PrintI was going to share a few of my favorite Yule/Christmas books and then I went to the pet store and after walking out, I couldn’t even think straight. The pet store has some kitties that are just waiting to be adopted and when I see them, stretching their paws out to me and just begging to be loved, I get incredibly depressed because they don’t have homes and I feel so helpless. I definitely am going to adopt another kitty someday, but it’s a delicate balance.
Right now, there’s such a nice chemistry between the girls and I and I’m worried that if I brought another kitty home, it would be devastating to the girls and I worry that they’ll think I don’t love them anymore. I know this probably sounds crazy to a lot of people out there, but my “girls” are just not “pets” to me. I love them as any parent does with their human children. I’d like to tell you about a very “special” furbaby named Tabitha who’s been on my mind a lot lately and as painful as it is to think about her not being here anymore I feel need to write about my experience with her.
Tabitha's last day alive, lying in her favorite spot being warmed by the sun.
I’ll never forget the year of 2004 and how I kept having these same dreams over and over where I was telling people I would be doing hospice work. I had never done any hospice work before, but I’ve always felt there’s something very sacred and spiritual death and dying and could see myself involved with that path somehow. One October day, I was getting my hair done and this woman came in with three kittens in a box and she told me that the mother kitty had been killed by a car and that these were her babies. The woman couldn’t keep them for some reason or another. I said, I’ll just take a peek at them, and the rest is history. I fell in love with one of these kittens in particular and that was “Tabitha.”
Tabitha was a tiny, mewing three week old kitten and I knew I had to take her home with me. I had never had such a tiny, fragile baby before to take care of. Kittens shouldn’t be separated from their mothers any time less than at least six to eight weeks, so I was really scared that I wouldn’t know how to take care of her because she was so young.
This isn't Tabitha but this is exactly what she looked like.
But, being the crazy cat woman that I am, I learned everything I could about how to take care of a baby kitten (bottle-feeding etc..) and we bonded like no other cat I’ve had before. She would tuck herself as close as she could to my neck every night and stay curled up there until morning. We became each others security blanket.
I was going through a really, really difficult time when I found her. My son had just moved away from home to attend boarding school for the first time and a boy-friend who I had been seeing for six months abruptly broke up with me. I was feeling really lost and fragile until Tabitha came along. Of course, my sadness about my son and ex b.f. didn’t vanish when I brought Tabitha home, but I was so happy and in love with my new furbaby, my life didn’t seem as harsh and depressing.
When she was about a month old, I had another dream where I was telling someone I was doing hospice work again! I pay attention to my dreams and did some research to see where I could volunteer as a hospice worker. I called the local hospice center and said I’d like to volunteer and was asked to come in for an interview. Right when I sat down to talk with my would be supervisor EVEN before she started talking, I knew I didn’t like her. You know how you just are repelled by someone’s energy without knowing them? It felt like my hackles were rising and I didn’t even know why. So, she asked about my experiences, my strengths, etc…Somehow, the conversation became about animals and I told her about Tabitha and how much I loved her.
The woman (I can’t remember her name, so I’ll call her M.), looked at me as if I had leprosy after that. She said to me, “Oh, I don’t like animals at all and have never had a pet before in my life and I’ve never allowed my children to have any pets. They’re all dirty and horrible.” Ummm, I should have gotten up right there and then and walked out of that counseling center so quickly but I didn’t. Red flags came immediately up but I was so interested in doing Hospice work, I suppressed my feelings of an intense dislike for her and signed up for the volunteer work I came in for.
"M's" silent and horrible thoughts about cats.
I won’t even associate myself with anyone who doesn’t like animals. I’m not talking about when someone has allergies and they can’t be around animals, but when they outright dislike them, I refuse to have anything to do with them. I know this sounds extreme to many, but that’s who I am and I had never, ever met a person before this supervisor who was so adamant about hating animals. Even though I had a lot of misgivings about volunteering under her supervision, I decided to commit to counseling others in whatever way possible. “M” told me that I would be working with another woman leading groups for people who had just lost a loved one to cancer. I was ready to do it! I signed the paperwork, met my co-leader and gritted my teeth when I had to talk to my supervisor.
Previous to my interview, that same week, Tabitha started eating less and just not acting healthy and happy. So, I took her to veterinarian for some blood work and to see what the problem could be. The night I came home from my interview, my vet. left a message on my phone in this really low voice and said, “Wendy, it’s not good. Tabitha has cancer and she probably won’t live very long.” I literally fell to the floor, keening loudly and crying until I made myself sick. This is going to sound horrible I know to a lot of people, but I had a worse reaction to this news than when I found out my mother had cancer. I called back my vet. and asked her for treatment options. She told me about both holistic options and chemotherapy and said while Tabitha would probably never be fully cured from cancer, she could have a happy and good quality life with treatment. Tabitha had to start treatment right away because she was pretty sick and probably had some tumors.
