PrintI’m in a really tough position right now, and can really use all your advice, suggestions and wisdom. First let me tell you how this situation to set this up. Yesterday, I had my obligatory lunch with my father, step-mother and son. My gut feeling all during the week, kept telling me that I needed to bow out of this as things could get ugly. If you read my Thanksgiving post, I wrote about the lack of closeness I have with my family.
It’s not that I don’t love them, I just always end up feeling out of sorts in a bad way after I see them. I arrived at the restaurant where we were to meet and when I sat down, my son who I’m very proud of, was going on and on and on, about what he was learning in college for his “psychology” degree and all the information about brain synapses, chemical properties that are part of mood-disorders. Oh boy, I could tell this was going to be interesting. As much as I love my son, he can be very narcissistic and insensitive to the Nth degree.
I felt like I was invisible when after sitting there for five minutes so proceeded to talk to my father about life in general as Alex, (my son) was still ignoring me as he talked to my step-mother. So, there were cross-conversations all over the place. Fortunately, my father said to my step-mother and Alex, “This is too confusing and I can’t hear what Wendy is saying, so can we stop all this side-talk for a while. We (meaning my step-mother and Alex) have Alex in the car with us and can hear about him and we’ll have him for Christmas.” They have two houses, one in Southern California where I live and one in Colorado where they spend about seven months out of the year. Alex will be up there for Christmas which is really fine with me.
Right then, I could feel this animosity just radiating from Alex. I asked him about school, his life, etc…but he was really short and abrupt with me, so I turned to my father and step-mother and started talking to them. They went on and on about how great Thanksgiving was and how beautiful the hotel was that they stayed in and how much fun everyone had. I just nodded my head and didn’t say anything as I was feeling, well, kind of sad. Then the topic of my blog came up. I’ve mentioned before that my family has never showed any interest in reading my blog, ever since I started it a few months ago.
Alex in all his infinite “wisdom” started to grill me like this; “Mom, don’t you think it’s pathetic that people who connect only over the internet and blogs, aren’t making REAL connections with others in the real world? And how can you really get to know someone when you can’t hear their voice inflections and undertones. And if you do talk about your bipolar disorder aren’t you concerned that the people will read your blog take everything you say as the gospel truth and not educate themselves about mood disorders especially if they have one?” Yeah, those are the exact words and sentences he used.
I turned to him and said, “Alex, are you asking me as a therapist or as Alex? I don’t need another therapist and don’t feel like I have to justify what I write and I’ve become closer to some of my friends I’ve met through my blog in a deeper way than I often do in the “real world.” Would I love to meet some of my friends in the “real world”? Yes, absolutely and I hope that happens in the future, but a lot of them live very far away from me and while I do have friends, it’s not that easy to meet others I can really connect to in the “real world.” And I was asked about my blog and I don’t want to defend the reasons I blog and what I get out of it or if I’m being responsible or not with what I write. Let’s not talk about this anymore.”
My dad then says to me, “Wendy, how does one find a blog one’s interested in, like a blog on golfing for example?” I tell him about the different ways I’ve found other blogs of interest to me and also that there’s a Google search engine that’s specifically for blogs. He says, “I’d love to read your blog. Why don’t you email me the URL so I can read it.”
You know when I first started my blog, I would have loved him asking me the URL so he can read it. Now though, I’ve written some pretty personal things that I feel would either make my family really angry or hurt and there’s enough distance between us already without adding fuel to the fire. I didn’t know what to say at the moment as I felt this horrible anxiety and dread coming up. So, I kind of just quickly said, “Sure, I’ll send you the URL.”
As we were leaving the restaurant he says to me in parting, “be sure to email me the URL so I can read your blog.” And then Alex says to me, “I’d also like to see your blog.” Uh, not a good situation. WHAT DO I DO? I don’t want them reading my blog. It’s one of the places where I can really be honest and open about my life as I know I couldn’t tell them my truth without a lot of judgment, defensiveness and hurt feelings. I know without a doubt that if they read my blog a really ugly situation can happen.
