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I managed to make it through another Thanksgiving without the crushing emotional pain, I usually experience when it’s a holiday. I know a lot of it, had to do with those of you who reach out to me on my blog here like an extended family. I really needed that and still do, because today, I’m feeling really hurt that not one member of my family called me yesterday or today so far, just to say “hi.” And that’s going to hurt for some time.
These last few years, have been an emotional battle up-hill due to medication issues, my continual emotional storms I have to ride with my Bipolar Disorder, especially with a mood disorder. I continually try and reign in my expectations that no matter how much my family loves me, they will never be able to fully support and be there for me the way I still want deep in my heart.
I know how scary it is to even deal with someone who has a mood disorder much less a family member having one. And I guess, I’m more fortunate than most people with mood disorders, where their family refuses to even acknowledge that a mood disorder is really an illness and not just something made up in order to get attention which I’ve been accused of before. My father and step-mother love me, I know that, but when it comes to really trying to talk with me and not at me, about my Bipolar Disorder and how it effects me, they get uncomfortable and just tell me they know I’m doing my best with my psychiatrist and counselor and then they quickly change the subject. My son, who I love more than anything, gets really impatient when I tell him about medication difficulties I’m having and does his own version of dismissing the subject. I’m not angry at any of them. Really, I’m not…
So, I pretty much keep everything on the surface level when I talk to all of them for self-preservation reasons. Rationally, I know that they’re loving me as best as they can and a lot of their issues have nothing to do with me. I know that! But that doesn’t mean I feel any less sad or lonely that I don’t connect with them on a deeper level. And when the holidays come around, I feel a great emptiness and sadness that can’t be filled with external business or rationalizations.
This year, my father and step-mother went up North with my son to spend Thanksgiving with my mother’s side of the family, which is huge. Even though my father and mother divorced when I was eleven, my father has always remained close to her family and they welcomed my step-mother when she married my father with open arms. One big happy family right?
I’ve read enough about mood-disorders to know that genetics play a huge role in determining if one has a mood disorder, well, really any illness. And I’m past the point in my life, where I wail and bemoan my fate about having Bipolar Disorder. But, I’m the only one in my whole family who has a mood-disorder though and that makes me kind of like a pariah.
My mother had undiagnosed Bipolar Disorder and my oldest brother also has Bipolar Disorder, but my mother’s dead and for many, many reasons, I don’t have any type of relationship with my oldest brother. He’s also a drug-addict and has a major sexual addiction problem so that kind of leaves him out of the loop too from being close to the family. Oh, don’t worry about if my family reads this or not, they’re not interested in reading my blog. I have a friend who’s son, who went out of his way to find his mother’s blog and then went on a rant on Facebook about her. I’m not saying that I would ever want this to happen to me but my family isn’t even curious to know what I write here.
God, I probably come across as this “poor little me” kind of person just because I have a family who ignores me. There’s a lot of good things to love about my family, especially my son. He’s the main reason, I’ve been fighting to stay balanced as long as I have. And I’m grateful he doesn’t have a mood disorder, he struggles enough with being a recovered drug addict.
So, why does it hurt so much though that no one called me yesterday? Why couldn’t I call them you might wonder? Here’s when I get in trouble with the whole expectations deal. They all knew that a major reason, I didn’t join them this Thanksgiving is because for the last year and I’m not exaggerating here, I’ve gone on and off over sixty different medications under my psychiatrist’s care to find a regiment that doesn’t leave me overly doped-up, manic, depressed or sleepless which keeps me just in a survival mode. Not a good place to be when it comes to spending time with my family when I’m feeling horrible. My family knew that for the last two weeks, I’ve been working with another medication change and it takes incredible effort to even get out of bed some days. So, I just expected (which I know never gets me anywhere) that they would reach out to me and ask me how I am in a phone call.
I’m currently taking six different medications, which still has horrible side-effects, but the alternative of not taking any medications, is not something I would even consider. I guess it’s become second-nature to them that I’m on/off medications as fast as the speed of light and I’m doing fine.
This post doesn’t really have any purpose other than to just share with you, how sad and disappointed I feel. I’m just not in that place to post something uplifting, inspiring, or to take on one of the “30 Posts of Truth.” I had four hours of sleep last night, so this post is probably all over the place. Again, I want to thank all of you who’ve blessed me with your warmth, understanding, acceptance and support. I can’t begin to tell you how much it means to me.