I was desperate to do anything to keep my baby alive as long as she wasn’t in too much pain. I called up my Dad and step-mom (who are also huge animal lovers) and cried hysterically on the phone as I told them about Tabitha’s illness. As much as I complain about my parents, they have always been incredibly supportive when I’m having a crisis, esp. when it involves my pets. My father and step-mother told me that they would pay for Tabitha’s chemotherapy. I was incredibly grateful because I had found out how much chemotherapy for an animal can cost and thanked them over and over again.
I was in a kind of shock really about Tabitha and thinking about her dying and everything around me that night started to feel surreal and strange. I was scheduled to start my hospice counseling the next day (on Friday) and just knew I couldn’t do it. There was no way that I would be strong enough to be there for others when I was such a mess. I kept trying to call my supervisor all the next day but I couldn’t get a hold of her. I reached the woman who would be co-leading the group with me and told her, that I just couldn’t be there to start that night and was horribly apologetic and that I kept calling our supervisor but couldn’t reach her.
I didn’t hear back from my supervisor all that weekend, which was just as well, because I was still reeling from the news about Tabitha. I set up a prayer altar and I begged, pleaded and prayed to Spirit to let Tabitha live and be completely cured from Cancer. I started to write, read and chant positive affirmations about Tabitha being healthy. I went onto every website I could to learn more about the alternative and holistic treatments my Vet. had talked with me about for Tabitha.
I found websites where you can leave a prayer about a pet if they’re lost or sick, etc..and people would pray for them. I mean I did everything I could think of in hopes of finding out how to cure Tabitha. When I was on the floor mad with sadness, I heard this voice inside me that wasn’t my normal everyday voice saying “Wendy, Tabitha won’t ever be healed from this but she will live longer than you expect and what you need to do now is to learn to let go.” (I now know my Angels are here with me all the time and that they always speak out of a place of love and wisdom, even when there’s a harsh lesson to learn.) At that point though I was thinking, ‘What, letting go? What the hell does that mean?”
I wasn’t going to let go and just accept that Tabitha wouldn’t live a long and healthy life with me. But I knew, no matter how much I fought it, there was a spiritual lesson I needed to learn to survive this ordeal. And I do mean survive. I was watching the television later on that night and of course synchronicity came into play as there was a “spiritual healer” on a channel who worked with pet owners and their pets who had a terminal illness or were about to die because of old age and health issues. She said, that our animals are extremely sensitive to anything we’re feeling and that if we’re distressed about something than the animal picks that up and starts feeling it too. Especially when they’re ill, the owner has to be as calm, loving and reassuring as possible with their pet or it could stress them out more and possibly make them sicker.
So, my prayers changed to Spirit from “Please, just save Tabitha” to “Please, I’m begging you for the strength to trust that I can take care of Tabitha in the way that she needs most right now and have the courage to face each day knowing that it may be her last.” Was I able to feel this right away? Absolutely not, but I “acted as if” and was determined that I would do whatever it took to be as stable and conscious as possible so Tabitha’s days, however many she had left would be as happy as possible. I still broke down crying when I thought about Tabitha dying but I became more focused and calm after all that.
I took her to her first chemotherapy appointment on Saturday which was really difficult for Tabitha in so many ways. Most cats and some dogs hate going in a car away from their house and it causes a lot of stress for both the people they own and themselves. Tabitha was crying so pitifully in the car, I was doing everything I could to keep driving to the Vet. instead of rushing her back home. I was referred to a new veterinarian who specialized in working with animals in cancer and the center was about an hour and a half away from my house. But I was told from many different sources, she was the best and I knew this immediately when I met her.
She just radiated this warmth, serenity and intelligence which eased my heart right away. I knew Tabitha would be in good hands. She looked at Tabitha and she said, “Oh, she really loves you, look at how she looks at you.” While her saying this didn’t make me feel better right away, I became more peaceful because when I focus on love not fear, that’s when the true magick happens. She took the X-Rays and did more blood work to see how advanced Tabitha’s illness was and said she would call me on Monday with the results.
Early Monday morning, I finally heard from my supervisor over at the hospice center. She said to me immediately “Wendy, I’m sorry but you’re fired. You left us all in a lurch, I had to lead the group because of your late notice and anyone who decides that they would rather take care of a sick animal over working with grieving people will never make a good counselor. It’s just as well, I found out about this now than later.” I apologized profusely to her and told her that I am very reliable, she could contact my former employers to see this and I would be there for the next group I was supposed to lead on Wednesday night. No, she was adamant she didn’t want to see me again or hear from me again.