Please let me know if you’ve had to face this situation and what you did or even if you haven’t don’t have this problem what you can suggest.
I’ve thought of a few different things and would like to know your opinion. I can;
- Use a WordPress plugin that basically blocks people at first from reading my blog until I approve them. I know a lot of you don’t like the spam plugin’s I already use and this would be one more way to control who reads my blog. I would basically get a really quick email, saying this person would like to be a reader and then I could approve their request or not from reading my blog.
- I can tell all of them, that I’d rather not them read my blog as there are things I post about that I feel uncomfortable with them reading and I can send them posts that I’ve written that aren’t going to stir up trouble. If I tell them this, it also won’t go down really well and I know that they’ll search for my blog and then read it.
- Make some of my posts that I know will piss them off, hurt them or just cause more tension between us, pass-word protected and then send the password to anyone who would like to read my posts saying on my blog, that this is a password protected post.
That’s all I can think of right now. I’m already censoring myself on this post, because of my fear they’ll read what I have to say knowing they won’t like this. I hate, hate, hate this feeling of needing to edit what I say so carefully to please my family and not cause any ripples. I don’t want to post just what I think my family wants to hear or hide who I really am to all of you, who’ve been incredibly supportive and have already helped me through some really dark and hard times even though we’ve only met a few months ago when I first created my blog.
So please, I would really appreciate your thoughts, feelings, suggestions and advice about what I can do about this whole situation. Thank you so much.
I’ll also post the winner for my giveaway tomorrow, so if you haven’t entered and you’d like to, you have one more day to enter.
© 2010, Wendy S.. All rights reserved.
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Wendy as you know, I have also been very truthful about my family crap…I’ve told my son, daughter and hubby that I talk about them on my blog. Hubby is not crazy about it, and sometimes tells me not to talk about him. but i am too honest I guess, and i always mention it. I have explained to them that I am doing a “self therapy thing-called the 30 days of truth” I also told them MANY people in blogglyland are doing this.
Perhaps you could tell them that up front, and let them know you are merely sharing your honest feelings about all the people in your life. (sadly you took the one down about your coworker, as that would be your proof.
Right now that is all I can offer, but I’ll keep thinking about it.
don’t worry yourself into a knot. You need to do what you need to do for YOU. and that is what matters.
Love, hugs and warm blessings,
Sue
Susan G recently posted..30 days of truthday 8
I’d password protect, then just mass msg’d email the password to your most cherished readers.
It seems the easiest way.
I know what you mean on the whole not wanting them t see everything.
I feel the same way with mine, and ended up deleting one blog entry completely that I wish I could have just left up.
SO the password protect seems the best way, then you can be sure everyone who should red it does and those who shouldn’t don’t.
If they ask for the password, just say no. That those posts are actually meant for a certain person to read, and its a private affair. Simple.
Best of luck on figuring it out Wendy. And please send me Pass word rights
Biggest Warm hugs and brightest Blessings to you..
Jaimie- Lyn Oldfield recently posted..
I’ve never worried much about this myself, until the other day when I posted the bit about when and how my family destructed. My mom would be tremendously upset if she read it because she would say a) it’s no one’s business and b) I’m clearly not remembering it correctly despite my brother, sister and father all remembering it the same way as I do. No one likes to be made to look like the bad guy, but to help heal old hurts we need to let things out into the open where they can become smaller, more manageable and ultimately hold no more power over us. Would she understand that as a solid reason for airing our dirty laundry to the world? No.
Luckily, she doesn’t read my blog. She could stumble upon it any number of ways, as it’s linked on my etsy and facebook accounts, but she hasn’t yet. If she did, I would consider using a password protect option to keep the things I don’t want her to read out of her sights. Our relationship has come back around over the last 10 years and while I need to heal, I don’t want to destroy the progress we’ve made.
I suppose with that lengthy response, what I’m trying to say is the password protect option seems like the best option. Either that, or possibly start a second blog where you can repost some of your less controversial posts and make a safe place for them to visit?
Danni Suplicki recently posted..Yuletide Giveaway!
