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One of the most painful relationships I have in my life, is with my family origin…to be exact, my father, my step-mother and most of all with my son. You see they’re all extremely high over-achievers and successful in everything they undertake and I’m not..I’m a huge disappointment to them. I actually have to include I was a disappointment to my mother when she was alive. I wish it was different and I could control how they see me. but I can’t and that’s actually o.k. with me.
I know they love me, but I know for a fact, that I will never live up to their expectations. I’m not telling you this to gain pity or to elicit any responses similar to that, I just want to share who I am with all of you as well as clarifying for myself, the reasons I act like I do sometimes.
Really acknowledging our emotional wounds and then moving forward despite them, has always been part of my emotional DNA. Want to read a GREAT story, well, writing about feeling like you were born in the wrong family? Check out this story by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes, called “The Mistaken Zygote.” I first saw it in one of my favorite books of all times, “Women who Run with the Wolves“.
I’m sometimes, well, most of the times a huge disappointment to myself even. I’ve always struggled with having Bipolar Disorder, which wasn’t diagnosed until about thirteen years ago and I know without a shadow of a doubt, if I was diagnosed earlier, my life would have been different. I don’t know how exactly I would have been different or what paths I may have taken, but life would have been different.
Part of my spiritual path has also taught me, that life unfolds exactly the way it’s supposed to happen and that we’re exactly where we’re supposed to be, even though we may be experiencing incredible pain and suffering. I’m not a new age follower who only believes in light and love or that everything we experience in life is because it was first a thought which is then manifested. I hate, hate, hate that belief and I could go on and on about why I think that belief is total bull shit, but that would be a post in itself.
But, I DO believe that with a lot of emotional love and support we can gain wisdom and consciousness with our life experiences and then choose how to respond from that. I’ve been extremely blessed with people who do believe in me and have made up for my lack of deep and intimate connections with my family. They’ve stood by me when I wanted to end my life, even though I never, ever would, especially because I know the emotional hell my son would suffer from. Angels, both seen and unseen have always managed to show up at the right time when I’ve felt at my lowest and most worthless.
I know this post is all over the place and that’s just where I am today. It’s like I have this flood of stories, feelings and experiences all knocking at my door wanting to be let out and written down. And I promise that part of myself that needs to be heard, that I will do my best to share those parts of my life that have brought me the greatest misery as well as given me the greatest joys as well.
I read something last night, that I’ve always rationally known, but emotionally hit me like a ton of bricks in a positive and healthy way that somehow feels important to share with you. I’ve been reading one of the most well-written and powerful books I’ve ever read, it’s called, “The Power of Patience: How to Slow the Rush and Enjoy more Happiness, Success and Peace of Mind Every Day” by M.J. Ryan.
And patience is a key theme for me lately (especially when we’re in a Mercury Retrograde phase, arrrggghhh! 
). The author writes so simply and beautifully about patience and how to embrace it and learn from it. This book has brought me so much peace of mind and light into my life. (I just discovered her blog, which you can visit, here. And, no I’m not in any way, being paid to write about her or anything else commercially involved.)
The chapters are actually thoughts and reflections that are short and yet full of depth. So, this was in one of her “chapters.” Ryan herself didn’t write the following, but ties it in with patience and the ability to let go of our own expectations of others and the need to control them…This ties back to my original paragraph I started this post out with, in wanting to change how my family experiences me. I really have no control over them and how they think.
Tim Gallwey who wrote “The Inner Game of Work” said this…
“You can’t control another person’s attitude or receptivity; how well he or she listens; the other person’s motivation or priorities; his or her availability; whether he or she likes you; his or her ability to understand your point; how the other interprets what you have to say; whether the person accepts your point.
BUT, you can control your attitude toward the other person; your attitude toward learning; how receptively you listen; your acknowledgments of the person’s point of view; your respect for the other person’s time; your expression of enthusiasm for his or her idea; the amount of time you spend listening and speaking; your idea of yourself.”
To me that says it all…Other people, like my family may never understand or accept me, but I can empower myself and heal despite their feelings and opinions about me.
One of my dearest friends is really struggling with some really painful issues with one of her sons. So, she has been a large inspiration for this post. And you want to know the best part of all of this? Remember in this post, I wrote about how I was so sad that I wasn’t in communication with my one of my friends because of time and circumstances?
