Print(Warning: Offensive language, bitchiness, disturbing graphics and general ranting ahead. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!)
I woke up this morning and I knew it was going to be one of “those” days…I’m feeling bitchy, unsatisfied with myself and life, being a hater, and most of all suffering from….PENIS ENVY! No, I don’t wish I had a Penis necessarily, what I do wish is that every man would experience PMS and see what we get to go through (or used to go through) OR if I did have one of those dangly appendages, not have to have my hormones hijack me every month like a motherfcker. See, I told you I wasn’t going to be nice today.
Not even chocolate <gasp!> is bringing me pleasure, my cats are just little furry people to me right now demanding I feed them, pet them, do everything for them and being a nuisance instead of how I usually feel about them as I dote, love and cater to them.
And my 23 year old son who has worked his ass off in college while holding down three jobs at the same time is heading off to a vacation he has always dreamed of and saved up for. Where is he going you may ask? He’s going to Alaska with two male friends he’s had since childhood to go salmon fishing.
So, while I am incredibly proud of him and am happy for him, despite how the rest will sound, there is that old penis envy rising again (pun intended) where he doesn’t have to worry about getting his period while he goes of in the middle of Alaskan waters while his head is killing him, and he feels bloated like an arctic whale and anyone who speaks to him will get a battle ax through their head. Sometimes it sucks watching all your dreams slip away, even if new ones do replace them…at least that’s where I am today, “letting the days go by/letting the water hold me down” (“Once in a Lifetime” by The Talking Heads.)
Do I wish I was either going with him or off to Alaska myself to fish? Hells to the no, but I do wish I had his energy, drive, the-world-is-my-oyster view of life. He said to me the other month, not in a malicious way, “mom, when you were my age you were raising me as a single mom and how much you were struggling, which is I don’t want to get married until I’m at least thirty.” Ummmm, yeah great way to make me feel ever so blessed I had you, son…(I do feel blessed to have had him, most of the time, unless I’m having major PMS like today.)
Sheesh, no ‘thank you for being my wonderful mom and sacrificing not only your whole life to me but giving up how your boobs used to look so high and perky before you nurtured me from your bountiful breasts.’ 
I heard that the actress Jennifer Aniston once said about her ex. Brad Pitt, “He’s missing a sensitivity chip” Yeah, that’s my son too. I love him dearly, but he’s missing that old X factor too.
Oh shut up already, Mr. Sensitivity..You try smiling all night and looking beautiful when all you want to do is kill everyone!
So, sometimes when I can’t get into a book I’m reading (which of course only happens when I have PMS) and nothing else is floating my boat, I’ll let a song come into my head on it’s own and make sense of everything. I can’t force a song I may like to soothe me, transport me like Calgon or anything that’s consciously manipulated. The song has to tease me and allure me to listen to it over and over and over again or watch the video on Youtube.
Now, the song that came to me today, I haven’t heard in years! Again, I wasn’t consciously thinking of the band or flipping through Youtube hoping the PMS song fairy would grant me a reprieve, it just kind of snuck up on me.
And when I did hear it, BINGO! I felt automatic relief that I wasn’t going crazy today and even was inspired to write this blog post although I’m sure some of you are either cringing for my crassness, vowing to never read my blog again or perhaps I can tug a snicker of laughter out of you in empathy or a perverse delight that yes, we women do get “Penis Envy” but not the way old Siggy Freud postulated.
I know, I know you’re dying to hear what song has enlightened me..It’s not one of those angry female singers believe it or not, but it sums up perfectly what I’m thinking and feeling. I’ve always loved this song and it hit a deep chord for me when I first heard it as well as it does now. If you haven’t guessed what the song is by now, a few lyrics that stand out for me are:
“Well, how did I get here? My God, what have I done?”
Am I really letting the days go by? Or do I just suffer from Penis Envy? You tell me…
Song: “Once in a Lifetime” by The Talking Heads
(Image Credits:
“PMS motivational” by ~Rusty-Shackles
“It’s not the PMS” by Pleasekillmegod
other graphics found on the internet)
© 2011, Wendy S.. All rights reserved.
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April 18, 2012: The Uncertainty of Life
Snark on, woman! We all have these days and until the men have them, too, they can kiss my lily white Irish ass!