I’d do two blogs. Keep this blog for your feelings….
2nd blog that is light & family sensitive.
Your dad sounds like he is trying to take an interest – lots of folks do not “get” blogging & why it can be fun & form friendships. – More a modern day of penfriends is how I see bloging.
Love Leanne
Leanne recently posted..Sunday 5th December
Wendy dear tell them the truth up front.
this is your place to be truthful and even hurtful and judgmental about, not just your family but yourself as well.
those who will take it badly, would have taken it badly whenever they found out. it’s often better to “rip the bandaide off”sooner than later.
and as scary as it is, letting your loved ones know more about where the crazy comes from is sometimes a good thing.
my own story is long complicated and messy, (if you would like to know I have no problem sharing just ask) suffice to say I was abused by my stepfather starting at age 6 it started with verbal and went downhill from there. I did not tell my mother how bad it got, she knew some but not all.
I was protecting her from the harsh reality and we grew ever steadily apart, because I was out of control for many years and she could not understand why I was so angry at her. when my ex told her (during our divorce. after I expressly asked him not to) she was devastated. It’s been 2 years and she still apologizes for not seeing what was going on.
the truth will set your mind more on a healing path.
and if you worry about your son not understanding he won’t. he is still to young to. it may be years before he get’s close to understanding. Boy’s don’t grow up until they are at least 30 and even that is sometimes optimistic. (my ex is 45 and is still an emotional 10 year old!)
your father sounds like he’s ready to understand, he sounds concerned for you and your well being. even if he doesn’t understand completely, he may be an advocate for you that you didn’t know you had.
what ever your decision is that you understand why you are making it. be thoughtful about it not emotional. make sure that YOU are comfortable with it.
in protecting everyone else’s feelings, you are neglecting your own and creating stress for yourself, that isn’t yours.
blessings upon you dear girl, be well.
Flora Goodson recently posted..BJP-Fate
just a note-
password protecting them out is only going to add fuel the theory that you are cutting them out or truly badmouthing them. we can all come up with the most damning horribalizing things to believe someone else thinks about ourselves. in being open with them there is hope that they will come around eventually.
my hairbrained opinion
Flora Goodson recently posted..BJP-Fate
I would just be honest and tell them that you originally thought it would be a good idea, but then had second thoughts. I’ve had out in the open blogs and those I keep quiet about and I like to keep my family and real life friends out of the blog. It makes it so much easier. When people I knew used to read my other blogs (over the years) I’ve felt very restrained. Not to mention that many do not know of my specific spiritual preference. So I’d let it go and see if they remember (most of the time they ask once and then forget about it) and then if it comes up again just be honest.
Aine recently posted..21 Days of Yule – Day 6 – Yule Workings
Wendy tough call, I personally don’t have the time or extra energy to upkeep two blogs especially one that is really just for show for your family? I wouldn’t have time to keep a (lets be honest )fake second blog, but if it means smooth family living and you have the time it could be a possibility. I want you to be able to share your feelings and thoughts no matter what, password protect seems the best and if they want the pass word say it is personal posts, answering personal questions friends have asked that are just for your friend to read, just like how you can post pictures that only some of your friends can see on facebook. I know that lots of people will say just be honest, and with say my family that works, but I know from dealing with Mr H’s family that it doesn’t always work, you are in a damned if you do and damned if you don’t situation. I would start with password protect, then send the link to your family who asked for it, with it let them know that the blog is not fully public access and that you share some very private feelings which you keep private with password protect, also that you keep private (pen-pal like) correspondence with blog friends that are also password protected, that way when they get on the blog they will expect that they will not be able to view every post you have written. By telling them this up front (when you email them the URL) you let them know that the blog a) has password protect b) that they will not be allowed access to everything because some of it is about friends and is private and personal to your friends. If they ask for the password simply say that your friend/s would not be comfortable airing their dirty laundry to your people they do not know, like your family. I don’t know if this will help but I do know that you may be able to password protect and manage to not share the password with this cover story.
Blessings to you and your kitties I am thinking of you and sending you love.