© 2010, Wendy S.. All rights reserved.
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I’m not trying to minimalize your pain at all – I know how hard this is and how hurtful. However, I have realized something recently and it is this – the world is not the same place as it used to be. We used to care about each other and check on each other when things were not going right. Now everyone is looking out for themselves. No one even thinks enough about another person to call and see how he/she is. Everyone thinks that they have too many problems of their own to bother with the problems of others. And then there’s the perpetual spreadsheet in the head of these people – the list of checks and balances that keeps careful track of who’s done what for whom how many times and whose turn is it? It’s screwed up Wendy. I don’t really have the answer, but what I have been doing now after a life time of hurt abandonment and rejection is minimize my time around those who make me feel bad and spend lots of time with those who make me feel good. I’m glad you got through the holiday. The whole damn season will be over soon. hang in there.
-Aine
Aine recently posted..Incantations
Aine, you are so right, its like everyone out there has a list of checks and balances like you say, except it seems like you have to do something phenomenal for them, for it to be worth their so important time, to do anything even the smallest thing for you. Its like the check and balance system is all out of wack, like people feel like they should get more and give less. I feel you about the holidays thing. Thank Goddess my core family is tight and loving, we get together and that’s what matters. Mr H (my partner) his family has no ‘togetherness’ instead they all do separate things for the holidays, and Mr H often misses family at the holidays. We are hopeful for change this year but ready to expect the usual.
At least there are some of us out there who are willing to give with no checks and balances in our heads, we are ready to be friends and our friends return our love in kind, not to keep balance but just because we care.
Blessings
Faerie Sage recently posted..Truth 25
I don’t think you were trying to minimize my pain at all, Aine, I agree with everything you said and you wrote so beautifully with wise compassion. How you summed up this emotional dis-connection our society is suffering from is so well-put. I have put a lot of distance as well between those who love and validate me vs. those who keep rejecting and hurting me. And Angels always appear when you least expect them. I can’t believe how much love and support I’ve received from you and other people who seem to like my blog. Thank you, Aine.
Wendy, I love you and I hope that you are doing well, I am sending you an emotional phone call… how are you hon? How’s things going? Do you feel like this batch of meds are better than before? it you need anything just let me know. I am here whenever you need me. Call and say hello I will answer with two ears, no waiting. Blessings to my wonderful Cat Goddess, you are such a blessing in my life and I hope that you get through these holidays ok.
I am sending you love and warmth, joy and happieness.
Email me anytime
Blessings & Love
Faerie Sage recently posted..Truth 25
Brrrrinnngg-Hello? Oh, hi Faerie-Sage, its so good to hear from you? Yeah, I’m feeling a lot better and I wish I could just hug you and tell you how much you mean to me, even though we know each other through the virtual world. Real magic is when people can connect on a heart level through this vast world called a blogosphere. And I would love to talk to you in the “real dimension.” I’m going to be just fine, no better than fine, because I have friends like you who never give up on me and for some crazy reason seem to kind o like my blog ; ) thanks for the phone call, Faerie-Sage, you called at a perfect time.
Oh darlin.
Meds in any form can make one feel yuck, but to have soo many changes in your meds must wack your body out. ((hugs)) Hope they can get the right meds for you.
My 10 cents worth is you pick up that phone or text YOUR son and check HE had a good Thanksgiving. Males kinds never really think of doing that. I bet he would be thrilled to hear from his mum.
Thinking of you.
Love Leanne
Leanne NZ recently posted..Friday 26th November
Hi Leanne,
I think the meds. are slowly getting more balanced. When Alex gets home from Thanksgiving, I will call him. I know he’s crazy busy with school and so feels like he’s going nuts but I know we’ll talk soon. Thank you for your continued love : )
I’m not entirely sure what to say. When it’s outside of one’s experience, what DOES one say?
I don’t have any advice or ideas, no compromise. All I can offer is my compassion. A big, enveloping cyber hug just for you, Wendy! Blessings and warmest wishes, dear one. Know that you are appreciated–you have a lot to share! Thank you for reaching out…no one should suffer in silence.
Leathra recently posted..Happy Turkey Day all!
