PrintI awoke
this morning
in the gold light
turning this way
and that
thinking for
a moment
it was one
day
like any other.
But
the veil had gone
from my
darkened heart
and I thought
it must have been the quiet
candlelight
that filled my room,
it must have been
the first easy rhythm
with which I breathed
myself to sleep,
it must have been
the prayer I said
speaking to the otherness
of the night.
And
I thought
this is the good day
you could meet your love,
this is the black day
someone close
to you could die.
This is the day
you realize
how easily the thread
is broken
between this world
and the next
and I found myself
sitting up
in the quiet pathway
of light,
the tawny
close grained cedar
burning round
me like a fire
and all the angels of this housely
heaven ascending
through the first
roof of light
the sun has made.
This is the bright home
in which I live,
this is where
I ask
my friends
to come,
this is where I want
to love all the things
it has taken me so long
to learn to love.
This is the temple
of my adult aloneness
and I belong
to that aloneness
as I belong to my life.
There is no house
like the house of belonging.
(The House of Belonging ~David Whyte~)
I’ve been described as “moody, intense, complex, sensitive and complicated.” And those are just the good qualities I have. 
If you haven’t guessed by now, this is not going to be one of my “life-is-so-wonderful and magickal!” type of posts. I’m just not in that place. And yet, I still condemn myself for not being more positive and less self-pitying. I know externally I have nothing to complain about, so why can’t I appreciate all that I have? Well, for one thing I have a mood-disorder (Bipolar II) that I’ve blogged about on eWitch which tends to paint my life black sometimes. And my old friend “depression” who is the major mood I tend to be most familiar with said to me yesterday, “Hey, Wendy…Just because you started your new blog and you seem to be getting good feedback, doesn’t mean that I’ll leave you alone or let you off that easy!”
Yesterday, the Practical Magic Blog Party, “should” have been a fun event. I love the movie and book passionately and here was a chance to blog hop and read all the posts I was so looking forward to. Yep, expectations get me every time! Everyone experiences depression differently, but there seems to be a common ground when one has a clinical depression that is very different from “just being depressed.” A continual feeling of loneliness, shame, and a belief that one is unlovable and worthless. I know everyone experiences this at one time or another, but it’s really different when they’re constant companions and when an event like a party happens (in the blogosphere or otherwise) those feelings can get more intense and demanding.
I’m an introvert which has it’s pro’s and cons. We live in an extroverted society where it’s frowned upon if one isn’t going out there making friends, conquering the world, and “being the best one can be.” I’ve never been good at small talk, socializing on a larger scale and feeling like I have something to offer that is worthwhile. The qualities that I SOMETIMES value as an introvert are I’m usually thoughtful, insightful, and have depth and compassion. However, when it comes to true intimacy with others I flunk out a lot. It’s not that I don’t want to connect with others, I DO! Which is a huge reason I blog, because it’s so difficult for me in the external world to maintain a long-lasting, healthy relationship, romantic or otherwise. Heck, I even struggle with online friends who refuse to give up on me even though I feel like I have nothing to offer because I’m so neurotic.
My friends and some of my family members try to assure me differently and rationally that I am loveable and worth knowing and sometimes part of me recognizes that maybe…just maybe, that might be true. But when I’m constantly comparing myself to others like I did yesterday and how I “should” be, emotionally I suffer. I visited all these incredible blogs and when I read some of the posts, I was sick with envy and a feeling of shame for even having those feelings. I know that everyone has incredible pain in their lives and yet this flow and glow seemed to filter everything that didn’t fit into the world of Practical Magic.
It was like the Glinda the Good came and gave them the ruby slippers and I received the Wicked Witch’s broomstick as a consolation prize. I’m not asking for pity or well-meaning attempts to try and cheer me up. I promised myself though, that on my blogs I would remain true to myself and authentic, no matter how painful and ugly it could get. Not much magic there, is it? I also have a small quiet inner voice that tells me, that “this too shall pass,” meaning that I do have moments when I can feel the sun warm me up and that my heart remains willing and open to others. I continue to be reminded that magic, practical or otherwise isn’t always about love and light. Is it possible to find the beauty in self-doubt and loneliness? I don’t know..Do you?
(Dedicated to “Age”)
© 2010, Wendy S.. All rights reserved.
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May 4, 2012: Turn and Face the Strange Changes
April 18, 2012: The Uncertainty of Life
yea… we all have our down times… Although I know exactly what you speak of I tend to be an overly optimistic person… sometimes to a point of gagging…. yet in my bouts with depression it is that demeanor that has kept me afloat…. that and learning to walk alone despite my desire not to…. know what I mean ?