After I hung up from her, I was really, really pissed off. I called my parents and told them what my supervisor had said and how she fired me. They were incredibly empathetic and supportive and said, that it was just as well that I wasn’t working with her because anyone who dislikes animals the way that she did, would not be the right employer for me. I started to feel like something was wrong about the choice I made about Tabitha before I talked to my parents but after our conversation, I knew I did the right thing staying home with Tabitha and I wasn’t a horrible person or incompetent counselor.
The first month after Tabitha’s first chemotherapy treatment, her Vet. called me and said, “I can’t believe this, but Tabitha’s tumor which was huge, has been reduced by 80%! That’s unusual because of her advanced illness” I started to get caught with all my thoughts trying so desperately to believe that everything would be fine, according to how I wanted it to be. I started to obsess with my thoughts that Tabitha would be completely cured and live a long and happy live with me. I know when I start to become too attached to an outcome I want to happen, I start getting obsessed with the future and can’t let go of my desires which always causes more anxiety and stress. I lose my center of faith and misplace my spiritual relationship to Spirit which leaves me feeling even more depressed and hopeless. Once again, I heard that inner voice saying, “Wendy, don’t get caught up in the outcome, just focus on your path now with Tabitha to help her and detach, detach, detach..”
There’s only so much that we can control the outcome of and this was one of those times, where I had to couldn’t control what would happen to Tabitha. I didn’t stop praying, meditating or stop any of Tabitha’s medical treatments, I just had to really acknowledge, that there’s only so much I could do. It was all about living in the moment instead of getting entangled with the memories of the past or wishing for a tomorrow that may never happen. One was already gone and the other hadn’t even happened yet. All we ever really have is the NOW.
“Living in the moment brings you a sense of reverence for all of life’s blessings.” ~Oprah Winfrey~
Unfortunately, Tabitha’s chemotherapy didn’t save her and when she was two months old, I had to say good-bye to her and put her to sleep. When an animal is really sick, it’s hard to say goodbye and have them put to sleep, I understand, believe me I do. Real love is when you do whatever you can to help ease their pain and if necessary say goodbye to them. The last night Tabitha was alive, she was so weak and not eating at anything and her aura was hazy and misty. I had been spoiling her with fresh crab meat ever since she was sick because that’s the only thing she loved to eat with a passion. She wouldn’t even smell the crab meat that night. I knew in my heart, it was time to let go of her, even though my heart felt like it was wrenched out of me.
This was what I had been preparing for ever since her diagnosis. Animals will tell us when they’re ready to go, we just have to be brave enough to hear them.
Time to say goodbye to Tabitha
I held Tabitha as the night-time emergency vet gave her the injection to die. I knew Tabitha was in too much pain to wait until the next day to see her regular Vet. so I brought her to an after-hours emergency vet. I couldn’t stop crying, but held it together and thanked Tabitha for all the love she gave me and told her how much I loved her. When she was gone, I walked out overcome with grief, but I knew I had made the right choice. I couldn’t imagine not keeping some part of her with me, so I had her body cremated and her ashes were sent to me. I still have them and I know that once again, I’ll have to say goodbye to her and bury her.
For a person who doesn’t have a mood disorder, grief and loss are challenging enough and difficult to get through. For a person who has a mood disorder like anxiety, clinical depression or Bipolar disorder, loss and grief can hit ten times harder and send a person spiraling into a really dark and scary place. That’s what happened to me. I wasn’t suicidal or anything like that, but for a year I cried daily over Tabitha and nothing could bring me any happiness.
Someone gave me and I can’t remember who it was a book that changed my life and made a space in the darkness of my grief. It’s called “The Dogs of Babel.” I won’t go into the details, but it’s basically about a woman who has this very beloved dog and then she dies. Whether it was an accident or suicide no one can really guess. Her husband who loved the dog, but not as much as his wife did, becomes extremely attached to this dog which becomes his life-line through the grieving process for his wife. If you read it, you just know that this author really understands how powerfully a person can bond with their pet and that this type of love is special and powerful.
I knew what I had to do next when I wasn’t wracked with grief every day over Tabitha’s death. I bought an extra copy of “The Dogs of Babel” and went to the hospice center where I was supposed to do my counseling work. I called before to make sure my former supervisor was there and told her I wanted to see her to which she agreed. I went to the office and sat down with her with the book in my hand. I said, “You know I can understand your disappointment with me canceling out at the last minute from working and I can even understand how you didn’t understand my reasoning for not showing up as you’ve told me you hated animals. But, that doesn’t stop me from feeling incredibly sorry for you, because you will never, ever understand the power and love that a person and their pet can have and that’s pathetic to me. I brought you a gift which I think will help YOU become a better counselor and whether you read it or not, I have no control of. But, I don’t regret my decision to stay home and take care of my cat. You blew it, as I know I could have helped a lot of people especially with their grief.” And I walked out, never looked back and never had any contact with her again.