You must come and visit me in the new year, a vacation to get away and have a happy time, to prove that blog friends can be “real” friends too.
PS if your son talks about this again tell him that a ‘lady’ with a masters degree in Anthropology (tell him that means study of humans) says it is important to have socialization in different ways, such as casual acquaintances you talk to at the grocery store, close friends, family and people who you are comfortable with such as online friends who are part of a larger community to which you belong. Also tell him the ‘lady’ said that when a community we fit into, does not exist where we live it is better to find an online social network which will support us and we can work within than to socially isolate ourselves and be alone. You are part of an online community and we love you and think of you as part of our community.
Blessings
Faerie Sage recently posted..Bringing the Happy Back to the Happiest time of the Year- 5th21 Days of Yule
The 2 blog route seems to be the way to go. Just be sure there’s no possible way to link from one to the other, e.g., through your blogger profile or something. Good luck!
Debra She Who Seeks recently posted..Merry Cashmas!
Oh Wendy,
First of all, I just love the way you write. Y ou just draw your readers in and we can feel everything with you as it happened. Second, I honestly wouldn’t want my son reading the blog after that kind of critique from someone in college who is taking psychology.. I swear, I’ve seen that happen with every kid who takes psych 101.. they all of the sudden become the expert in all things of the mind. Your dad seems really supportive of you. You may want to simply hide the blogs that you don’t want him reading or just let him know that you’d prefer he only be the one to read them and explain.. this is the real me. I hope it won’t offend you, but if it does, Dad.. please just reach out to me so we can talk about it.
It seems like he really cares about you and wants to be a part of your life. Let him know who you really are, and you may be surprised to find acceptance you never thought you’d get. My two cents.. take them for what they are worth.
Big hugs to you!!
Kallan recently posted..Weekly Tarot December 5-11
Hey Wendy,
I’ve read through the responses and as you can see everyone has a different take on it. In the end honesty is the best policy and I would be honest with your Dad about why you blog, what it means to you and the trouble that you think it may cause and can he please allow you this privacy (if that’s what you want) and respect if you decide to let him read it. You are lucky that he has taken and interest though- it could be a good sign, I don’t know.
As for your son…this is just my opinion….I do not feel that he is ready to read your blog. I hope this doesn’t hurt but he seems like he is looking for ways to disrespect you. And he’ll probably land up using your blog against you. Once he has the maturity and the ability to see you as an actual human being and not just his mom it may be possible. Quite frankly…I think he needs to grow up and start respecting you more- Sorry! but from where I come from we don’t moddle coddle children and respecting your parents is a big deal. Maybe just don’t mention it again and he’ll forget about it. Otherwise get your Dad to support you in your decision.
My family knows about my blog- it was meant to be just my mom and best friend that knew but well…. . I have been in this situation before my mom accidently mentioned my blog to my sister who somehow found it and read it. I have huge problems with her and I had ranted about her on my blog. How I saw it is that I am anomymous, I kept her anomymous, my blog, my emotions…if you don’t like like it don’t read it. The only thing she said about it was “Too bad she hates me so much” (not true) and she hasn’t read it since. None of my other family reads my blog and I am okay with that.
Good luck with this…it isn’t easy. In the end you have to go with whatever you feel comfortable with.
stephi recently posted..Repost- Fighting the good fight
I’m so sorry you’re in this position! I (thankfully) have not had to face it myself, but here’s what I would do:
I would set up a ‘face’ blog, that is a secondary blog that all the non-sensitive posts can be posted to, and give my family that URL. Then in the future if there’s a post I don’t want them reading, I’ll only post it to my real blog. I’ve used similar tactics with other things in the past, and have found that after an initial check-out my family really doesn’t seem to check much after that. It will take a bit of set-up, but after that you need only copy-paste.
Good luck with whatever you choose to Wendy! I hope it turns out well!
