feelings
*SUPER DUPER MASSIVE BIG SQUEEZY HUGS*
Oh dear I seem to be vanishing here
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as a nurse we are taught how to be strong for the family members and for the patients toehrwise we would never get our jobs done. Your SIL’s ability to be there simply called on her strengths and training. For you however there is no training, no warning, no help in being prepared for the long slow death. Nothing to aide in comforting you.
We all think of our parents as we knew them when we were children, and it strikes at our hearts and the very core of our being; of who we are when they become ill. It takes time to understand how something so small can wreak such havoc and yet leave no trace of it’s passing other than the wreckage of our lives. I wish there was a way to be better prepared but there isn’t.
I happened to see Oprah yesterday when she spoke to Marie Osmond about her son’s death and she spoke about how it’s good to talk about the people who have died, to remember any good times that there might of been; to speak with the others who have lost that person about them instead of hiding from the death and the loss.
This was a beautiful post, one in which you purged so much of the guilt associated with surviving while your mother passed. There is a saying I’m not sure where it comes from but it goes like this ” funerals aren’t for the dead, they are for the one’s left behind”
Coming forward and owning those feeling are one of the first steps to forgiveness. A burden shared is a burden halved, Own your feelings, slowly allow to guilt to be let go, as it is stealing from you moments that are just as precious as your Mum’s dieing gift to you. But most of all forgive yourself not for failing her (as you believe you have, which you didn’t) , but for being human, a flawed human woman who was struggling with many issues, accept that you were angry with her for her treatment of you when you were young, accept that you didn’t get a chance to deal with those issues with her, and forgive her and yourself. acknowledge the anger the little girl inside still feels.
Thank You for being so raw and honest with us, I think I will take up this challenge as well.
Brightest blessings and much healing.
Aisha Oaktree recently posted..UberFail
Thank you Aisha for your really thoughtful and beautiful comment. You’re absolutely right that as a child we’re never prepared for death in a way that doesn’t leave us wracked with depression and guilt, and certainly I never was. Your comment meant a lot to me and I think you’ll “kick-ass” if you decide to take up the “30 Posts…” challenge ; )