She read that post and just wrote me the most beautiful email yesterday, full of love, understanding and acceptance and telling me that our friendship was just as important to her as it was to me!
Wow, life IS really good and we may not be able to change or control others, but we can with the grace of the Goddess (or God, Spirit, Allah, higher consciousness, fill in your own blank…) be given the gift of love when we least expect it. Thank you my friends for listening and being here for me.
And of course I have to thank Mick Jagger for not only writing the song “You can’t always get what you want” (hence the title of this blog post) but for also getting me through life with his music and attitude and being the original bad boy I lost my heart to. 
© 2011, Wendy S.. All rights reserved.
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I’ve struggled/still struggle with these issues too, Wendy. Expectations have caused me so much pain – a very tough lesson to learn. I learnt a long time ago you can’t control people and you can’t make them love you or treat you better. Still it hurts. Sincerely, thank you for posting about this Wendy. x
Lyn recently posted..Changes
I don’t think that our society helps us with letting go of expectations because we’re so built on this myth of perfection and then we’re set up when either we fail/fall in someone else’s eyes, or they fail in ours. ESPECIALLY mother’s are always getting the huge brunt of anger and blame for most of societies ills, which makes me so angry. See, that’s my expectation that life “should” be different ; ) If I can figure out how to be more Buddhist with letting go of attachments, both on the spiritual and intellectual realm, life will still be difficult but maybe it won’t be as gut wrenching. Especially where sons are concerned…I’ll email you tomorrow and tell you what my lovely one has said that at first cut me up in shreds but now makes me turn away from him instead, sigh…So glad you have little Tabs to love you and your second son as well who will still present challenges, but they may not be as biting as son #1. Hugs to you, Lyn.
I knew there was a reason I liked your blog! My first crush was on Keith Richard!
Ahem. That little item aside, it’s true, it’s true – your family will say they love you, but the unspoken rider is always, “So long as you behave in a way that we want/expect you to.” Some of us are lucky enough to be born into families which gently bend the twig as they want the tree to go. Some of us are unlucky enough, however, to be oaks, and thus not bendable.
That is SO funny, Vivienne that you liked the other half of the “Glimmer Twins.” I have a funny story to share with you about Mick and a certain family member, you’ll appreciate it. What is your fave. Rolling Stone’s song btw?
I love your metaphor of the tree and having our “roots” be more gentle…I’m definitely a Dryad with some Willow thrown in. My family, well, they’re more like Ivy, crawling all over the place and attempting to leech out the life (unconsciously) of certain others. If you were a tree, what would you be?
Wendy, thank you for this honest and thought provoking post. I’m going to visit M.J Ryan’s blog, and I’ve been meaning to read “Women Who Run With The Wolves” for a long time. You’ve inspired me to finally get to reading it. I’m so happy for you that you and your dear friend reconnected!
Hi Leila,
I think you’d really like both the book on “Patience” as it’s very spiritual and simply beautiful like you are and I KNOW you’re gonna love, “Women who run…” I bet it will even inspire your art and if you start making pieces that are wolfy, I”m going to buy them on the spot. You remind me of Dr. Estes. Go look at a photo of hers and tell me that you don’t resonate with her ; ) You are definitely a sister wolf, Leila. And of course a cat sister as well : )
I’ve always been drawn to sycamores, actually: their wood is so cross-grained that it’s impossible to use for lumber! And that was the family’s Big Issue with me: I wanted to do impractical things, refusing to be useful. The parents were, in many ways, children of the Depression, and being useful (therefore employable) was their touchstone.
Now that I’m a grownup (physically, anyway), those “impractical” things are no longer impossible to women, and by golly, I’m doing them!
I love Sycamore trees. They’re so beautiful and make such good friends. Even the name of the them evokes poetry and magick. And good for you to go after those “impractical” acts in life that were once denied to women. I’d love to see you blog about what those once impractical things were, Vivienne…And I’m also impressed that you could play a Rolling Stones song on your guitar with singing. I bet Mick and Keith would love that ; )
Forgot to say, fave-rave Stones song is “No Expectations.” I could, at one point, actually play it on guitar and sing it! The Stones introduced me to blues, which proved to be a stronger love than the one I had for rock and roll.
Patience is so difficult. It’s something I’m still learning.