Leathra recently posted..Please light a candle
I do two blogs. One is mundane and family friendly. The other is the one I am on most. nobody in my family a=has asked for the URL to my blog but if they ever searched for it, they would find it. They wouldn’t likely find my wise woman path one though.
sophiadawn recently posted..21 Days of Yule – Day 5 – cookies
Well, you know I deleted my blog and started the new one after my son found mine, read it without my knowledge, and then ripped me a new one in his Facebook status. I had tried very hard to keep my blog hidden from family and anonymous and still he somehow found it. Either it was the biggest fluke in the world or he went digging. My family has always known I blog, but they have never been privy to my posts…not even when my blog was a strictly Christian blog centered on ministry. I’ve always considered my blog to be my private place to unload, share, etc. Reading it without my perission is to me like reading my diary without asking.
Anyway…of the options you mentioned I’d probably choose to password protect the posts you don’t want them to see. My second choice would be telling them you don’t want them to read it. Like you told me, we have to set boundaries and we all deserve our private place. Your family needs to respect that. It doesn’t sound like your son will get any more bent out of shape than he already is. I hope I can be honest, because I appreciated it when you were honest with me about my son…..your son sounds like a self-absorbed brat that needs to grow up and think of someone other than himself. Don’t let him bully or guilt you into doing what you don’t want to do and know is not good for you.
I love you, girl. And I live clear on the other side of the country and we’ve never met in person. Your family can put that in their pipe!
Stacy Lynn recently posted..Monday Mayhem- The Holiday Poll
I am sort of going through this right now but with facebook. I have mentioned my blog to my mother and have mentioned it on my facebook which my eldest daughter sees. and no one has asked for the link, but I “feel” it is coming. My youngest daughter knows I have it and hasn’t asked for it because she lives with me and knows what’s going on. My eldest daughter posted something on her facebook snotty towards me because I haven’t been at her beckon call lately and truthfully I haven’t and don’t feel bad about it either. I do know that the comments from her and my mother would be mean and hateful, so with your post I sat here thinking how I am going to handle their comments when they come. Now mind you this comes from years of therapy. And truthfully if I was asked about my blog and if they could have the link I would say sure you can have it, with one stipulations and a warning. Warning: There are things you will find on there that will upset and hurt you. Stipulations: They are not allowed to make any mean or harsh comments about things they may read on my blog. Yes I know this may make the wedge wider, but as I have learned I have no control over someone else’s feelings and I am not responsible for them. I will not alter my way of thinking or feelings about my life just to make another feel better. That isn’t living my life, it is living theirs and that isn’t what I was put here to do.
I haven’t responded to my eldest daughters comment on facebook and I thought about this all day as I just found it this morning, but I won’t be commenting about it either. Yes am I mad, sad, irritated, hurt, all of the above, absolutely. As I have no control over her feelings. I will not make her responsible for mine either. So I will keep my comments to myself and allow her to have her anger at me for not being at her beckon call. That is her right and I won’t deny her that. Someday she will see that I wasn’t put here for her punching bag and when she does that is when I will be more than happy to be there for her more.
So, after that bit of rambling, do I think you should give them the URL, sure. Just know you have every right to put out expectations on how you want that to go. Like my therapist drilled in my head, it is healthy and completely your right to put up boundaries of how people will treat you. Sounds a bit harsh and mean, but I wouldn’t have survived the past three years without being a bit harsh and mean. Doesn’t mean I don’t care about others, it just means I care about me as much, if not more.
Sending you love and light through this horrible situation.
May you have a day real soon that is filled with many smiles.
This is a complicated situation… but as with everything on the internet, I think you have to be prepared that people who know you will find your blog and read it, and they may not agree with what you write. I know my family reads my German blog (some of them and not all the time), and I try not to write anything that I wouldn’t want them to know… or I try to write it in a less offensive way if I feel I still have to share. Same goes for my English witch blog, where I know a friend/colleague reads.
I think that if you try to prevent them from reading your blog, they will of course realize and feel rejected. There is no way to do so without them realizing you don’t want them to read your blog. Therefore, being in your place, I would forward the URL and wait to see what happens. My idea is that if you feel like sharing something with the whole (blogging) world, you should not be afraid of what people might think about it. Not even if it is your family.
