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I haven’t been in a major depressive episode for a long time but now I feel one coming on and it hurts really badly. I think with all the moving, I’ve been preoccupied but now that I’m all settled my old “friend” is back with a vengeance. I wake up every morning feeling incredibly lonely and weepy even though I’ve been keeping relatively busy with volunteering at a Raptor Rehabilitation Center which I love. Volunteering there is what’s kept me feeling alive and in awe of life.
But still my chemical compounds are really making it hard for me to wake up every morning. I’m not feeling suicidal or anything like that, I’m just in a lot of pain, spiritually, emotionally and physically. I was feeling so good for a while when I first moved into my apartment but now all the happiness seems to have been leached out. As I write this Sele (one of my kitties) is purring on my lap and she and Miss Bella have been keeping me grounded and help me to just love.
I do miss my house still and the routines I had and finding new ways to live has been a real challenge. I haven’t found any new paths that are bringing me a deep contentment. I do love my little apartment and living in the city where I do, I feel blessed. It’s just a fact that people who have clinical depression hit really low low’s and that’s where I’m at right now. I’ve been trying really hard to fight it but it’s caught up with me.
I”m sorry this is such a downer post but my blog is one of the fewest places where I feel free to express myself and feel connected with those of you who still read my blog. IF you’re on blogger my blog hasn’t been showing up on your feeds, which I found out today. I’ve been wondering where all my blogging friends have been and now I know. Because I”m on WordPress, Blogger has snubbed me <grin>. So, if you want to still read my latest adventures you’ll have to re-enter my blog’s url on your google reader. If you’re a new reader, welcome.
Thanks for being out there and always supporting me and I’ll keep you updated with everything going on as you are all a life support system.
© 2012, Wendy S.. All rights reserved.
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I hope those brain chemicals do an about-face and starting swinging upwards! Do they need a nudge from the doctor? In the meantime, pamper and pet those lovely cats of yours and know that you have bloggy friends who wish you well!
Thank you bloggy friend and to HRH. My kitties appreciate all the help and support from her and she also makes me smile too. Good medicine!
I’m sorry you are feeling this way Wendy. I feel that you will get past it soon. It’s so hard to start again in a new place, but I still feel that you will thrive there. Just keep making an effort to get out everyday and connect with your new environment /home. Let your kitties heal you in their own wonderful kitty way. Been thinking about you and sending you good energy.
I do trust that eventually I’ll thrive it’s just surviving sucks, Aine. Your reading for me was so positive and I trust your wisdom. Thanks for everything.
Hey girl, I’m glad that you speak about this openly on your blog. I sometimes wish I had the courage to speak about my own struggles with depression on my own blogs but….well from time to time I sneak my reality in the mix with the grands, donkeys and polka dots.
I wish I could say that I understand and to a point I do, but everyone’s depression is different and only you know how the ride is. The advice given above is all good and sound.
Be as well as you can, drink lots of water, (honest it helps me, I’ll email you the long story) and love yourself. Love you darling girl. Oma Linda
Linda you are very brave with what you share on your blog with struggles most of us will never experience and I really appreciate all your honesty and courage. Thank you for being a wonderful friend and role model in helping me get through the dark times and enjoying the sun when I can.
You know I’m sending you massive hugs from over the pond!
Thanks for the hugs, I received them!
I’m so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way, Wendy. Do know that there are many who care about you. Like me.
Sending hugs your way. How wonderful it must be to be volunteering at a raptor center! I am certain it does bring you great joy. And indulge yourself in some purrfect love from Sele and Miss Bella. I am fortunate that I receive notices of your posts via email, although I have had a horrible time keeping up to date with everyone lately. 
My apologies to you. Smile and stay strong…hopefully this feeling will pass soon.
No apologies needed from you my friend. I know you think of me all the time and I feel your sweetness and light. Thank you for supporting me in the good and bad times. Sending love back.
Awww sweetie…. sending love, hugs, and purrs your way. Depression is such a beast and so difficult to tame sometimes. I get that way several times a year and find that I dig myself into such a deep hole, that I wonder how I will ever find my way back out. The crazy thing, when I really think about it, my life is wonderful. I am blessed with Dan, my family and friends, and my beloved felines.