Leathra, thank you! I think so many people try to say things to make someone feel better when they haven’t experienced what the other person is and even though it comes from a good place doesn’t really support the other person. Offering your compassion and friendship is like drinking a warm cup of delicious tea when I’m cold and shivering. You’ve warmed up my heart : )
BIG BIG Hugs to you!!!! I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Do know that there are many of us here who care for you and will always stand by you with support and friendship. You are a wonderful and giving person. Take comfort in that knowledge. Think of things that are good in your life and that make you smile. Curl up with your sweet furry babies. Give them a big kiss. They cannot say in words but they love you, too. xoxo Theresa
Theresa recently posted..Its a Sale!
Theresa, I am really, really blessed to have “met” TRUE friends from the blog world like you. I told you, you’re one of my faery godmother’s and I always feel your heart glow : ) And yes, my furbabies have comforted and loved me and give so much love, that I can’t stay sad for long when I’m with them : ) Hugs back to you.
Sad to hear you’re having heartache right now — may things look up soon for you, Wendy.
Debra She Who Seeks recently posted..The Lion Tamer
Hi Debra,
My heartache doesn’t hurt as much today. I can feel your Canadian hugs along with “her royal higness’” purrs…Thank you : )
Dear Wendy…
I think you’re swell… and if i knew your number. I would have pohned you to wish you a happy thanksgiving.
<3
Jaimie- Lyn Oldfield recently posted.. Ok New Yule Template
PHONED you.. not pohned you. that seems rude.
Feel better soon. I was thinking of you on thanksgiving… Promise.
Jaimie- Lyn Oldfield recently posted.. Ok New Yule Template
Jamie-Lyn, my vamp. sister, your new blog template makes me smile and I laughed so hard when I saw the tin man picture. Hmmm, I think I can relate to all the mess and gore right now. I can’t leave a comment on your blog though, wassup with that? I would love to have a phone-time chat with you : )
I just wanted to give you a hugs and sparkles and say hi too. – WG
WitchyG recently posted..Website Friday – WitchesBrewHaHa
Hi Witchy G. I always see purple sparkles when you and Rufus fly here on my blog : ) Hugs back to both of you.
I am so sorry that you’re hurting and that the phone call never came. It’s amazing to me how families can sometimes forget those of us that aren’t there, or are unable to empathize on any level with someone who is hurting. My family is similar in this regard; no phone calls yesterday though I’m far from home for the first time and certainly no call from my younger sister who I’ve been waiting to hear from for a week.
I hope things look up for you soon, that your medications balance out, and that the pain ebbs and fades away. *hug*
D.Suplicki recently posted..There are treasures in need of homes
Hi Danni : ) I guess we all grow up with expectations of how a loving family is and then when we’re constantly disappointed we adopt a spiritual family who really does love us. I’m sorry that your family wasn’t there to send you love esp. when you’re so far from home. I hope your eye-health is healing and you’re resting between all your Yule business in your whimsical cottage. Sending you hugs back : )
Oh Wendy, I’m so sorry- your post had me in tears because I have the same struggle with my family. I can give you many reasons why your family didn’t call- everyone got busy with cooking, eating, football, generally being caught up in the moment blah, blah. But they should have phoned you. I would have phoned you all the way from South Africa! (even though I know that there is this unspoken blog etiuqette of no personal contact). The worst thing about this time of year is how lonely it can make a person feel and I hate it.
I’ve had my sister accuse me of faking my breakdown and my depression. And when I told my father I was suicidal he said he couldn’t help me and then ignored me. Only my Mom has been there for me. I’ve been the black sheep of my family for years and it’s only recently that they seem to think I’m kinda “normal” and have stopped avoiding me. They don’t know I’m just putting on a ” happy” mask for my mother’s sake.
I would confront your family about why they didn’t take time to phone. But I understand that you probably don’t want the conflict. The best thing you can do is to seek out like- minded people. I know that online relationships don’t have the personal contact that is important but it’s something. And hug your kitties
I hope your meds start behaving themselves soon. They are a bitch and have sent me to hell and back several times!