Besides, maybe they will come to understand you better?
Diandra recently posted..Is there a neat word for going grocery shopping while hungry
Why I don’t think the 2 blog theory is a good idea.
1. Too time consuming
2. Why should you have to make a blog just for your family?
3. It will probably lack, because you will do this one and not “feel” like doing the other so much.
4… TOO TIME CONSUMING.
——————————————————————————————————–
Besides I think if you password protect. You don’t have to tell them at all that its to keep them out.
Like I said before, you can just say the password protected pages are personal blogs towards other friends, or a conversation between them. That it has nothing to do with your family.
If its a lie, well to bad. We all tell lies to keep the ones we love from being hurt. Thats life. If anyone knows of someone who never tells white lies to save others….. I wanna meet them. Cause I’ve never met one before.
Jaimie- Lyn Oldfield recently posted..
Blocking your family from reading your blog would only cause them to become more inquisitive about it. Making them wonder “WHY” you blocked them. Password protecting your posts would also cause them to be inquisitive. And I don’t think that either of these options is a ‘healthy’ course to pursue.
I would NOT mention your blog again to them. Chances are they will forget about it. But, should they ask, then I think it is best to be truthful. Explain to them that your blog is YOUR place to express yourself – your feelings, your thoughts about Life, Family, and everything else in the Universe. Tell them that they will find both good, bad and otherwise written there. And they may read some things that may upset them.
Should they read your blog and get upset about something, then remind them that THEY are the ones that ask to see it. That you didn’t ‘invite’ them to read it. That they were warned about the content. And that you don’t want any derogatory comments or lectures.
A person has to set limits with other people – family and friends alike. If we don’t stand up for ourselves, no one else will either. I have had to set limits with my mother-in-law. She is very overbearing and ‘expects’ people to do for her or cater to her every whim. She was making my life miserable. I had finally had enough and told her NO. She didn’t like it and still doesn’t. But I am a happier person. And THAT is what matters. Your Happiness.
Jeanne Gripp recently posted..Fun with Puns
This is a tough situation, and one reason why I have been so hesitant to create a more personal blog of my own. I think what may be best is to have certain posts password protected and if someone that you don’t want reading those posts asks you to see it, you then have the option of being completely honest and truthful or simply stating those are more private posts that you would rather not get out to the world.
Ginny recently posted..How To Make a Baby
Wow – you are in a sticky situation.
I don’t know you at all, since I’ve only just been introduced to your wonderful blog. But, these are my thoughts ~ if you wanted to keep it personal and unsensored, then I would tell them that after much thought, I want to keep it private from family, just because. You already sound like you have an uneasy relationship – so one more issue isn’t going to make much difference – they’ll get over it. Life is too short to pantsy around people at times.
If you want them to read it and be involved, but only the posts you do want them to see, then block them from those bits and do the password thing.
And yep, maybe they will forget about it before you have to decide… if you haven’t already.
Can I say one other thing? I am perhaps way out of line, but I’m going to say it anyway :O) give your son a good kick up the behind… I hate hearing kids being disrespectful to their prents.
Hope you find some resolve soon. I’ll be thinking about ya. X
Abi Monroe recently posted.. Proudly owned by two pigs
I’m not really sure how to advise you. I’ve not told any of my family or friends that I have a blog because I don’t want them to read it. I know that one person I am semi-friendly with IRL is a follower on my blog but I don’t know that she’s put together who I am IRL. Sometimes it’s best to just come clean and tell them either that you don’t really want them to read it or just say I’ll give you the URL but that they need to realize that it is a place where you can vent and that they need to not hold anything you have written or will in future write, against you. I wish you the best.
blessings
~*~
Laura recently posted..two days worth long
Hi Wendy,
Well, it’s your blog and it’s your decision what to write or not to write. Maybe it’s time for your family to see/read your honest thoughts — maybe then they understand you better.