Stacy, LOL! I love your lily white Irish ass, one of the more endearing things about you. Do you know Dark Mother Goddess’ blog? Another snark queen like you and I ; )
This blog I can totally understand….yes….totally. Of course I had to go to YouTube and listen to “Burning down the house” after listening to your video.
Men suck….so glad I got rid of mine
Oh another good T. Heads song that is perfectly appropriate for, well, really any time. And some men while they’ll never be a perfect as we goddess’ may actually deserve our attention ; )
A psychiatrist was observing a little boy and girl playing. Being curious kids, they pulled down their pants and started comparing. The little girl pointed to the little boy’s penis and said, “Oh! You’re so LUCKY!” “Ah,” thought the psychiatrist, “Penis envy. Of course!” Going up to the little girl, he said “Why do you say that this little boy is so lucky?” The little girl said, “Cuz that ugly thing could be growin’ out of his FOREHEAD!”
An oldie, but a goodie.
Oh that’s a good one, Debra, I’ve never head that one before, tee-hee! Maybe this is why I have female cats too, even male cats (which I’ve had before and loved them) have a certain obnoxiousness to them ; )
You go girl! Rant on! This too, shall pass.. and chocolate shall thrill you once more.. and men won’t be so… oh who am I kidding? they are always going to suck in some way or another
Hi Kallan! Yes, chocolate is now my b.f.f. because I started my period (I hate that word, I usually call it my “moon time” which some N. American tribes call a woman’s bleeding) and men as much as we may love them, will never get it ; )
I oh so don’t miss the PMS of being younger, but I do understand….now I’m just a snarky old woman. Oma Linda
Snarkiness! right on, I bet you love Dark Mother Goddess’ blog like I do. You and she are two of my fave. snarky queens and I think that being a crone (which is a high merit) have the absolute pleasure of not being accused of having “that time of the month” and so get to be the queen bees and snapping at everyone you want when you want. All hail the queen ; )
Oh, I can SO relate to this post. Men just don’t understand sometimes. My hubby who I dearly love sometimes asks me – when I’m in a cranky mood – “are you on your thing?” ARGH!!!!!!!!!! Sometimes you just need to be left alone with chocolate, fries, whatever. LOL Stay strong, dear friend, stay strong!
I love men most of the time, but I hate, hate, hate it when they presume that just because we’re being honest it’s “that time of the month.” Actually, as much as I dis my son, he IS extremely sensitive and fine with his female friends who have their period and he’s actually the one who will go into a store for them to buy them tampons because THEY’RE too embarrassed. He says it’s because he had a single mom who raised him so I do give him kudos for that.
I have to say, your PMS writing hits me in just the right spot. As you know from reading my bitchy, angry hawt mess blog, I write like this all the time so you has given me many warm and fuzzies this morning.
I too have PMS right now (my period is literally due any second. ANY-MOTHERFUCKING-SECOND) and I made myself stay home last night after a long day out in public almost failing to physical restrain myself from murder.
I know you suffer from depression but I wasn’t sure if you are bipolar (forgive me if you’ve mentioned it. I am a regular reader but I’m pretty sure since I’ve hit my mid-thirties I lose 5-1000000 brain cells a day). Right now I’m in a beautiful little cycle called dysphoria….mix that with PMS and you’ve got a shit cocktail …. also hide the knives.
Hopefully you’re feeling better today….if not, I completely understand if you want to tie a man’s penis like a bowtie
Dark Mother,
I swear I was channeling you…I’ve always had this extremely bitchy sarcastic side of me, that I tried to suppress because as you know in our society to not be “polite” or say what we’re really thinking is frowned down upon. But after reading and loving your blog, I thought “to hell with it” I’m gonna risk offending everyone because you’re a hero of mine and I wanna be you when I grow up ; ) I have B.P. and so dysphoria, yuck…..And I don’t know if we lose brain cells because of age or if because we’re mothers and our little darlings sapped all of our cells from the minute they were conceived. Kind of like little aliens. So thank YOU for setting such a fine upstanding example of how to be a bitch and be o.k. with it : )
Loved this post Wendy. Just love it.
Men simply could not handle PMS, Cramps, childbirth or Menopause. If they had to go through this stuff valium would be sold over the counter.
Going through perimenopause sucks. Hot flashes, night sweats, really moody. Husband doesn’t get it.
Daughter always asks why do women get stuck with the crap?
Hope you are having a better day!