I couldn’t even think of getting another cat because I was still so devastated about losing Tabitha for the longest time. But eventually I felt ready to welcome a new furbaby (or two as the case turned out) into my life.
Miss Bella and Sele peeking out from a drawer first day home
I decided to go to my local animal shelter and just see if any of the kitties “called” to me to take them home. There were two little girl kittens who were litter-mates, playing in this cage. One was a very active and playful black and white kitten who was bouncing all over this very calm and quiet black kitten who had a white diamond patch right on her chest. I knew they were meant for me to adopt. Miss Bella and Sele saved my life. I don’t know any other way to put it. I grew to love them as much as I did Tabitha and continue to love them more and more each day. They’re not replacements for Tabitha and a very sacred place in my heart will always be dedicated to her.
Sele
But, I still feel the loss of Tabitha deeply and wish I had the chance to know her longer. I believe in spirits, both animals and humans. And I swear every now and then, I’ll feel Tabitha’s presence and know that she’s happy I have Miss Bella and Tabitha in my life. So, call me crazy if you want, but sometimes craziness when it comes to animals, isn’t such a bad thing. How can it be if we can give and know so much love?
Miss Bella walking the catwalk
So, my dreams were right. I did end up doing a type of hospice work with Tabitha, just not in a way I ever thought of and hope I never have to do again. I know though that with every animal we love, we eventually have to say goodbye when their time here is over. I don’t think it ever gets easier though with each goodbye we have to say to do, knowing our furbabies won’t be in our lives anymore.
I know that day will come when I have to say goodbye to Miss Bella and Sele, but the thought of it, is like a hot knife being wrenched in my heart. And I pray for the courage to love them and cherish them, knowing I’ll have to say goodbye to eventually, even if I am blessed enough to know them for many, many years.
Have you ever had to say goodbye to a beloved pet that was really painful? How did you deal with that loss and if you have animals now, how do you prepare yourself knowing that you’ll have to say goodbye to them one day?
Here is a website to help support and comfort anyone who has or is currently having to say goodbye to a beloved pet.
The Rainbow Bridge
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.
All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.
They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.
You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together….
Author unknown…
© 2010 – 2011, Wendy S.. All rights reserved.
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What an amazingly beautiful and articulate post. It was meant for you to meet and care for Tabitha – even if for just such a short while. She changed your life forever. And good for you for telling off that terrible and cold supervisor. I cannot understand people who don’t care for animals, either. I’ve always been around animals and always will be. I’ve lost three beloved pets (two cats and one dog) – and the pain is terrible. We just knew in our hearts that it was time to let our babies go – as they could not tell us how much pain they were feeling. We took in their ashes and buried them in the yard under special trees and shrubs dedicated in their memory. I don’t even like to think of losing my babies Willow and Neo. I fear it but now that eventually it will come time for us to part. But I live in the now with them and enjoy playing with them and learning from them. Thank you again for such a heartfelt post that any animal lover will relate to. By the way, “Dogs of Babel” happens to be one of my favorite books! Theresae
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#Theresa→ Again, the more I know about you Theresa, the more I find we have so much in common, with us both loving “Dogs of Babel.” I think I’m going to eventually bury Tabitha’s ashes too, but I found a really special pet memorial park that reminds me exactly of what The Rainbow Bridge would look like. I like the idea of Tabitha running free with all these other animals. It’s such a beautiful and peaceful place with all these wind chimes and beautiful memorials for pets that were very beloved. And I think you’re right that the best we can do for ourselves and our babies is love them as much as we can in the now and just accept that someday we’ll have to let them go. For me, I noticed that sometimes I am feeling so much love for my girls, that this extreme sadness will wash over me knowing that I can’t “have” them forever, at least not physically. And then I take a deep breath and let myself love them, just love them….
First of all, Wendy, I have to say that I found this a compelling read, probably because I’m just the same way with animals. I, too, find it difficult to understand that some people have no feeling for animals. I try to accept that they simply have brains that aren’t wired that way.
I’ve been through that same process of dealing with a terminally ill pet and having to make the big decision several times. Frankly, I find it impossible to function fully in that situation. I can only grit my teeth and get by. I think I probably told you about Penny’s last Christmas in an e-mail. If I didn’t, I’ll gladly send it. That beautiful, gentle dog taught me some good life lessons that day!
What really impreessed me and made me smile, though, was taking the book to the supervisor. Go you!