Much love from this side x
Oh Stephi, I am so glad we met. You know my family hasn’t called me to this day and I’ve just let it go. And what’s this with the blog etiquette of no phone contact, huh?? I tend to break a lot of rules but I’ve never heard of that one. I mean I would love to talk to people like you on the phone as well as meeting you. Your family could be my family with their selfishness and ignorance. I’m so sorry that you’ve had such crap thrown at you and not feeling valued with your family. It’s not that I don’t want the conflict, I just know if I did confront them, they would really be clueless and put it back on me, which is a major reason that I have less and less contact with them. And how is exhausting is it not to be our real selves whether we’re happy, sad, feeling horrible etc…to those who we’re related to? I’ve done the whole happy face thing with my family too and that’s a major reason I don’t celebrate the holidays with them and get together as much. As much as I love my family, I can honestly say, that if we weren’t related I probably wouldn’t even know them as we’re so different and I would probably like all of them as people, but wouldn’t have a deep relationship with any of them, even my son which is really painful. I think I want to break the rule of “no phone-contact” I don’t like that rule, esp. when we meet a kindred spirit as I think you are. And my kitties send purrs back to you. : )
It’s rough any time of year when Family forgets about another. But it is especially harsh at holiday time.
{{HUGS}}
I hope the med situation stabilizes for you. And here’s to a brighter, happier tomorrow.
Jeanne Gripp recently posted..Recommendation needed! Book on Yule
Hi Jeanne, today is definitely a brighter day than it was two days ago. And my meds. I think are slowly starting to get a little more balanced. Each day is a new day, but I feel very blessed about my life in general. Thanks for the hugs and hug back to you.
I am sending you big hugs and support! Love you Wendy!
Awww, Susan, thank you : ) It’s so nice to get virtual hugs from people I know who are really sincere and supportive. Right back at ya!
What can I say? I’ve never really ‘done’ family, I’ve never been that big on traditional festivals, and I’m not bi-polar, so what would I know?
So, no advice, just a smile. And I did think ‘I wonder what Wendy’s posted today’ and came here, so you were obviously in my thoughts.
I do understand loneliness, though. It’s horrible, and I hope it passes soon.
Jeff, I am SO done with “family” ; ) I wish I was there sitting in your house with you as we watched “Twin Peaks” and made a toast to the Bronte Sisters. And your smiles are magickal, just what I needed, thank you.
Big hugs here for you, Wendy!! Holidays can be so difficult, especially when family members don’t show their love for us. I think it is true that people are more wrapped up in themselves than ever. It’s a terrible thing and all we can do, those of us who get it, is “be the change we wish to see” by doing what we’d like others to do for us. It may sound Pollyanna-ish but really, why not? Maybe one day, someone will take notice. I think everyone here agrees that it’s best to spend as much time as you can with people who feed your soul, who make you smile and value your incredible worth. Bi-polar or not, meds or not, you are a beautiful person, capable of feeling so much and expressing it sweetly. I hope you can find a way to not let your family bring you down so low and I hope their eyes are opened to what is happening.
Hugs,
Pamela
Sweet Pamela, I have let go of my family really seeing me and valuing me. And really now today, I’m not hurting as much. I figure they’re the one’s missing out. I do have a lot of love to give and am very loyal. And “Polly-Anna” isn’t such a bad friend to know ; ) Thank you for your incredible love and generosity of heart and soul. Sending you back lots of blessing and hugs.
Awww…Wendy. Love you, girlfriend. I so get where you’re coming from. I’ll email you soon. This stupid cold and non-stop coughing are killing me. I can’t even think straight but no point in going to bed cause I’ll just lay there and cough and keep Tim awake.
Stacy Lynn recently posted..Cough- Cough- COUGH!!
Oh, Stacy, you’ve been sick for quite a few days now, I’m sorry you’re still not feeling well. I know you know exactly what it’s like to have a family which makes life worse and not better. You’ve been such a strong and loyal friend even though we haven’t known each other that long, I feel more connected to you than I do with, well, almost all of my family. Get lots of rest, Stacy and sending you hugs.
My dear witch sister I wish I could give you a huge hug. I know what it feels like to be ignored by family (I have been cut off from my family for 7 years and it still hurt) and I’m so sorry you’ve gone through that as well as trying to get the meds balanced. I hope the pain has eased a bit since Thursday and you’ve touched base with Alex. Much love, Lyn x
Lyn recently posted..Is craft part of the Craft
Wendy, I wanted to thank you for your comments on my posts. I love and am thankful for all of my followers even the ones who do not comment, though it is always wonderful to have comments. Your words have a way of bring me up and making me feel very very good. Thank you for being around and all the comments and joy you bring to mine and other peoples lives.