Wendy -
Thank you for that very thought provoking post. We all tend to harbor a lot of pain and feelings from days gone by and it brings us to so many crossroads in our life – do I chose to turn right, or do I turn left? Is there a correct answer? For me, I have learned that the right answer is to take control of my feelings so that the path I chose is not one based on anger or past situations or people that hurt me deeply. I now realize that they don’t control me and they do not have to define who I am – it may turn out that the path I chose still teaches me lessons and might be a bumpy ride, but it doesn’t matter anymore, because I am in the driver’s seat, not the demons.
I know for me, my road was a long and painful struggle filled with many teenage inadequacies, step-father issues, and insecurities that still raise their ugly head to this day, and I am 50! I have a serious problem with my youngest son that breaks my heart, but, for the most part, I have found my inner peace and calm and am very happy for that. My step-daughter, however, is struggling with the disappointments that life has a tendency to present to us – she has not learned how to channel her inner patience and I believe the book you have recommended will be the perfect “for no reason at all, other than I love you” gift for her.
Thank you for sharing. You write with such beauty, honesty, and strength.
Hi Deb,
First thank you for visiting my blog and leaving such a wonderful and thoughtful comment. You are a perfect example of “responding” to life instead of the instinctual “reacting” when someone has hurt or disappointed you. People who stay slaves to a painful past, I believe never really grow and thrive to their full potential. I mean, hey, cats are our greatest teachers, right? ; ) And the fact that anyone survives being a teen relatively unscathed is a miracle. And you’re a great example for your step daughter as she is trying to change into a butterfly as she struggles in a painful cocoon. And let me know if you like the book. I know I would have loved it as a teen and yet appreciate it even more as an adult. I’m really honored by your compliments on my writing, thank you, that means a lot to me.
Darling girl, I always have to digest what you write in segments. My difficulty is that I need to focus and digest small bits now days.
You are so beautiful and direct with your thoughts. You have a way of capturing something that has caught your attention and bringing it to us to inspect with you. I like that very much.
Thanks for yet another insightful and eye opening post. With much affection, The Olde Bagg,Linda
Linda,
I totally understand about the whole “digestion” of blog material..Sometimes I write on a lighter level and then others it’s a little deeper and murkier ; )
And your compliments, coming from one who I so admire and respect, makes me smile and brings me such happiness. Thank YOU Linda for being a true inspiration.
Having bipolar disorder myself, which was diagnosed when I was about 39 (when my son was diagnosed at ~4!), along with other stuff (including PTSD from childhood abuse) I understand where you’re coming from. So I have two things to say…
this & this & the whole bottom row. SPOONS!!!
An inereting read again :O) It is fascinating thinking about choices made, and what if different choices were made – I often wonder even if we did make other choices, would we still be on the same path? does everything happen for a reason? I wish I knew, I really do.
Hi Abi!
What choices do you ponder about? Your comment reminded me of the movie “Sliding Doors” with Gywneth Paltrow. Have you ever seen it? I think you’d like it.
Very thought-provoking post, Wendy. We will always be here to listen when you need us…no need to worry about that. xoxo Theresa
Thank you Theresa for being such an amazing friend..I know it requires great patience to be my friend sometimes ; )
That was a lovely post Wendy and I commend you for always being so true to yourself. I struggle with high expectations for myself and from my family- I am the only child out of my Dad’s four children that doesn’t have a degree yet and I get reminded of that constantly. Getting sick was also another “weakness” they looked down upon with me. Maybe being so comfortable with yourself is something that comes with age. I doubt this will happen but I will say it anyway, don’t let anyone or anything ever change you:)
Hi Stephi,
I can certainly say I have a lot of discomfort with myself still and not having the support from family that we all require and crave certainly puts a stumbling block upon our road. Esp. having a mood disorder or any illness for that matter. What helped me tremendously when I was younger was finding “mentor” or mother figures that loved me unconditionally and were good role-models about acceptance and compassion for oneself. You’ll find them, I know…You have such an amazingly beautiful spirit and heart, that I hope one day, you’ll realize how special you are and are able to realize all of your dreams. I don’t know that we can ever rid ourselves of the inner critics that haunt us, but we can quiet them enough sometimes, (with a lot of effort) to find our own worth and value.
I missed you on Tea Tuesday and came to see if you were OK. I know exactly what you mean about patience. I’m sort of lacking that right now, too. It’s especially hard when I can’t get the help I need to finish putting things away in my basement studio. Guess that sounds rather impatient, too. Sorry. Didn’t mean to bring a downer today.