#Jeff→ I know we’re a lot alike with that we prefer animals nature much more than most humans. I just read something about people who are really full of fear and hate have more of their repitilian brains taking over as opposed to their more evolved brains. Your comment about a “simple brain” reminded me of that. I’m glad, well not glad that I’m happy that I’m not the only one who has trouble “functioning” when facing the loss of a beloved pet. I don’t know that I’ve ever heard another person besides myself admit that. And not, I haven’t heard about Penny’s last Christmas and I’d be really interested to. So, please let me hear your story about Penny. And I’m glad I made you smile for all of us who are animal lovers when I confronted the wicked witch ; ) Thank you as always for your really thoughtful comment.
I’m sitting here on the couch with the sniffles and a fur baby of my own snuggled up purring against me. I cannot for the life of me understand people who have no love for or a great dislike of animals, it boggles my mind.
Growing up I had a dog named Lady (after Lady and the Tramp) who my parents rescued from the pound when I was around 5. They brought her home, I named her and she and I grew up together. She was my very first fur baby and I loved her so, so much. I lost her to cancer when I was in my early teens. She had been acting funny and we had dropped her off at the vet for an overnight observation and some testing but the vet called just a few hours later to tell my mom she had cancer raging through her and was acting oddly because she was in a great deal of pain… my parents made the decision to have her put to sleep that night and it broke my heart to know that not only was she gone but that she had been alone when she went. I spent nearly a year in mourning, crying over her often but one day I stopped.
I’ve been blessed to love and saddened by the loss of a few friends since Lady, and while it’s never easy, I’ve made it a point to be there for each one of them when their time came to send them off with a hug, a kiss and an acknowledgment that we’ll meet again.
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Oh Danni, I’m so sorry about “Lady” even after all these years I know that the pain truly never goes away when we have to say goodbye to a furbaby. I also had a dog that was two years old and died of cancer. How do you see yourself re-unting with your furbabies? I know it in my soul that we do, but I always love to hear how other people hold that beautiful knowledge. It reminds me kind of that movie “What Dreams May Come” was that the name of the movie with Robin Williams? when he sees his dog that he loved so much running up to him after it died.
Because of you, Tabitha had 2 months of life instead of only 2 weeks. That was a great gift to her. And I’m glad you went back to that supervisor and spoke your truth to her. I hope she read the book and perhaps grew as a person as a result.
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My queen, Che-lin, is staring at me right now. Shes perched in the door way. Just watching me. I’ve been sitting here silently for 10 minutes reading your post. She sits, not talking, just watching. When I get up to go somewhere, she will follow and give a meow like “hey wait up”. When I go to the bathroom, she commonly rushes in so that while I’m in there. I can pet her. and so I have company. LO.L even in the most inappropriate of times, che-lin is there. I can’t imagine her one day not being there.
I know when that days comes (not for a long time I hope, shes only 7) I will be crushed and will not get out of bed for that day or several others. I will die inside when I have to toss out old toys , though I would keep a few keepsakes. And I will break down when I bury her. Che-lin and I aren’t cuddley.. she’s not a cuddly girl unless shes the one who wants cuddles. she’s the boss. But she is my protector and comforter. When I’m upset she knows. and she’ll sit and watch me and wait for me to pet her. she usually does at that point.
The reason I know how hard it will hurt when che goes is because she and I went through an already hard heartbreak.
About 5 years ago, Che-lin got outside (she’s an indoor gal) and decided to have a bit of fun. And not long after we realized she was pregnant. I was really excited. I had no plans to keep the kittens, I’d be finding them all homes when they got older, but being a mom was exciting.
Anyways, I stopped calling her Che and started calling her ‘momma cat’ to show her how excited I was and to express that I thought she’d be a good mom.
She showed me where she was going to have the kittens when it was time (In my bottom dresser drawer, yippee) and I watched her through the birth. Che-Lin gave birth to 4 gorgeous babies. and she did a great job feeding them and cleaning them and taking them all around eventually.
She let me play with them as soon as they were born. She trusted me and knew I’d never hurt them. They were my babies as well.
After about 2 weeks and their eyes were just barely opened I came home and my mom was upset. Che-lin was running around the house crying. I asked what was wrong and my mom told me “I think one of the babies got killed, something must have fallen on it. It’s dead ” Tears in her eyes, she showed me the baby kitten. He was dead. It was sad. She had removed it from the other kittens just in case. She wasn’t sure. I asked if Che had seen the kitten yet and she said no. SO I took the baby to Che and let her examine the tiny kitty. After a few licks and nudges , she gave it one last look, looked at me and trotted off to her other babies.
She knew it was dead and so she abandoned it to be with her other alive kittens. Now This is in the middle of winter mind you, the ground is frozen. I live in Canada. No shovel was making it through the ground. SO I wrapped the baby in a satin cloth and put it into a box and into my freezer. I would bury it when the ground un froze.
A few days later Another baby was dead. Abandoned by the foot of my bed, Che moved the other kittens away from it. Apparently mother cats will do that to avoid threat of disease to the other kittens.