Blessings
Faerie Sage recently posted..Truth 28
I resently found your blog and I just want to send you sparkles and love and tons of hugs! I believe I suffer from some kind of mood disorder as my anti depressants are not work nor are my anti anxiety meds and when I spoke to my doctor he said well double your dose see what that does. Anyway not to take away from you, my family knows I suffer from depression and anxiety and luckily that keeps me away from them and I know that sounds horrible because they are all wonderful people but feeling the way I feel, it is hard enough to get myself ready each day, worry about my oldest son who I fear has more problems than A.D.H.D. and severe learning disabilities however he would rather not hear about it seeing me go through life daily with my stuff, raise my youngest who is 18 and a wonderful man who thankfully is maybe just a little OCD, feed, water and change the litter for Gizmo, Torrie and Gypsy *my baby girls*
lol sorry went off on a tangent there, anyway sending you lots of love, I would have expected if they were all together for someone to call me if I were you. However, having been in that spot… they rarely remember if not ever, to simply call
lots of holiday breathing exersices being sent your way to deal with the rest of the holidays.
>.<
Autumn recently posted..Awe Practical Magic!
Hi Autumn,
It’s so nice to meet you and you’re not taking away at all with talking about your struggles and med. issues, I appreciate you sharing yourself like this. I’d be really, really wary of a Dr. who told me to double up on anything that effects my whole body and mind. I actually agree with you about somehow it’s better for those of us who struggle with mood disorders to be less attached to our family if they’re not supportive and understanding. Being a mother with son’s who also have their own struggles, is a lot to take on but I bet you’re an incredibly loving and supportive mother. They’re blessed to have a mother like you. And thank the goddess for our fur-babies, right? I can’t wait to get to know you better. Thank you for your open and beautiful comment. : )
Wendy, you have been on my mind all weekend, since I first read this post. I am sorry that you had to celebrate your holiday in such a way. Yet when I came back this morning I could see by the multitude of comments that you were not alone. There are many (including me) who think of you often and care deeply for you.
Sometimes the ones who should be there are not the ones who eventually are. Blessings to you and your fur babies. I hope the coming weeks are much brighter.
Janie recently posted..A wish
Thank you Janie for your kindness and love. It’s amazing to me, the “family” I’ve met from being a blogger and I feel so blessed to know people like you and others who have seemed to enter my life. And I feel that I’m getting better at letting go of what doesn’t serve a higher purpose so that the Goddess can send in new energy and love to enter my life : )
Hi Wendy. I found your blog by accident but sometimes these “accidents” happen for a reason. I’m very sorry that you had a crappy holiday, but if it makes you feel any better, I was with my family and had a crappy time too. I am not up on blog rules either but I wanted to share a website with you and some of the other commenters before me. It’s called http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com . I hope it’s okay to post this on here. Now let me tell you a little about it. It was started by a woman named Christine. She got the idea because of a story that she had told her friend about how to deal with daily life with lupus, that story is now called The Spoon Theory. She came up with it on the fly many years ago but 7 years ago she started the website and has helped millions of people, myself being one of them. I don’t have lupus but some other physical conditions that has caused me to become disabled at the ripe old age of 34. Of course, all of this junk has caused (or maybe just worsened) depression and anxiety. And I have found much help and relief from Christine’s website. There are different forums for just about every condition possible, including mood disorders. If you haven’t heard of the website, I highly recommend it. I hope that it can help you even if just helping you to connect with others with your condition. I am going to find a way to follow your blog because even though you thought this post might be all over the place, I thought it was beautifully written and expressed how you were feeling quite well. Sending you stranger cyber hugs!!
Hi Angie, welcome to my blog. I absolutely believe in synchronicity so it’s a “happy” accident you found my blog. I actually know now, I probably would have a worse holiday if I was with my family than the way I spend it with my two kitties. Do you have a big family? Thank you SO much for the great link to that website. I went there this morning and nodded my head in agreement with everything she wrote. A friend of mine who is also a blogger named Aisha has lupus and I’m going to send her this link. I’m so sorry that you have health and emotional struggles. I’m going to research more in the forums and then post about this website and your referral. I think being able to reach SO many on the internet is a real gift. I mean how often would we be able to meet people like Christine and then talk about similar issues. And your comment is not all over the place at all. You can subscribe to my blog in the subscription box and I really appreciate you taking the time to comment and sharing a part of who you are with me. I look forward in getting to know you better. Hugs and healing blessings back to you : )