As for meeting people online, well, I have written letters to people from all over the world since my early teens (when my English was good enough to communicate). Over the years, I have met quite a few of them in real life — either here in Munich or somewhere abroad. Through letters and later emails I might have gotten to know them on a deeper level than mere acquaintances around here. So, yes, real friendships can start in such a way. Some of them end again — but that’s life. You know the old saying — for a reason, for a season, for a lifetime. With some friends, I would have thought that the friendship will last for a lifetime, but then it wasn’t meant to be.
Anyway, I tend to write private things in emails or letters rather than on my blog. Thus I only address the person for whom the information is meant. You are by far more open, so I guess that works better for you. Just listen to your heart, Wendy, and do whatever YOU — and YOU alone — feel good about.
Love,
Birgit
I was going to read all the comments first, but you have too many friends Wendy. So, if I repeat what somebody else has said, do excuse me.
First off, I’m going to have to be frank. The impression I get is that you’re allowing yourself to be the victim of your own perceived need to ‘belong’ to the family. The result is that they’re in control of your reactions, however unwittingly, and you’re in defensive mode. I can’t help feeling that you need to wrest control back, although I know it isn’t easy. The fact that you can talk freely about Alex’s shortcomings, and that you can argue openly with him in company, suggests to me that you’re not in awe of him. Neither should you be; you know that, I’m sure. The problem is fear – fear of being rejected if you hold your own ground and just be who you are. I don’t see how you’re going to get over this ongoing situation with your family until you get over the big dilemma – equating the concept of caring for your family with the fear of losing their approbation and acceptance.
So what do you do about the blog? I understand why you feel the way you do. I was a little taken aback when I realised that my friend Rob was reading mine. It occurred to me that I was saying things to a distant audience that I might not want to say to somebody I know personally. I think we’re all aware of the image we know people have of us, and the great thing about a blog is that we can be totally free to project a truthful image and let these distant people stay or go as we wish. The ones who stay eventually get closer, and they do so in the knowledge of who we are. Those who have known us personally for a long time have an image of us that has been essentially more ‘manicured’ by what we’ve been prepared to reveal and what we haven’t. Such a person might have their image shattered by reading a public blog, and it’s easy to see that prospect as a threat. I decided not to worry about Rob reading my blog. If it changes his image of me, so what. And, of course, in the case of your family, there’s the added dimension of personal reference involved. Frankly, I don’t see how you can allow them to read your blog unless you fully conquer your fear of them rejecting you. And your blog mustn’t be censored. The freedom to say what you want is probably the best benefit you get from it.
I think you should ignore the issue for the time being. They might never ask for the URL again. If they do, I think you need to explain to them that there’s private stuff in there that you don’t want family members reading. If somebody close told me that, I would understand perfectly. If Alex and your father don’t, the worst they’re likely to do is sneer. So let them. You’re in charge of who you allow to read your blog. From what you say in this post, though, my guess is that your father at least will understand and accept your decision. It might even afford an opportunity to have a heart-to-heart with him over your concerns.
Sorry this is long winded. It might not even make sense.
Dear Wendy – So sorry to hear of your dilemma. It does seem to me that your father has a genuine interest in your blog and that’s a good thing. It seems as though he’d like to learn more about you and your life. I am rather surprised at some of your son’s concepts of blogging and email connections. I have made some WONDERFUL friends in this way. In fact – I actually met my husband ONLINE. Yes, indeed.
And I didn’t immediately speak with him – but instead forged a connection immediately through the written word. Some people can more effectively and intimately express themselves through the written word. I agree that perhaps a password-protect is the best route. You can explain to your family that your blog is also kind of a like a diary – and that some passages are very private and that no one has access to them except for yourself (even though that might be a slight fudging of the truth). I hope I have helped in small way. Big hugs to you! Theresa
Theresa recently posted..Crazy About Copper
Wendy, you do have some difficult decisions to make! First, I want to say that I fully agree with what you said about blog friendships. I have felt connected with you and others that I have met in the blog world. Honestly, I paint/work at home, and rarely get out to “socialize”. I’ve lost touch with most of my friends, since I have devoted so much time and enrgy to my business. My blog friends have become important to me, and when I lost my kitty, they were more there for me with comfort and love than any “real” friend. My blog friends are very real and dear to me.