This really upset me. The first one I accepted as it simply wasn’t meant to be. But two kittens? Nothing fell on this one. I examined the kitten myself and noticed it had fleas. SO I took the babys and che and bathed them all and tried to get rid of all the fleas I could just incase that was the problem. Then I called the vet and asked what I could do, she said there was nothing I could do. they were to young for flea medications. I begged her for help or for the number of someone who could help…. To no avil. I was on my own. about 2 days later, the remaining two kittens are about 3 weeks old now. One is grey and I call her Smart girl, cause she is already up and exploring and her eyes were open first and her ears. The other baby is long furred and black. I never got the chance to think of an appropriate name for her. Her breathing became shallow that afternoon and she started slowing down..Eventually she stopped moving. And she died. I cried. All I had left was my che and my smart girl, my fav of the kittens. The next day, I woke up and che had gone to eat or drink. I put my pillow on the floor and started talking to smart girl. She was very lethargic and I knew what was coming. I already started to cry.
I’m tearing up as I type this. I can’t believe how sad this story still makes me.
I laid her on my pillow and my head beside her and just watched her… she couldn’t mew, she was to tired to do so. She couldn’t walk around, she tried and just kinda wobbeled and flopped. I watched her, for about 15 minutes just laying there struggling to breath. Until I saw her take her last tiny little breath. a little mucus bubble came out of her mouth and that was it, she pee’d herself, the poor thing and was dead, on my pillow beside me. I bawled. FOR DAYS. And I wasn’t the only one. Che-lin my poor baby queen walked around for a month crying for her kittens searching for them. She knew though, that I put them in the freezer. She watched me place them in there one by one, i showed her so she understood.
and when spring came I took them out, let her sniff the box, and went to the bath yard to bury them. Our 4 baby angels.
If I can be this upset still over those kittens, I only just knew briefly. I cannot imagine the pain I will feel when I loose my Che.
She’s still staring at me from the door and it’s taken me like 20 minutes to type this out between boutso f wiping my nose and eyes lol.
Shes great,. I love my kitty girl.
anyways heres some pictures of Che-lin and the kittens then and one of Che now
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=460990750965&set=a.4236725965.7338.514195965
and
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=460990745965&set=a.4236725965.7338.514195965&pid=6003103&id=514195965
So yea, I think I feel ya Wendy
Jaimie- Lyn Oldfield recently posted.. Yule Log 2010
Holy, Sorry for the novel Wendy. :/
Jaimie- Lyn Oldfield recently posted.. Yule Log 2010
YOu can delete it as son as you read it so it doesn’t take up space. i just wanted to share m story with you.
Jaimie- Lyn Oldfield recently posted.. Yule Log 2010
Thank you for sharing such a moving story, Wendy.
It makes me wonder how a person, the supervisor, could work in a setting with emotionally vulnerable people and not be compassionate for ALL living creatures.
My Labrador travelled with me through all of my biggest life hurdles. He was the one constant in my life and he died in my arms on the kitchen floor 4 years ago. I still miss him.
Lyn recently posted..V is for Vanish
#Lyn→ I’ve never heard about your Lab before. I think you nailed it when you said he was your one “constant.” Those of us who have had really chaotic and traumatic childhoods, like you and I have had, certainly never had a reassuring and stable human connections with our family and so our pets become our families. And they always do provide that love that we don’t seem to receive as easily from our bio. families. I think it’s a blessing you gave him that he could be with you when he died, even though that must have been heart-wrenching for you. It’s the least we can do for them (our furbabies) isn’t it after all the love they’ve given us?
Wendy,
I shouldn’t have read this at work. Now I have to explain why I’m sitting here fighting tears.
I’m so sorry you had to experience that pain. I’ve had multiple pets all my life and I’ve been through their loss may times. The most recent was our German Shep/Chow Chow, Simba. She was 15 yrs old when she crossed this past Jan., and because of Cushings, we spent months driving her once a week to her Chiropractic/Accupunture/Physical Therapy. We were very lucky in that she was otherwise healthy and happy until her last night when she left in her sleep at our home. Our biggest comfort is that we know that she couldn’t have been more loved or cherished. We’ve since adopted 4 rescue pets, (I bio’d them on my blog), 2 Boxers and 2 Tabby cats, and although we still miss Sim, there’s little room in our lives left for anything but love an joy.
I know how hard this was to for you to articulte. Thank you so much for your strength, courage, and your truth.