Hi Elizabeth,
I know I was an absentee from our “Tea Day.” Some days, I just gulp down my tea and don’t feel like blogging about it ; ) I just read your post with all the changes going on in your house, wow..Talk about patience, lol..Just remember to keep taking deep breaths and saying to yourself “this too shall pass.” ; ) And please I hope you never feel like you’re a downer to me or anyone else. If we can’t vent and be completely honest to our friends, esp. in the blogosphere than we’re really in trouble. Thank you for sharing your true feelings and stopping by esp. when I didn’t share my tea yesterday. And of course big purrrs to Bluebeard.
Mom once read a horoscope that said “To compare yourself to other people is unfair. Compare yourself only to the person you were yesterday.” Sounds like good advice
Say Hi to the kitties for us!!!
You already sound like you have a handle on things
Purrs Tillie and Georgia
Ohhh, Tillie and Georgia, I like that horoscope! We try to remind our mom that we kitties don’t bother with the whole comparison bit, but we’re perfect as we are. But you know how silly humans can be!
Purrs to you,
Miss Bella and Sele
I think I have embellished how my family thought of me, over the years. I am starting to see things differently, and I know believe that my family (especially my dad and siblings) put on a “Mask” as in the song the stranger by Billy Joel. I also think my Father put on a different mask for each of us children. Not to say he didn’t love us, he did, I know that. But how he liked us or interacted with us as we grew older changed. He was an alcoholic, which none of realized until he was much older…as he was not nasty, or bullying or passed out. He just couldn’t go 24 hours without his 1 or 2 beer and a shot. My sister worshiped the ground he walked on, she was Daddy’s girl, she was first born, she resembled him a lot, as she was younger, older I do see some of my mother in her, but she isn’t hearing of it.
When they announced they were moving to Florida, she flew into their house screaming at them, and accused them of abandoning her. This was a grown woman in her 30′s. Anyway, she got over it, or acted like she did, and put daddy back on his pedestal. The truth is, she wore him out were her phone conversations and whining etc. I KNOW this, because she called them everyday, said hello to my mom, and immediately asked to speak top Daddy. I would call once a week, and when I would get my dad on the phone after speaking with my mom for a bit, he would actually tell me, I do not want to stay on the phone too long as I just hung up with your sister, and you know how she is. There were times that I got dad on the phone before her, that was nice. HA!
Anyway, my point is I think sometimes our perception of how people see us, especially our family members can be skewed. I know my sister’s thinking that as an adult Daddy still like her like he did when she was little was simply not the truth. My view of how my sister loved me like a mom, and was a bit glad when she no longer had to be responsible for me is also skewed, as I now know. She always just saw me as an obligation, and once that was over, she basically became indifferent to me.
so, in parting I say perhaps your view of how some people see you is a bit skewed. If not, then you just go on, and not worry about them. Which is what I am starting to do now, I told my sister off, am I hurting a bit for having the ties cut, sure BUT, I also feel a huge release! I think in the long run this will prove to be the right decision on my part. They say you should never cut ties or tell people off when your angry, wait a day or so. NO, I was angry because it was the LAST time was going to swallow her passive-aggressive BS. I also do not regret pointing some truths out to her about our dad, and some truths about her to her daughters, since she chose to attack me in a broadcast email. The girls have cut me off also. and yes it hurts I half raised these girls. Again I think don’t the road this will straighten itself out, if it doesn’t-well that was THEIR decision.
Hubby is a HUGE “Mick and the boys” fan. I have grown to like them more now then when I was younger.
The song is correct.
it is ok to be the black sheep…that makes you unique, adventurous and never boring!!
Love n hugs,
Sue
Sue, getting to know you, has really been a lesson for me in true grit and staying true to oneself. The whole situation with your sister and niece is so painful and complex. And I know that children of alcoholics really have a hard time both loving themselves and being a nurturing and loving parent to their children. Even if they become sober, the wounds can last generations if the addiction is not stopped and made conscious of. You have broken the cycle with being the strong and spiritual mother you are to your children, even if they don’t appreciate it or see it. So, we “black sheep” need to stick together and just say “bahhhhh” to those (like your sister) who can’t love us like we deserve, right? ; )