Hope things brighten up soon..
Hey, I have to say that I know how you feel and it is nice to see that there is someone else out there who feels the same way. Well I know rationally that other people get depressed and have rough times, but to hear your own feelings echoed in the words of another, that really truly lets you know that someone else out-there is feeling what you feel. I thank you for sharing your feelings in a blog like this, it warms my heart to know that you feel as I do, that someone else outthere understands. While you are the air, I am the water we are everchanging and our moods can be deep and dark or bright and fluttery. I will remember your words ‘this too shall pass’ and know someone else is out there too. Thankyou
You just wrote, exactly how I feel. In fact I had a similar conversation with my husband today. My depression goes with my fibromyalgia. I have good streaks and black streaks. Now is a black streak. Thank you for sharing this.
Most witches I know (and some “normal” people) have these feelings to some extent. For some, it stops at “being down”, while others feel sucked into the darkness until they give up. (I almost did.)
The best remedies I have found – and please don’t hit me, I know it sounds naive – are drinking water, baking bread and physical exercise. These “activities” are important to keep me balanced and away from the dark place, and I find it’s really not that bad a life.
I know exactly how you feel and technology glitches doesn’t make it any easier. I really appreciate your honesty with how you feel – it’s much easier to sugar coat emotions but that’s not truth. I think self doubt and lonliness make us stronger in the long run as we find out who we really are.
Hugs
Lyn x
Mother Moon, I know exactly what you mean! Sometimes, it’s just a matter of breathing and taking a minute at a time. And if you ever feel like sharing some of your optimisim, please sprinkle some my way
Faerie Sage, I have to say thank you for reminding me why I really love to blog. I can meet kindred spirits that I might not otherwise meet in the external world. I’ll remember you and your comment when I start getting really low. And I’ll hear your echoing back to me, “this too shall pass”.
MoonbeamDancer, I am so sorry about your Fibro. My best-friend suffered with it for years and finally was able to have it lessen through tons of alternative therapies, counseling, meds. etc…Health is so important and to be in constant pain is an incredible trial! We both have what is known as an “Invisible illness” that others may not believe is authentic, but we have to find support and affirmation from those who understand. Thank you for commenting and know that I’m here…
Diandra, I would never hit you! lol…And I’m a firm believer in alternative remedies/rituals etc…I do drink lots of water and know when I don’t my whole system starts becoming really ragged which leads to more depression. I’ve never tried making my own bread. I love, love, love fresh home made bread, so maybe I’ll try that one. Any favorite recipes? Please let me know as I’m serious about getting some kneading going on
Lyn, thank you as always for being so compassionate and understanding. I think that our dark times is a hard way to learn about who we really are and what substance we’re made of, but like I told a friend who also has depression, if we can find meaning, (not gratitude, because I’m not grateful for depression at all) somehow the light manages to find it’s way through.
Depression is an awful thing, and to have it with us one a constant (or almost constant) companion is not much fun at all to endure. The fact that it isolates us makes things even worse, and when you add to that the social stigma that still makes it difficult to really be as upfront about a mental illness as a physical one, it is all a pretty nasty package.
I have wished many times that I simply had a broken leg or something, instead of anxiety and depression. Broken legs heal, you have a cast people can sign, everyone gathers around and is sympathetic. When it comes to mental illness, things are often the opposite. They don’t necessarily get better, there is no physical, easily fixable problem, and people tend to run for the hills when they discover someone has a mental illness, or at the very least withdraw somewhat.
But we can endure. And like the late, great, Harvey Pekar said, every day is a brand new deal. Keep on working, and something is bound to turn up.
D.R. I know that people who have mental disorders have often been known as having the “invisible illness.” Meaning, if one had a broken leg etc…you’re absolutely right that there would be more empathy and concern. And I’ve known many people to have been fired from their jobs (which is illegal) when someone found out they had depression, bipolar disorder, etc…You brought up a good point about getting to “heal” from depression. I believe there’s a difference between being “cured’ and being “healed.” To me being healed is when you do get that cast off your leg and you can strengthen the limb. Healing, is more of a long-term if not infinite process that never goes away, but there has been care and attention given to the illnes. It sucks that being depressed is so constant and pre-dominant and exhausting! And yes, we do endure and sometimes have strengths that no one else can really witness, unless it’s maybe another person who knows where we’re coming from. Thank you for you really thoughtful comment.