Tammy recently posted..A Refreshing Change of Pace
#Oh Tammy, I don’t know if it’s any easier to say goodbye to a furbaby when we’ve known them so long. I have never had a furbaby for fifteen years so I can only imagine the extreme pain you had to face with saying goodbye to Simba. I think it’s great you and your family were open to Simba receiving alternative and holistic care, so many people I “know” think it’s crazy to treat animals with unconventional methods. My parents have a house in Co. and I’ve heard that actually there’s more alternative Vet.s out there than there are here in California. I hope you blog more about your babies and thank you for also having rescue animals. All my babies are rescue animals themselves and it just kills me to think about all the homeless and wonderful babies out there who need homes.
Hey Wendy, I am so sorry for your loss, believe me I know the heart- wrenching pain that the death of a precious pet can cause. You and Tabitha were kindred spirits that were meant to find each other and even though letting her go has hurt you so much I am sure that it was worth it just to have known and loved this beautiful kitty.
Your post had me in buckets of tears (and I’m sure I’m not the only one). Right now I am having to say goodbye to my beloved rabbits ( will blog about that), earlier this year a stray kitty that adopted us suddenly dissappeared- we miss her so much. But the one that still hurts and probably always will is the death of our darling maltease poddle- Muffin in 2003. We had her for 16 years- she grew up with my sister and I and was a huge part of our lives. She had such a snobby personality but she was devoted to each one of us. She used to sleep in my room until she died because I had a fear of the dark and having her there helped. The last year of her life she was almost blind and had great difficulty walking. One night we couldn’t find her and after searching for half an hour I found her in the pool. I went into shock but I will never forget my sister frantically trying to perform mouth to snout on her. We buried her in her basket on the beach the next day and prayed thanking God for giving her to us. We haven’t had another dog since. My reaction wasn’t what I expected- I never cried I was in shock for weeks and eventually shock turned into numbness. To this day I cannot watch movies about dogs- not even freaking Beethoven!. It just makes me anxious. We will talk and laugh about the funny things Muffin used to do, but whenever I think of her to long I think of the horrible way she died and it literally makes me sick. However, the situation with my rabbits hurts a lot and I can’t stop crying!
My family takes dreams very seriously because on most occasion they mean something. My sister has dreams that are almost like prophecies and she also has visions- she once had a vision warning her of a terrible accident that would have killed her.
It took a lot of courage to go back to that awful women and give her that book- she had it coming for a long time. I also really feel sorry for anyone that hate animals- they are missing out on one of lifes greatest joys.
A beautiful post Wendy- what a wonderful tribute to lovely Tabitha.
Much love
x
#Hi Stephi : ) I know you have an incredibly tender and sensitive heart like I do, not only with our animal babies but also life in general. And I know how much you love your bunnies, I’m SO sorry you have to say goodbye to them. Lyn commented that her Lab was her only constant and I know you’re facing some really hard and difficult struggles right now, so having to say goodbye to your babies must be so painful. I don’t know how well my mental health would be without my babies. I don’t know what I would do if I found one of my babies in the pool dead. I would probably be hysterical. I wish I was there so I could give you a hug and help you find a way to keep your bunnies with you : ( Thank you for another loving and empathetic comment, Stephi, it helps so much to know that there are others out there like you who really get me and have to face such similar struggles even though I wish we didn’t have to have the life challenges we do. Big hugs to you.
A very nice and moving post, Wendy. I was sitting here sniffling and wiping a stray tear or two when you told about the end with Tabitha because just thinking about when that day will come with my boys about KILLS me. My boys are dogs, but they are my best friends. My family laughs at me because I talk to them. Megan is always saying “Mom, you talk to them like you expect them to answer.” I tell her they do answer, but she doesn’t get it. My husband has been known to call me Dr. Doolittle or Ellie Mae because of it. I’ve always had pets. I will always have pets. To me a home without a furry is not a home at all.
Stacy Lynn recently posted..A Little Bing!
I remember when I used to do meme’s reading about how much you love your “boys.” I call my kitties my “girls” and know exactly what you mean when you talk to your babies. And our babies DO answer us, when we talk with them, it may not be in obviously the conventional sense, but of course they understand everything we say. I love watching shows about pet psychics who reveal all these family secrets that they get from people’s pets when no one said a thing. It’s like then the families realize that animals have a lot more wisdom and sensitivity than clearly most humans do ; )
Beautiful story – it’s unfortunate about the supervisor, but I’m losing faith in people/society these days so I’m not surprised. Most people don’t even care for other humans, let alone animals. It’s sad. It’s very difficult when someone is dying (whether human or animal) because we have to distinguish what is about the dying person and what is about us, and often what is better for them is not better for us because it means we will have to say goodbye. Treatment offers a little time to adjust and to prepare and sometimes offers false hope, but mostly if it is used as a way to transition and not overused to the point of prolonging the suffering, it is good. In these cases we now have time to say goodbye. Tabitha was in your life for a reason, and even though it was a brief time, her relationship with you made an impact, and yours with her.