You are not alone and I am glad you have this blog to share your feelings. We care about you and know you will find your way back to some inner peace soon. Give the girls extra love and pets from me.
That’s one of the most horrible things about depression, is having a life that’s full of love and beauty and not being able to cherish it because of the darkness isn’t it? Still really struggling to stay afloat but the kitties definitely make a huge difference!
::hugs:: ::purrs:: Hang in there! I’ve been having the same thing going on so it may be the time of year. People are supposed to feel better in the summer, right? ::rueful smile:: Try getting some sun (but with tons of sunscreen! no matter your skin type you can still get melanoma!) and see if that helps any. Make sure you tell your pdoc about how you feel although I know how hard that can be sometimes. Like another poster said, water!! Think of yourself as the beautiful flower you are and water yourself! ::grin:: Fresh fruit is good as well and golly gee whiz! ‘Tis the season! ::weg:: And know that even if all of them don’t post, there are people out there thinking of you and sending your purrs & prayers & energy & lottsa love.
Thanks Kat for your purrs, I always need them. I know I get Summer blues and that they’re just as painful as the whole holiday time seasons. Water and sun, I know I don’t get enough of both and always a good reminder to keep on drinking and sunning.
I am sorry to hear your sinking down into depression. I too face the same problem perhaps there is something in the universe causing us to be on a downward wind at the moment. I hope the wind changes and we both go up and stay up for a ery long time.
Me too Sharon! Enough already with the dragging down of whatever the Universe is pushing our way. It’s one thing to have situational depression and then another where the cosmos aren’t helping along. Sending you blessings of light.
Please know that the energies in the universe are shifting and changing at rapid rate and it’s not all chemically compounded for you. Things that had settled at the bottom of your soul may be coming to surface so that you can acknowledge them and release them. This time is about great release and letting go. The past two months have seen incredible changes and shifts. Now these energies are beginning to reach us and in order for us to receive all the amazing energy that is coming in we have to release the old in order to make space for the new. Good luck to you, and flow forth with much peace. xo
Wow, couldn’t have said it better about all the changes on a metaphysical level. I already have so much going on internally that it makes perfect sense the Universe is pushing that right along. I tell you, it’s exhausting though. I get glimpses now and then of what may be but then they’re all washed away by the churning of the waters. Thanks for letting me know about the cosmic scheme of things.
Suffering from Cyclothymia I am all to familiar with the depths of depression. I will never say “I understand what you’re going through” because each persons swim in the dark waters is a different experience. The only thing I can say to my fellow swingers (mood swingers that is) is that in all of my years of this I have learned that if I struggle in those waters, I drown. If I let the current carry me it lasts for a shorter period and the pain is less intense.
Sigh…being stuck in such dark waters as you know is one of the worst feelings and holidays of any type seem to reactivate any progress I seem to be making. I know we both struggle with a crazy mood disorder and thanks as always for being so honest and supportive.
I am always sending you love and light, Clan Daughter, so that you’ll have a stockpile during a depression storm. You’ve made a very major move, love, that folks stress out from who don’t even have depression. And, on top of that, you’ve become a Raptor Rescue volunteer…how absolutely awesome is that! Remember when all the hawks nested in my big Pines in the backyard? Well, I called your group when a baby hawk fell out of the nest and was too small to survive alone. The volunteer came immediately and was so great…they saved my beloved hawk baby…and they let me know later that she had survived and was released! Congratulations for being part of such a wonderful group of caring people…just like yourself
Please give Sele and Miss Bella scritches and tummy kisses from me…and when you come here, you can snuggle with Mr. Kaluha Kitty, my Maine Coon baby. I have you to thank for dragging me to the shelter 15 years ago to see the mama cat & kittys you wanted, who were already adopted; it was that day my heart was stolen by a big, black, golden eyed feline, named Willy…and I’ve never been the same since…and all you did was laugh every time I mentioned it. Well, I’m mentioning it again and I hope you found a little smile this time around. Waiting to hug you, my daughter.
Hi Clan mother, your words are so soothing and really make a difference in my depression. Yes, the Raptor Center does amazing work and I’m glad that they were able to help a hawk baby of “yours.” I would love to visit you and your new Kaluha kitty!