I’ve tried to put myself in your shoes, to decide how to handle the family situation. Honestly, my Mom has read my blog since day one, and thus my blog has stayed mainly art focussed. My blog is not as personal as yours, but that is what I so love about you! I know you don’t want to hurt anyone, and I would be so uncomfortable if my family got ahold of my journal and read it (that’s basically what your blog is). On the other hand, to create another blog that had nothing real in it about you, would seem not even worth the read. Your family wouldn’t be able to understand why you believe in blogging, and why you have so many blog friends based on this secondary blog. I say, let them see it! Explain that it’s personal, and some feelings are written in the moment, and are not neccesarily how you really feel about them. It’s merely an outlet for all of your thoughts. I feel that your son needs to see the support you get on this blog, and maybe it will help him understand you. Whatever direction you decide to take, know that this too shall pass, and we are here for you!
Wendy,
Please ask yourself these questions:
1. If you turely want to repair (any) relationship, can you do that with lies and secrets?
2. If postions were reversed, would you want your son to censor himself?
I have not delt with this situation as yet, because I have not told my family about my blog. That being said, I’ve been blessed with an incredible family, and can’t see any of them not supporting me. I’ve chosen not to share with them yet due to my own insecurities. I find it’s easier to talk to ‘strangers’, sometimes.
I can tell you that my plan for when I ‘go public’ is to warn them that my blog is an un-censered, un-edited journy into myself, and as such expreses both possitive and negative aspects of my life, thoughts, and feelings.
My advise to you: Don’t compromise. You deserve truth, yours and theirs. If they can’t accept what you are feeling or thinking, they should all be mature enough to not read your blog. Let them make the choice for themselves.
Good Luck and Blessings
TD
Hello Wendy,
I found this post very interesting to read as I’ve often wondered what I will do once my family realizes or “finds out via a third party” that I have my own blog. The only people who know I have my blog are my husband, my therapist, and my sister-in-law. That’s it… I feel that the more people that know the more I will have to censor my thoughts and the whole point of my blog is to write what I’m feeling – without worrying about hurting anyone’s feelings. Because I was physically abused as a child my Mom has always said to me “I worry that you’ll one day write a book about it”… which I always thought was crazy – but then again, I never thought I’d have a blog either… I’ve made peace with my Mom – but unfortunately the things I went through growing up are still affecting me today (severe PTSD)… and I’m working through it – and I don’t resent my Mom for it at all – but still – if she were to read my blog I know it would still hurt her feelings – even though I hardly talk about her… So I can truly relate… it’s so hard… and for those who DON’T blog (your son) – they can’t understand the wonderful connections people make online – and that just because it’s online doesn’t make them less important, you know? Like you said – many of your friends have moved far away – as have mine (with the exception of a couple dear friends)…
If I were you I would just tell them – “nothing personal but I worry that anything I write you might interpret the wrong way and therefore hurt your feelings… my blogging is like my personal journal – or a support group… (well – that’s what I would say anyway …) I know our situations aren’t the same, but I can relate in some way…
I’ll have to find if there’s a follow-up post writing about what you decided to do… I know that one day I’ll be in your shoes and it will be helpful to hear what others have done…
Take care,
Christine
Christine recently posted..It Truly is A Wonderful Life
Hi Christine, I’m so sorry you had an abusive childhood, my mother was also physically and emotionally abusive and I hate to say it but I started to finally feel free when she passed on. She would have been furious to read some of my blog posts. My father and stepmother would be extremely passive aggressive about it and pull one of their stunts, which is why I set up a dummy blog just for them and put the posts I know they wouldn’t get upset about it. I’m sure they found something anyway to be upset about it, but like you this is one of the few places in my life along with my therapist that I feel free to say what’s going on for me and meet friends that I normally wouldn’t be able to meet in the day to day life. And my son will probably never understand about the real connections that happen through blogging, he’s more into Facebook, but whatever : ) I’m so glad that we’re getting to know each other more. And look forward to hearing about your furbabies too!