Aine recently posted..Im Just Waiting on a Friend
what an amazing post it really pulled my heart strings, i had a kitty who was so dear to me that i lost ( my gorgeous black kitty saffron) .
Just a little side note to say i shipped your prize earlier this week so it will be well on the way to you, well wishes.
Zoe
http://blessedbeeapothecary.blogspot.com
Zoe recently posted..235th
Hi Zoe,
I love the name “Saffron” for a kitty. Why does it not surprise me that you also had a black kitty? I can’t wait until I get my goodies to open for Christmas, again thank you so much.
A post that tugs at the heartstrings. (I cried buckets while reading it) My heart feels your ache. ♥
Our Furbabies are just that – our Babies. And we need to learn to live more ‘in the moment’. To enjoy the here and now and not worry about what the future holds. We will miss out on many cherished memories if we don’t.
I have lost several of my Kitties over my Life. And it hurts each and every time. Kali was the hardest to let go. I had raised her from the time she was 4 wks old – her Mother had abandoned her. We always bury our pets and then plant something special by their grave. This way their memory lives on….
I can’t bear to go to a shelter or pet adoption center. I would end up bringing all the Kitties home. Every Kitty we have now came to us. Foundlings I call them.
Jeanne Gripp recently posted..A Rare Astrological Event!
#Jeanne Gripp→ My mother actually had a puppy she named “Kali.” I love the idea of planting something for your babies. Perhaps, catnip for mine? And shelters, forget it, I so admire people who can take in foster animals until they’re adopted. I get way too attached to my babies and couldn’t let them go. “Foundling’s” that makes me smile. It reminds me of “Changelings” : )
My heart just breaks reading that your beloved Tabitha was gone after only two months – but it was two loving months you were able to have with her and she with you… I can’t imagine and don’t even WANT to imagine the day my own two babies (cats) will leave this world… I also will never understand anyone who hates animals!?? It’s their loss… My parents never would let us have a pet growing up so I knew that when I was old enough I was going to have my own… and it IS so hard going to a shelter and seeing all the cute yet sad faces of all the animals there begging for you to take them home and love them… to have that unconditional love means everything to me… because I never grew up with a pet I knew that people would declaw their cats … but once I found out declawing a cat is the equivalent to a human being having their finger cut off at the first knuckle there was NO WAY I could do that … I would much rather have beat up furniture than do that to my babies… I understand some people must do that – and if it means they get to live in a happy home and not die in a shelter – than so be it!
I LOVE what you did to your supervisor… I HOPE she read that book… I bet it was hard to keep your mouth shut when she said what she did… and then to FIRE you??? Hello!? You were VOLUNTEERING! AND it’s not like you didn’t try to get a hold of them… I’m sorry – if it was my pet I would have done the same thing – my cats are my LIFE… they are my husband and my babies… and they are so spoiled… and I wouldn’t have it any other way…
I’ve read that poem “The Rainbow Bridge” years ago when my sister-in-law showed me it in a frame with a picture of her cat she grew up with… It’s a truly comforting poem…
Looking at the pictures of Tabitha on her last day made me so sad… I think because she looks so much like one of my cats… It’s a reminder that I need to remind myself to enjoy each and every day I have with my kitties… We recently had a scare with one of them and blood work was done – thankfully the tests came back okay…
It’s great to talk to other animal lovers – because those who do not have pets just do NOT understand…
It’s so pathetic – lol – I hate being away for even a WEEKEND because I miss them too much!!
btw Miss Belle and Sele are A-DOR-ABLE!
OH – and like you – I often think of getting one more cat (hey – one more cat saved from the shelter and given a loving home) but like you I worry how my other two cats would react… after all it’s taken quite some time for these two to finally (for the most part) get along… I wish I could save them all – and I can tell you have that same mindset as well!!
Beautiful post and tribute to Tabitha….
((Hugs))
Christine
Christine recently posted..It Truly is A Wonderful Life
We are SO much alike Christine with our love for our furbabies. That’s one wonderful thin I can say about my mom is that she loved animals as much as I did and we always had at least two kitties and a dog growing up. If I didn’t have pets when I was a child, I think I would have been much more screwed up than I am now ; ) What was the deciding factor for you about getting some kitties? And does your husband love them as much as you do? I honestly get extremely anxious when I think of my girls not being here anymore and as difficult and painful as it was to say goodbye to Tabitha, I know it will tear me apart to say goodbye to Miss Bella and Sele. As Theresa from “Welcome to My World” blog said, is that she stays in the now with her beloved dogs and enjoys them while they’re here. I bet we could talk hours about our love for animals and other things as well. And as for the evil witch supervisor I actually feel very sorry for her as you said she’s missing out from a love that is pure and true. I like my animals a lot more than some of the people I meet. I think there’s a saying “the more I meet people, the more I like my animals” ; )